Lindsay’s Story
Sophia is my first child, born July 27th, 2011, 1 day before her due date.
After trying to get pregnant for a year, my husband and I found out that we had done it! We were so excited. I have wanted children all of my life and finally at 31, I would be achieving that goal.
I had a very typical pregnancy…nausea, backaches, rib pain, exhaustion. We chose a birthing center with an awesome team of midwives about 25 miles from home to have deliver our baby.
We also opted for the 20 week ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby. That highly anticipated day quickly turned devastating. The results of the ultrasound, along with a quad screening blood test we decided to have based on the ultrasound, gave us a 1/12 odds for having a baby with Downs Syndrome.
Going through the emotions of this is a whole other story in itself. We spent the remainder of the pregnancy with these odds and this worry. And despite these odds, we chose to continue our pre-natal care with the Birth Center.
Then came D-day. And anyone who has given birth knows that this is as well, a whole story in itself. Labor and delivery was very textbook. Very long, but textbook. Almost 27 hours of labor and almost 3 hours of pushing, and out came Sophia. Finally! She was here; healthy, beautiful and screaming.
As long as mom and baby are doing well, the standard with our birth center is that you may go home about 4 hours after delivery. During that time there are a few routine protocols: any suturing needed is done, they want to see that baby can latch on and nurse, they like you to eat a meal, and if you and dad want to take a nap, this is also the time to do so.
The first hour for me was sutures, the rest of the time was trying to get Sophia to nurse. Every trick in the book was attempted. 2 midwives, 1 midwife in training, my mom (who has breastfed 4 children) and my sister (who has breastfed 2) all there assisting. No success.
We were given the option to stay and continue our efforts, or go home and continue there. We decided to go home. We were sent with a nipple shield and instruction to call first thing the next morning to let them know our progress. Sophia never did latch on, so the midwives came out to our home first thing the next morning. We were set up with a device that allowed us to feed her through a tube while at the breast.
Sophia continued to struggle immensely when it came to feeding and struggled to gain weight until she was 3 months old. Really, the issues with breastfeeding are as well, a very long story.
I bring all of this up, because through my recent research of high need babies, difficulties with breastfeeding seem to be common. I also bring up the concern we had for Downs Syndrome because I have also read theories of possible causes of high need behavior in babies; one being a stressful pregnancy.
Not only did we have the 1/12 chance for Downs, but I was working 50-55 hour work weeks in a very busy Ophthalmology practice up until my due date. I would say I wasn’t taking it easy 
I have been wanting to tell my story for a long time now, but as all know with a high need baby, things are always changing. I was questioning whether or not Sophia really needed this label. Is she really high need? Or is she the same as every other baby, and I’m just a wimp?
As you spend day in and day out with a baby like this, it does become your normal. It’s when you are around other babies the same age that are sound asleep in their mother’s arms, or when your mom and sister and mother-in-law (who had 7 children) say “none of my babies….”; you again realize, I am dealing with something special here.
And then I decided to change my thinking. It’s not a label, but a way to help understand her and her needs. Getting real with the way SHE worked, helped me work WITH her.
Sophia is now 6 months old, and I can’t get over how far we have come. She is definitely full of spirit. Everyone who comes in contact with her notices she is different than most babies. So intense, so aware.
I do not mourn the first few months of her life, not for a second. But the horror of those months is slowly fading and I am thrilled to be the mother of a child with so much depth.
Lindsay lives in Seattle, WA with her husband and now 7 month old daughter Sophia. She is currently on maternity leave, which has lasted much longer than expected due to the challenges that accompany a high need baby.
Category: Colic, Guest Posts, High Need Babies, Stories
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Wow Lindsay- we also gave birth in July with our first (I’m 33) and we had a very stressful pregnancy (surgery in the middle etc. test results that gave a high percent chance of cystic fibrosis etc.), and then a 30 hour labor and 3 hours of pushing. We were shocked to have a “more difficult than most” baby. Screaming was the norm and people would say, “Well, babies cry afterall!” as if we were exaggerating- but just a little bit of time with her and they would understand. After 3 months (and figuring out her milk allergy) things improved greatly and now she’s just more “expressive” and ALWAYS aware and observant than most babies. Your high stress pregnancy theory is interesting…
Hi Georgia,
It is an interesting theory…although not one I’ve found to be all that accurate
Your daughter sounds very much like our little Sammy was…we kept waiting for the ‘colic’ to go away, and around 4 months old we had to come to terms with the fact that he was still more alert, more energetic, more sensitive and more unpredictable! Wondering if you’ve read Raising Your Spirited Child? That book was a lifesaver for us once Sam moved past the colicky stage!
Holly
Thank you for writing this. It gave me my much needed boost to continue forward with my high needs baby.
I too had a rough pregnancy. After two miscarriages, IVF, we had a baby that continually had low numbers and low weights. At our 20 week ultrasound we found out that I had placenta previa and a two vessel cord, we were basically told every month that we would have to wait and see. Towards the end of the pregnancy I was on bed rest and going into the doctor twice a week, sometimes three times, for fetal heartrate tests. It was quite stressful. Our baby is fine now, still quite petite and quite a handful but fine.
I too struggle with labeling her and worry constantly that perhaps it’s more just me and my failures than it is her just being her unique, well opinionated self. Whenever I begin to feel that way I come to this site and read of other mother’s stories. Each time I cry when I read the words that seem to portray my experiences nearly word for word. It’s so refreshing to hear someone who understands instead of getting that look of “why can’t you just (insert whatever here)”. Thank you for telling your story, I hope it helped you, it certainly helped me.
My firstborn was a colicky, always unhappy baby, and he too had problems with latching on. It was a month before he was able to latch on without a shield, and at the beginning it took a good 30 minutes to get him latched on at all. So that part fits.
But as for the stressful pregnancy… that didn’t… we had a totally normal and easy pregnancy, and of course a mind-numbingly difficult labor, as he was my first.
In contrast, with my third, the pregnancy was still easy but the stress–oh the stress. We moved twice across state lines, and a couple times within, couldn’t find a place to live, switched jobs 3 times, were tormented by a boss from hell… and almost bankrupted! I was afraid that I’d lose the baby the stress was so great. My third child is the most easy-going, affectionate and joyful child ever. So at least in our case that didn’t ring true.
I can absolutely relate to second-guessing yourself when your baby just doesn’t settle… I still do it! At seven, my high needs boy is still high-needs… when he wants something, he still YELLS it. LOL We are working on that, and I suspect we’ll be working on that forever. sigh.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you all for your comments! It felt great to be a part of a site that has really helped me the past number of months. I too, Melissa, visit this site especially when I am feeling alone and no one understands. Even though I don’t personally KNOW these other men and women that are telling their stories, I feel I really relate to them. It gives you that boost needed to get through the day sometimes.
I never was fully convinced of the theory that a stressful pregnancy “caused” my high need baby…maybe I just wanted to blame SOMETHING. In the beginning I asked myself “why?” a lot; not so much now. I have accepted it is just her. I now ask “how” can I help her. And truly, this site is a great resource for that, as well as the Fussy Baby facebook page. And since Sophia is still only 8 months old, a lot of what I read on this site as well as on the facebook page, helps to prepare me for what is to come.
Thanks again Holly for letting me share my story. It has done a lot for me and maybe for a few others, which is awesome