We Never Meant to be the Uptight Parents

1:43 pm |

I remember quite clearly a discussion I had with Julie before Chloe was born. We were talking about how we’d raise our kids – the attitudes we’d take, ourscheduling babies style of parenting. I said to Julie:

“Don’t worry. We’re not going to be like those uptight parents who plan everything out, fret over every little thing about their children. It wouldn’t be healthy for them or us. We’re just going to keep doing all the exciting stuff we do now, but bring them along for the ride. That’s how they’ll learn… by experiencing life with us.”

I know… yes, I really said that. I’m almost embarrassed at how naive I was and at how poorly I had judged others.

I looked at certain friends of ours who were having difficulty with their first children, and while I empathised to an extent, I also thought, get a grip!

These friends recently turned parents seemed to be always fretting over nap schedules, feedings and crying so much that visiting seemed next to impossible. Right in mid-sentence, the conversation would be cut off over some little thing the baby needed. To non-parents like Julie and me, it seemed as though they were obsessed and had lost all sense of balance.

Now I know they were actually trying to keep a very delicate balance and preserve whatever sanity they had left.

I wrote in an earlier post that going through colic and sleep problems with a baby is traumatic – so much so that it leaves scars. But nobody who hasn’t been through it gets that. Not even family and closest friends understand that if you’re holding on with a tight grip, it’s because you’re just keeping it together and that at any moment it could all fall apart.

But we were aware of how crazy we must have seemed to others. To say we were demanding would have been an understatement – still is an understatement.

Last Christmas, we insisted on having three rooms – one for Chloe, one for Emily, and one for us, when we visited family. It might seem crazy, but we would have rather turned around and driven 3, 4 or 5 hours home than do it any other way.

If Chloe and Emily are in the same room, neither of them sleeps. If Emily is in the same room with us, Julie doesn’t sleep because she’s listening for every possible noise Emily might make. And if Chloe sleeps with us she doesn’t sleep because she can only ever seem to sleep on her own, which means we don’t sleep. It’s torture and we avoid it. But you should see me trying to explain to my 3 childless siblings why we need to hog 3 rooms at Christmas. sleeping child

Sibling: “Come on man. I don’t sleep well when I’m not in a bed.”

Me: “Well I don’t sleep well ever. You can handle it for one night.”

We practice a form of tyranny when we’re the parents of a fussy baby. We might as well say, “play the game my way or I’m picking up my ball and going home.”

We give strict instructions to grandparents on when and how to put baby down for a nap, and if they don’t follow those instructions exactly, we get angry. Why? Because baby didn’t nap as long as he should have and now he’s going to be up crying at night. But they don’t get that. They’re just trying to help.

We’re tyrants out of necessity, but we don’t like it anymore than we like any of the other challenges of a fussy baby. We don’t like that we seem crazy and inflexible to the people around us. It only adds to our anxiety and stress.

I’ve often wondered,

Do they think it’s us? Do they think we’re partly to blame for our children being so fussy, temperamental, and inflexible – because we can’t chill out?

I can’t remember how many people told us about how they used to take their babies anywhere, even to parties.

“Oh we’d just take them along to the party with us, and the youngest, well I’d just rock her to sleep under the table with my foot while we kept on visiting. She’d sleep anywhere.”

These people had lived the dream I’d intended when boasting to Julie about how we’d raise our kids. And had we wound up with accommodating babies like the ones they’d had, we’d have thought that parents of fussy babies were just uptight too.

But we’ve been there and know better.

 

Sean Sutton

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

 

*Photo Credits: Stuart Miles | David Castillo Dominici

 

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Category: Sleep, Stories

Comments (10)

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  1. Georgia says:

    We are in the throes of it now. And while our little girl has improved SO Much since month 3 and actually is pretty happy most of the day, my issue is that people don’t believe what it’s like when we’re home at night. My family has actually told me that they think we’re making most of it up.

    Even when she’s happy at night we have the issue of a baby who is always alert, hates sleep, is hard to get to sleep and won’t stay that way.

    The only person who really understands is my husband. It has definitely pushed us apart at times like never before and yet brought us closer together than ever…

    Love your site.

    p.s. and yes.. we were never going to be “those” parents either. Ha!

  2. I really identify with this post. I too thought we would be the chillaxin’ parents who weren’t over protective or, pardon the term, fussy. But a baby can and usually does change you… and your whole world. For a fussy baby I think this applies times ten thousand!!!! If you don’t do things a certain way… have a routine for everything and make everything a fun game…. it all goes down hill man. And yes, only we as fussy baby parents know this. Should we be called FBPs by the way. I think we’ve all earned an acronym…

  3. Kim says:

    SOOOO true. Before our daughter was born my husband and I had many conversations about how relaxed we’d be and how she would fit into our lifestyle. We were never going to be one of ‘those’ parents either.

    But we learnt VERY soon that if we were going to play it that way it would have severe consequences for our daughter and then us too. And it’s just not worth it.

  4. Erin says:

    I never expected to be the “nap monster” that I am now. I am the protector of sleep, and thus the protector of sanity for our family.

  5. admin says:

    @Georgie – Your daughter sounds like our was! We described her as ‘particular’…she never wanted to miss anything (still doesn’t at 7.5 yrs), and seemed to hated sleeping. She wouldn’t sleep anywhere but her crib and then only for 45 minutes at a time (for naps), so I basically stayed home all day when she was a baby. 4 x 45 min naps doesn’t allow for much time out and about!

  6. admin says:

    oops sorry Georgia, for the type on your name 🙂

  7. admin says:

    @Erin – exactly! You do what you have to do to maintain everyone’s sanity. It’s just not worth it to skip a nap and then have the rest of the day (and night) ruined.

  8. Katie says:

    Well said. I still keep telling myself that we’ll be able to be adults again when our 17 month old grows up, but I’m not so sure! I wanted to be a relaxed parent, but I just can’t help worrying about every little thing.

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