Archive for February, 2012

I will be the first to tell you that we can get lost as new parents, especially as new moms.

What do we get lost in? Baby toes, baby smiles… baby SCREAMS, feeding baby all freaking day worrying about babies temperature and sleep position, contemplating why our newborn isn’t as calm and docile as we were expecting… you know. The usual inner dialogue of a new parent.

But as moms, I feel we take on this new job with such loving but overwhelming gusto, that we can burn ourselves out within days of having baby, especially if that particular baby is “fussy.” While planning for our births is rather popular, planning for postpartum time is not. Why is that? It is often a very exhausting time after all.

As a baby planner and a maternity stress management coach, my goals are simple. Educate. Reduce stress. Empower.

So I suggest my clients do Mommy Plans or postpartum plans as they are often called. We sit down together before baby is even born figuring out who will help with meals and cleaning, who will get the family dog out for walks, and who will provide the new parents with some relief baby care every so often.

I work to simplify the goings-on of the postpartum environment so that moms and dads can enjoy their new baby without the worry of daily tasks. We think of who they will want to visit them post-birth and how many visitors they will want per week (if any). This helps to reduce worry that too many, or the wrong type of visitors can cause. Is your mother-in-law stressful to you? Maybe we can decide that visiting will start after day two, so you have time to get all your wits about you! Moms forget about themselves. I did.

And not one person reminded me. (Where oh where was I when I needed myself?)

I was soooo in need of a mommy plan! My son was supposed to be a natural birth, but ended up a c-section. Then I was sent home with a nice infection in my uterus. I got sick about 4 days later. Back to the hospital we went. I remained there for five days and returned home with an IV pole. Infusion therapy lasted two weeks.

I found out my son was colicky after about a week of being home from the hospital. I was at a disadvantage from the start and had no plan of self-care. I got lost in Dominic. Why was he crying so much? How could I keep breastfeeding? Was he sick? How was his jaundice and his weight? Worry, worry, worry. That’s all I did.

I didn’t ask for help barely at all. I was alone with my son, a teary, screeching, miserable little guy BY MYSELF most of the day every day. No one mentioned self care. What the hell was that? So I went three days without showering sometimes…. Big deal. Dominic was more important. He needed me.

He did need me. He needed me to be healthy. I was not healthy as I was resentful toward my busy husband who spent hours a day at school and doing homework. I was not at peace with my ability as a mother despite my countless hours of devotion to my little guy every day. I was in fact depressed, angry, lonely and afraid. Stress is contagious and disruptive to the whole family. My stress was feeding into the conundrum that was my colicky baby.

It took me until I started my coursework at the International Maternity Institute before I realized I was STILL lacking in the self-care department when my son was 18 months old.

So I have made many many changes in the last 8 months from switching to whole foods, to doing yoga (which I love more than sex), to getting massages twice a month. These are all components of the Mommy Plan for Postpartum Wellness that I encourage my new moms to strive for.

Even if your child is 5, it is not too late to adopt some form of a Mommy Plan for your wellbeing. Children are amazing… the most important job we’ll ever be asked to do is raise them. But they are exhausting, especially if they are high-need kiddos.

So we need to keep our needs HIGH on our priority list too. If we, as parents, are well….Our children will have a better shot at wellness.

Please contact me if you need help putting together your Mommy Plan!

Amanda is the owner of Ready or Not – A Baby Planning Service. She is in love with her toddler and her husband and derives much of her writing inspiration from her family experiences. You can find her on Facebook, or get in touch with her by email.

Photo courtesy of sixninepixel

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The other day, an acquaintance of Julie’s asked for help with her child’s sleep through a posting on Facebook. Instead of help, she got a link to Dangers of Crying it Out: Damaging children and their relationships for the long term, by Dr. Darcia Narvaez.

When Julie told me, I sighed, gritted my teeth, then swore under my breath (I understand Holly also had choice words for this article).

This wasn’t the first time I had seen such an article. In fact I’ve seen quite a few of them since our journey into parenthood began nearly 4 years ago. It also wasn’t the first time I’d seen them circulated between mothers as advice or “information.” They all have two things in common:

1. they tend to be pseudo science at best and unsubstantiated opinion at worst; and
2. they ooze self-righteous indignation (as though parents who let their children cry are somehow too lazy or unwilling to follow through with more humane alternatives).

Last winter I ranted about a similar article on my blog, and I would like to share an excerpt of that entry, as I believe it is pertinent to parents – especially mothers, of fussy babies:

Last week, Julie opened a message from the owner of her favourite baby store that read: “This article explains how crying-it-out leads to sleep in infants — it’s not because it ‘teaches’ them to sleep!”

The article, entitled, Why I no longer believe babies should cry themselves to sleep is a set of arrogant assumptions that, when read by new mothers, can greatly heighten anxiety and make their decisions more difficult.

I’ll let you read it for yourself, but it essentially argues, with no reference to supporting evidence, that “the implicit message an infant receives from having her cries ignored is that the world — as represented by her caregivers — is indifferent to her feelings.” He also writes that when parents allow their children to cry themselves to sleep, “the short-term goal of the exhausted parents has been achieved, but at the price of harming the child’s long-term emotional vulnerability.”

I won’t pretend for a moment that Julie and I don’t have a particular sensitivity to this topic. We were left with no choice with Chloe but to let her cry herself to sleep. She had had wicked colic, and at 5 months old it was the only way to allow her and us to sleep and to regain our sanity. Before sleep training, the girl looked like a wasted heroin addict (think Trainspotting).

After sleep training, her mood improved dramatically and she started to smile regularly. She was happier because we had managed to get her some sleep. As for co-sleeping? Great if it works for you. It didn’t for us.

One thing I’m confident of with both girls (and as a nail-biting, nervous father, believe me I looked for it), is that they very rarely cried because they felt abandoned or because they needed us in any real sense.

A mother and father get to know their child’s cries the longer they know their child, and although there were a few times we wish we had gone in sooner because we detected distress in a cry, most nights our children only cried in frustration at trying to fall asleep or out of frustration at being told they had to go back to sleep.  When I go in at night to tell Emily she must go back to sleep, she protests in anger. She knows what I’m asking, and she’d rather not. Yet every morning, Emily wakes up smiling and cooing. She is the happiest baby on the block.

Do I have any concrete evidence to back up my sense that my kids don’t feel abandoned when I let them cry? No, of course not. But fact isn’t apparently what counts in these battles. They are battles of “you think, I think.’ And, let’s face it. They are really battles of who thinks who’s a better mother.

As the good doctor has demonstrated, a man of science need not feel compelled to back his assumptions with evidence before sharing them with the world. Other doctors who, for example, argued that schizophrenia is the result of “refrigerator mothers” (or that hysteria could be cured with a vibrator) come to mind.

The danger this type of speculation poses can be very real when it is passed to new and sometimes vulnerable moms as fact. Julie opened the article, not just to stick her tongue in a sore tooth (which is unfortunately an all too human temptation), but to see if there was some new research that might make us take pause when it comes to our approach to sleep. What she got instead was a link to baseless opinion, cloaked in supposed medical expertise.

And the babyshop owner / mother who shared it? What was her motive? I can only guess some sort of self-gratifying vindication of her own mothering approach.

So why is it that some mothers feel the need to share their unsolicited opinions on parenting so openly and aggressively? (I’ve been harangued myself on the street and in parks by mothers too willing to tell me what I’m doing wrong) — I propose, and I invite comment on this, that mothers who tell other mothers how to parent do so out of a deep insecurity about their own parenting abilities — a sort of, see, I’m doing it right because you’re doing it wrong.

I suspect I’m not the first person to suggest this, but I’d like to suggest it, strongly, as a father, to mothers out there because I feel that this behaviour has led to a very unfortunate and detrimental environment for many mothers.

Just to be sure that the landscape hadn’t changed since the last time I’d written on this matter, I went through the torture of reading Dr. Narvaez’ article. But of course, nothing has changed. This article has nothing more to back it up than any of the others I’ve read. And yet these opinion pieces are passed on as gospel, seemingly without the least concern for the effects they might have on new mothers.

Dr. Narvaez purports to be a psychologist and yet she presents none of the scientific research that would normally be used to back up her conclusions. It seems that with this topic, conjecture is enough.

This issue is not just about the parents. Children need sleep to grow and develop. For those who pass these articles on to mothers of young children, you should ask yourselves for whom you are doing it.

Then ask yourselves, what if you couldn’t get your child to sleep properly anywhere – with you or in a crib, no matter how hard you tried?

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

Photo courtesy of pcioca

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I have been doing this parenting thing for just about three years now, and as I go along I realize that a lot of what people said to me before I had kids, often ad nauseum, seems to have turned out to be untrue, an exaggeration, or an understatement.

The number of cliches I heard or suggestions I was offered, while well intentioned, have proven to be misguided. I was sure I could navigate and anticipate so much more than it turns out I was able to, mostly because I banked on or assumed that things would unfold in a certain way.

Well, turns out no one passed my kids, or my body, the memo. It also appears a lot of my friends didn’t get the memo either.

So I’ll happily debunk these myths. Or at least qualify them. Every new parent should be armed with the best preparation and coffee pots possible.

One cup of coffee will be enough

I have friends who never touched a cup of coffee a day in their life until they had kids. Now they own a Keurig, a Tassimo, a 14 cup machine, and are on a first name basis with the local Tim Hortons and Starbucks employees. Chances are, if you didn’t like coffee before, it’ll be your best friend soon.

You will never sleep again

I can not count the number of times I’ve heard this one. Yes, sleep will be different, no doubt. And in the early days, it will be scarce. But eventually these 5am happy toddlers will become teens who need to be dragged out of bed and then we’ll be frustrated by that. You WILL sleep again. Eventually.

Boxes of wine are just for parties

I’m not saying you NEED to have wine. I am saying that after a long day entertaining and/or attempting to settle a child, it’s nice to have to have easy access to a tall glass of relaxation.

Nine months up, nine months down

Some people leave the hospital after having their baby wearing their pre-pregnancy jeans. Most though, do not. My son is past the nine month mark and I’m still trying to kick these last pounds. I’ll be 35 this week and my mother says she is still trying to kick the last pounds from me.

She who looks like you, will be like you

Look at this comparison shot:

The nifty 70s outfit and the super safe-looking car seat might give it away, but in case it’s not otherwise obvious, the picture on the right is my daughter and the left is me. We share a face, even more so now as she gets older, but that kid is her dad through and through.

Television is not there to be a babysitter

Except, sometimes, it is the best and cheapest one available.

A year of maternity leave isn’t enough

Okay, this one is a toughie. The reality is that for a lot of people it just isn’t enough. Lots of women would stay home if only money would allow. But what I didn’t realize is that I, personally, was a better mommy for my daughter when I was back in the work force. I have quite a few friends who chose to go back to work early, and a few who never planned on taking more than six months in the first place, and didn’t regret it.

I acknowledge that people in the United States would kill for the chance to have the leave we are granted in this country, and I am grateful for it. I also acknowledge that not everyone wants to take advantage of it.

Sleep training works in days, just do it already!

It is true, that for a lot of children, they just need to be shown how to sleep. What isn’t true, though, is that any kid can be sleep trained in three nights. Everyone told me that, and there was some truth to it for my kids, but for a lot of people I know it took a lot longer than that.

Last time I checked there wasn’t a one size fits all anything for any kid. Any method that doesn’t account for different personalities (read: ability to hold out and scream for HOURS) does parents a disservice and makes them think they’re doing something wrong, when in reality, their kids are just more persistent.

Newborns are adorable

All I’ll say about this is that one of my friends said it best when she said that she was glad mother nature blinded her from seeing how scrawny and wrinkly her baby was until the point when her baby was finally adorable.

Your baby will sleep soooooooooooooooooo much better when they start solids

…or if you give cereal before bed…or if you put cereal in the nighttime bottle…I only have anecdotal evidence to back me up here, but it’s mostly untrue. It can work. But more often than not, it doesn’t change a thing.

You will change a million poopy diapers a day

I had no idea that some little kids only go once a week! My son went every four days. One thing is for certain, sadly but truly, the focus on your child’s digestive system is borderline obsessively insane in the early days. I used to call my husband on poo day to advise him of the dirty diaper’s arrival. I also ended each of those phone calls with “I used to be cool.”

The car will be your saviour

If your baby is crying, just strap them in for a ride!” I honestly think the only place my child cried more than she did at home, is when I had the audacity to strap her into the car seat. It can work. But it is definitely not a miracle cure for all. Even though I was promised it was.

The Terrible Twos are the worst

Funny, but before I had kids I had never heard anything but that. Along comes my kids and all of a sudden all of my friends with older kids were all ‘oh, but wait until the Trying Threes!’ And I can’t share what the Fours are called in polite company. I think, as you navigate each wonderful stage of development, that they all have their challenges. They are challenging in different ways, and some will be more challenging on some parents than on others, and some kids will navigate some stages better than others. I was a great obedient, studious teenager. But I’m pretty sure my parents could have done without me from ages 18-22.

You will just somehow know what you’re doing

Everyone told me before my kids were born that I’ll just figure it out. Learn as I go. Meanwhile, almost three years in, I am pretty much flying by the seat of my pants. I don’t find parenting intuitive. I find it a big long practice of trial and error.

For all of the cliches, and there are many, so far I have only found one to hold true.

Blink and you’ll miss it! They grow so fast!

This is, of course, not to be confused with ‘”enjoy it while you can,” because that is sometimes impossible when you have a screaming newborn or a tantruming toddler. But it is true that the older they get, the faster time seems to fly.

In the early days of being a parent, when I was stressed and at my wit’s end, a good friend said to me the days are long, but the years are short. And while those days, at the time, seemed to have gone on forever, likewise, they were a lifetime ago.

So despite not just magically knowing what I’m doing, I do know this: Through trial and error, a heck of a lot of wine, and plenty of commiseration from other mothers, I think my children and I are figuring it all out – together.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.

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Some of my worst memories from when my kids were babies are related to sleep.

I’m pretty sure I have a tiny bit of PTSD from listening to them cry in their cribs and having NO CLUE what to do about it.

Now and again I find myself thinking, ‘I should have just relaxed and not made such a big deal out of it‘. But if I let myself remember for a moment what it was like holding and rocking a cranky, overtired, sleep-resisting, squirmy, sweaty baby, I remember why I couldn’t ‘just relax‘.

One memory comes back to me vividly and often: Aliya was about 6 months old, and as usual was resisting her nap. I had sat with her in the rocking chair for probably an hour, and the crying was just intensifying. Her little eyes were red and puffy, and it was obvious she was desperately overtired. But yet she fought.

Finally I put her in her crib, shut the door, and slid down the wall next to her room until I was in a heap on the floor. She was screaming in her bed, and I cried right along with her. After a while of this, our upstairs landlord even called to make sure everything was OK. No, it wasn’t OK at all…I was exhausted, at the end of my rope, and had no idea how to help her sleep.

So, I won’t say I have the answer for how to get your baby to sleep. There is no one answer. And with fussy babies, you all know that what works today often won’t work tomorrow.

That said, there are some basic strategies I believe often help, and can’t hurt to try. At the very least, it will give you something to try if you’re in that place of desperation.

Try an Ultra-Early Bedtime

My daughter sucked at napping until she was about a year old. But one thing she did well right from about 6 weeks on was to sleep well at night (maybe because she was so exhausted from not napping).

We noticed that the evenings were when she was at her fussiest, and really, she was just unmanageable at times. She was so obviously tired, but we were scared to put her down too early for fear she would wake up a couple of hours later, or wake up ultra-early the next morning.

What we found however, was that she usually went to sleep much easier, usually didn’t wake up several hours later, and actually SLEPT IN LATER the next morning. I have heard the same story time and time again from parents.

Marc Weissbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and Your Fussy Baby talks about giving your sleep-resisting baby a chance to catch up on sleep at the beginning of the night, rather than expecting them to sleep in later in the morning (because we know that just doesn’t happen).

Aliya’s standard bedtime was around 6pm AIC (ass-in-crib), or even earlier if she was extra-fussy. When Sammy came along, we used an early bedtime for him as well (not right at the beginning, but once he had a bit more of a routine).

He has always been an early-riser (sometimes 4-5am), so if we didn’t give him an early bedtime, he would have been even more sleep-deprived (Note: Sam is 5 now, and regularly sleeps in until 7-8am. There is hope!).

Shorten the Amount of Awake Time Between Naps

Especially at the beginning, you’d be surprised at how much sleep these little ones actually need to function properly.

Sure, if you have an ‘easy baby’, you can get awake with a few hours of awake time. But with fussy babies, I’d definitely say the shorter, the better.

As newborns, they may only be able to handle 20 minutes of awake, alert time, and then it’s time to soothe them back to sleep (especially if it takes a while to soothe them). As they get a bit bigger, 30-60 minutes, and even as older babies, some kids can only handle 1.5 hours of awake time before going down again.

It’s crazy, but true. At least this is the way it was with mine.

If your baby is resisting naps but is obviously overtired and needs to sleep, try reducing their awake time until you notice they fall asleep a little easier. Now you’re getting closer to figuring out how long they can comfortably be awake.

Cat-Napper? Put Him or Her Down More Often

Although Sammy was the ultimate fusspot, naps were one of his (few) strong suits. I knew that if I wore him in a sling and kept moving, he would usually get the sleep he needed.

Aliya on the other hand, would not sleep in a car, plane, train, carrier, sling, in my bed, or anywhere but her crib. By herself (one of the few exceptions is the picture above).

And during the day, she would nap 45 minutes – never a minute more, never a minute less. And when she would wake up, she was just as fussy as when she went down.

And basically because I couldn’t deal with being with a baby who was grumpy ALL DAY, I would put her down for 4 45-minute naps each nap. Mainly because I needed the break. It was torture having to go through our elaborate soothing routine 4 times a day, but I strongly believed that sleep begets sleep, and if I just gave up and let her stay awake, her sleep would spiral out of control.

I know if you have older kids, it may not be possible for you to do this. But I’d encourage to keep trying to help them get their rest, any way you can.

Which brings us to my last strategy…

Do Whatever it Takes to Help Your Child Sleep

Will your baby sleep beside you? On top of you? Attached to you? Let him.

What about in the car, stroller, or carrier? Do it.

Don’t worry about people criticizing you or saying you’re spoiling him. Fussy babies have trouble self-soothing, yet they need sleep more than other babies. Do whatever you have to do.

There comes a time when they’re a bit older when it’s time to help them learn to self-soothe, fall asleep on their own, etc, etc., but when they’re really little and fussy, you have enough to worry about. Don’t even worry about it until your baby is at least 6-8 months old (this is my personal opinion, I know some would disagree).

We laid down with Sammy until he was about 2.5, but you know what? He slept. We all slept. And then when we stopped being able to sleep, he was old enough that we could gently teach him how to fall asleep on his own.

While I know you can’t ‘just relax’, do try to remember that this stage will pass. It ALWAYS does.

Don’t feel guilty about ‘spoiling them’, teaching bad habits, or doing whatever it is your gut tells you is right. Sometimes these are the only ways to survive this stage of infant-hood.

Are you struggling with sleep issues? Have you tried any of the strategies above? Do they work for you?

Need personalized sleep-strategies for your baby? We recommend Rebecca Michi – She specializes in helping you help your fussy or high-need baby sleep, without crying it out. Contact her today!

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