The Good Baby Question
“Is He a Good Baby?”
As a new mother of a seemingly “good baby” I was happy to answer this question.
“Oh Yes he is! He doesn’t cry very much… mostly he just sleeps in my lap and nurses.”
“Oh that is so nice. You are blessed.”
“Thank you so much. I know. He’s amazing! I believe my World’s Best Baby Maker Award will be arriving in the mail next week.”
This was our new family’s “Honeymoon Period.” Despite recovering from a C-section, I was on a little baby-lovin’ cloud those first few weeks. Honestly, all I had to do was sniff his head and I was high off of my own motherly hormones.
I loved breastfeeding…Talk about feeling loved! I smile just thinking of how happy it made me to nurse Dominic the Good. The problem came as I stopped needing my pain medicine.
Once the Vicoden left my breast milk, my good baby left me as was replaced by Dominic the Not-So-Good. I didn’t view him as meeting the Good Baby standards anymore. He was no longer in a haze but very alert and very angry.
As a new parent set, my husband Chris and I were bewildered by his new attitude – the scrunched, red face and the little flailing limbs. He truly sounded like he was furious with us. We didn’t understand that babies all adjust to change differently and that being born isn’t as easy for some as it is for others.
In the next months I would learn a bottomless pit of information about fussy babies, often from the Fussy Baby Site. Sadly, I couldn’t attempt to explain why Dominic was the way he was to other people without it taking hours.
I felt very sad that he didn’t fit into the extremely narrow borders of the Good Baby box anymore which apparently meant that I needed to drug him. I wanted other people to see him the way that I did because to a passerby he was a fussy baby. That term made me uncomfortable because I heard it as “bad baby.”
The stigma of having a colicky or fussy baby isn’t pleasant because it is often assumed that we are doing something incorrectly. Carrying this stigma is a much heavier load when you care what other people think as much as I do. I cringed when people asked me if he was a good baby once he didn’t fit the bill.
I would say yes, and would feel that I was lying. But I wasn’t, because he was mine and he sure as hell wasn’t a BAD baby. Is there such a thing? No. So why do we ask new mothers this?
I came across a blog post by a woman who was sick of the question “Is he a good baby?” Many of the comments on her post told her that she was too sensitive and that good just meant easy. They said she was over-thinking it. I laughed as I read her post because I could completely relate. I laughed even harder when I read the comments. There is not a doubt in my mind that those same women have asked the good baby question…every time they see a new baby.
As parents of fussy, colicky and high need babies we hear a lot of unhappy baby vocalizations. Unwanted comments and advice often follow when we are in public. We are worn thin many times and consequently – Yes! We are sensitive on the topic. That’s to be expected. Who wouldn’t be?
I felt very inadequate when I wasn’t able to sooth my son’s cries, which was most of the time. I felt jealous of parents who had easy babies. His first 6 months were ridiculously difficult, but we came out the other side alive and he is a great little toddler!
This too shall pass but until it does…
The good baby question is one that people ask without thinking (just like the “are you pregnant with twins” question).
We should try to have a thick skin about it I suppose, but it’s okay if it ticks us off too!
Category: Colic, Guest Posts, High Need Babies, Personal, Rants
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I feel the same way when people make comments to new mothers like “enjoy every moment, they grow up so quickly”. After having a fussy baby, I avoid these comments like the plague. I usually politely ask how the new addition is doing, and then I ask how the mama is doing. I am shocked by how many new mamas of even “easy” babies (as if any new baby is truly easy!) are so pleasantly surprised that someone would ask how THEY are doing!
I also hate the label “colicky” or “fussy”…I feel like the baby gets a bad rap. My second son had colic and has spent the first 6 months of his life being compared to his older brother, who was a pretty easy baby. I feel like that’s totally unfair to my youngest, like he’s the ‘bad’ son. My MIL calls him a grump and crabby because he won’t let her hold him for longer than 5 mins before screaming. I secretly laugh inside every time it happens and give him a little wink. I hope his label doesnt follow him around his whole life- he can’t help it if his wires are wound a little tight.
I agree ladies. My little guy burst into tears EVERY time my mom held him. I sometimes found it funny too just because it was so predictable. But sometimes I felt bad too And many of my relatives would say “He’s crabby.” or “wow. He’s really mad.” “Is he sick or something.” It was frustrating. Got a lot of looks too, that kind of said, “What the heck is wrong with your kid?” Words don’t even need to be said with a look like that.
Luckily now Dominic likes my mom. Finally. She’s always tried so hard to interact with him but he just wasn’t sure about her.
I refused to believe my baby is ‘high need’ until he was 12 mo+. Since he was born, my DH told me that he fit into the features of high need baby but I still wanted to believe he was a normal baby. Yes, it is kind of sick to hear the stigma of fussy baby, i hate that term. only moms with high need babies with understand and empathy with each others. i am glad i found you all – amazing moms! life is not a breeze for us, let us motivate and support each other
I could relate to the “Is he a good baby?” When people asked me that I didn’t know what to say. What does that even mean?? Does my baby swear or steal? No. Does my baby cry a lot? Yes. Does that mean she’s a bad baby?? I don’t understand what people are really asking when they ask that question. And usually it’s asked almost in passing so how can you really answer properly?
I am really pleased that so many of you related to my blog. I’m very happy to be able to reach out to moms that are going through what I did. It isn’t easy to raise a high needs or colicky baby, but I believe God makes up for it somewhere along the line. And I wouldn’t trade my little Dominic for any calm baby. No way. He is very sweet and loving because of his sensitive nature. That is a blessing.