Feelings I Never Thought I’d Have
As the parent of a fussy baby who sounded like he was in the worst pain possible for at least a few hours each day, I was confident he had some type of medical issue.
My husband and I dragged our screaming infant to the pediatrician about once a week for a while…pleading for her to do something to help him. Was she sure babies couldn’t have opiates? Absolutely sure?
I never thought I’d feel angry at my baby but to my horror, I did.
I was alone with him a lot and when he would go on one of his jags, it felt like he was yelling at me specifically. With every “WAAAAAAAAH,” I heard “You are missing what is wrong with me. You aren’t helping me. I don’t feel safe. What you are doing isn’t enough! You are a bad mother.”
It was not Dominic’s fault at all and rationally I knew that. I felt such grief for him…that I couldn’t figure out his baby code…that he had to suffer instead.
There was also exhaustion, anger, fear and confusion. I had an overwhelming amount of murky emotions to trudge through each day in my role as Dominic’s mommy and I never knew when my anger switch would flip.
It seemed that when my frustration, fear or hurt got too intense, it would turn to fury instead, as if that were more appropriate – to be angry at my own helpless child. As you may also have experienced, feeling resentment toward Dominic led to an excruciating form of mommy guilt.
Mommy guilt sucks. It fed into the whole cycle.
You would think I would have gone to a counselor with all this darkness inside me, but I didn’t. I barely mentioned it. It was so wrong, I told myself, to feel anything negative toward this innocent baby. But yet I did.
I thought of hurting him sometimes. I would be holding him and feel my whole body tense up with frustration from his cries. And I would think of throwing him. Obviously I didn’t.
I loved my son more than anything, screaming or not. I still do. My emotional response to his crying was a warning sign that I needed more help than I was getting.
What kept me from getting that help was shame.
I was ashamed of how I felt. I thought maybe someone would decide I wasn’t a fit mother or at least not a good mother. I wondered about this myself. Was I a good mother when I was capable of feeling so angry with my newborn?
Looking back on those first few months, I can say, Yes, I was a good mother. I did the best I could. I didn’t harm my son. I researched on the internet everyday and tried all sorts of techniques, swaddling products and food sources.
I slowly, but surely, began to talk to other parents about how I felt, which was validating. I found out that others before me had thought about harming their baby during a crying spree. It is actually during crying spells that most babies are shaken or harmed by frantic parents pushed passed their limits.
Some things that really helped me to get through this “blue period” of parenthood were:
- Doing research on crying, causes, and calming methods.
- Getting empathy and camaraderie from other parents of fussy babies via The Fussy Baby Site.
- Purchasing The Happiest Baby on the Block program and using the 5 S’s (Praise God! Something that actually worked!)
- Talking with my husband about it. We found that we were both feeling angry with him and were able to help each other when one was sounding a little overwhelmed.
- Focusing on the positives of Dominic’s sensitivity. He has an innate sweetness and tenderness to his character and he just draws people to him when he is happy. He has a beautiful soul and has a lot of passion.
- Getting out of the house with him. It usually distracted him from crying and often he’d fall asleep in the car. Amen to that.
- Singing to him. He would almost always love that- and I will say this confuses me because I am no Janet Jackson. Not even Janis Joplin. I would sing and he would smile at me with such a tenderness like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. And that would make me smile. It calmed both of us.
- Date night. We had a baby sitter come almost every weekend to spring us so we could go out to a movie/ dinner. It was something we longingly looked ahead to when in the midst of a difficult week. I would highly suggest this to any families who aren’t currently getting out as a couple. Our fussy baby inadvertently fried our nerves like it was his job which often ended up turning us on each other. When we were out together minus the mini, there was time to reconnect and HAVE FUN. It was like vacation.
My intention in this post is to let you know that you are not a bad parent if you are feeling angry with your little one.
It is normal to wish you could trade your baby in for the silent model or to feel resentful at your spouse for leaving you along with him again. It is common to become furious at your baby when the crying won’t stop. You aren’t alone.
And you shouldn’t keep yourself isolated. Keeping all those volatile thoughts inside is the worst thing we can do as parents of challenging babies. It does nothing for the bonding process or the parents/baby as individuals. No one is getting what they need with all that resentment in the way.
Talk to someone about how you are feeling. See a therapist or find a good friend who won’t judge you. I was so surprised how UN-shocked people were when I would tell them how I was REALLY feeling!
A very good mom I know once told me she once fantasized about throwing her colicky son out of his nursery window one sleepless night.
I was so empathetic to that and we actually laughed a little. Thoughts are just that. Thoughts. What counts is that they don’t turn into actions.
Amanda is the owner of Ready or Not – A Baby Planning Service. She is in love with her toddler and her husband and derives much of her writing inspiration from her family experiences. To learn more about Amanda and what she does to help pregnant and new parents, please check out her website at www.readyornotbabyplanning.com.
Photo Credit: m_bartosch
Category: Colic, Guest Posts, High Need Babies, Personal, Stories
Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
Thank you for this Amanda. I think you’ve really summed up what so many of us have gone through. Thanks for having the courage to share.
Holly, not a problem. Lol, I probably would have been more afraid to write about this had I not already dipped my toe in the water by speaking in person with other women about it. It seems many of us go through this horrifying period with fussy babies. It makes us question our very souls. The response is really just based on stress hormones but I felt like I was evil. This is where you have to give it your all and just make it through.
I totally agree Amanda! I would fantasize about getting hurt or being in a car accident or something so I could just go to the hospital and be by myself in silence for a while….how crazy was that!?! I couldn’t admit to anyone how I felt, because like you said you just feel so ashamed for having those thoughts. I felt like I was going crazy until I figured out how to get my daughter to stop crying! Guilt can be a vicious thing…it’s so easy to get overwhelmed during colic.
I completely relate.
Thanks for your honest post. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has felt like this. There were many nights when the crying and screaming would reach its peak where I would have to keep kissing or hugging her for fear that I would do what I really wanted to do, which was smack her out of frustration and exhaustion. How is it that you can love and hate your child simultaneously? I never asked that aloud for fear that people wouldn’t understand or judge me…or worse…think of me as an unfit mother. It’s good to know that all these feelings are normal and nothing to be ashamed about and that there is help out there if you need it.
@Robyn – your feelings are absolutely normal! It took me months to bond with my son because we had so few positive experiences together. Our life together consisted of me trying to get him to stop crying! I’m happy to report that those feelings did come (as I’m sure they have for you) and I couldn’t possible love him any more than I do now
I can totally relate to this post, almost every sentence. I remember crying with him one day and saying for the first time out loud “I can’t handle you. Having another baby was a mistake. You were a mistake. I can’t do this and I want my old life back.” I felt awful for actually saying it, but it was a little cathartic to speak my thoughts. Those were some pretty dark days. I feel like my husband almost had it worse- he didn’t see the little bits of happiness and smiles that would pop in here and there during the day, or get to enjoy the *quiet* baby when he was settled in the afternoon. All he caught was the screaming every night. I was at least connecting to the baby every once and awhile, but he wasn’t. It took some time before that happened, which was hard because I knew he was feeling the same things I was. We were just talking the other day about how we’re sad we missed out on the newborn and little baby days with our second son, because we spent those days hating our lives and being miserable. Seeing newborn clothes at the store even makes my stomach flip sometimes. I can’t express how relieved I am that we made it through- he’s eight months (today, actually) and all of this is over for the most part (he’s still a clinger, Mom-only please!) but it will be some time before we’re over it.
Thanks for sharing Lyndsay! I can relate to everything you wrote. We also grieved the newborn days (as in, we grieved that we didn’t enjoy them), and are SO glad they’re behind us. We have 2 kids, and I can’t honestly say we didn’t enjoy the newborn days with either of them. I’d love to have an easy baby, but I’m not taking the chance
wow- so glad i found this blog. I had a pretty much great pregnancy, so i thought that i would deliver naturally – didn’t happen. After feeling like a failure for having a c-section, I then thought ok I will do great at breastfeeding. Well with a colicky baby with acid reflux that was very very difficult plus trying to recover from the surgery…hmm…let’s just say that also was a no win. It is so comforting to hear from other mothers that they feel like bad moms because I feel like that too. I try and try to calm my baby girl down, but she cries and cries. At least I know I’m not alone – thank you : )
@sara – I’m glad you found this site too! There is a certain level of comfort in knowing you’re not a bad parent and that you’re not the only one going through this. It’s out of our hands! We just need to do the best we can with what we’ve been given…and that’s all we can do!
I am so glad my blog has been validating to all of you! I think if we all felt we could be honest about our feelings as mothers, there would be less postpartum depression.
I have to ask…how were you ok with leaving the baby on date nights? I want nothing more than to leave her for awhile, but i cant handle the thought of her crying while im gone. I should add that we had a traumatic birth with many unwanted separations that may be where my feelings on that originate.
I’m currently rocking my little girl who has cried furiously all day long… Now she is peaceful and almost asleep and I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt for all I have felt and thought… I sat hear and cried right a long with her pleading in shushes for her to stop.. This post has given me hope that I will get through this
Amazing. I wish I had read this when my 4 yr old had colic and I had postpartum depression while recovering from a hard labor and emergency c-section and failing at breast feeding. YEAH, I totally understand. Now, we have a 1 month old with colic. This time it’s a tiny bit easier because my c-section wasn’t as hard to recover from and I don’t need antidepressants (they really helped the first time though!) I learned a few tricks last time too. But It’s only a bit easier though. It’s STILL tough. I still get overwhelmed. I still have the occasional wacked out thought. I still troll the internet at odd hours looking for answers. Plus…this time we have a 4 year old too! Challenging. Thank you for writing so candidly. Thanks to all the other mothers who have commented! I feel like I just got a hug of encouragement! This too shall pass.
Just found this site looking for help with our 9 week old baby girl. After 4 easy children our last has become my nightmare. I feel like a complete failure as a mother and feel guilty that I wish we had not had another baby. This has been the worst experience I have ever had and I keep wondering if it will ever get better. Acid reflux, colic, refusing to nurse (which means I get to pump every 3 hours round the clock then spend an hour trying to get her to take the milk from a bottle), being exhausted every day from all the bouncing, jiggling, carrying, rocking and whatever other physical movements I can do to keep her from crying. This has taken a toll on the awesome relationship I once had with my husband. I now feel resentment towards him for wanting another baby. I feel like my life has been ruined.
Lisa,
I have been there and am so sorry you are walking this path because I know how it hurts. Things will improve as your child gets older. They did for mine. Please contact me on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/readyornotbabyplanning/ and we can talk more. I would love to help. Hang in there and maybe get in to see your doctor about postpartum depression. That’s why I was so angry. PPD is very common for moms of fussy babies.
Ashley, you are so welcome. I really felt this needed to be written. I needed to get rid of the shame and judgment I had against myself for having these feelings. It was healing for me and even more so as I see it helping other moms and dads trudge forward with love in their hearts and crying babies in their arms. Warmest regards, Amanda.
Becky,
I was okay with leaving baby on date nights because we knew we needed that time away in order to be the best parents we could be. He got a very nice bond with our neighbor lady as she watched him once a week since about three weeks old! She is like his third grandma now. He loves her.
I am so thankful I read your article. I came across the Fussy Baby Site a few days ago and your article just yesterday. I couldn’t understand why my son constantly whined and cried, especially at night. My daughter, the firstborn, was so easy! So I thought for sure my son, now 1 year old, would be the same, easy. He just screams and howls at the top of his lungs. The first 3 months of his life were fine. Then my husband got a new job and we had to move to a new state. Then at 4 months old, out of nowhere one night, he starts to scream and scream when I put him down for bedtime. We have had the same routine for nighttime since he was 1 month old. I am completely baffled and exhausted. The doctor says he’s healthy and fine but I’m exhausted and so is my husband. He has had difficult transitions, such as from the breast to a bottle. At one point I thought I would be nursing forever! He finally did transition after great difficulty and finding just the “right” bottle.
Some days are better than others and I’m thankful for that. But for the most part he continues to cry and scream at night. We’ve kept the same routine and are consistent, but I want things to change. I want him to rest and me too. My husband and I rarely sleep in the same bed anymore since my son doesn’t want to sleep in his crib. He cries and screams sleeping in our bed too. We can’t afford a sleep specialist and I want my son to feel good sleeping on his own. At this point I’ll try anything! I hope things will change soon.