Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is an internationally renowned parent educator and best selling author of several books including Raising Your Spirited Child, and Sleepless in America.
I wanted to talk with Mary to find out more about what a 'spirited' temperament looks like in infants, and how parents can best cope with these intensely sensitive little babies.
Many times when a newborn cries a lot, we call them ‘colicky’. When is it too young to suspect the crying may be related to their temperament?
What they’re letting you know is that they’re uncomfortable. People will say that even in utero they began to recognize that their baby was more active, seemed to react more to mom’s stress, or to the foods that she might have eaten. People will say that even at the hospital, the nurses said thinks like, ‘You have to keep this one in your room because she’s waking all the other babies in the nursery’.
Is temperament apparent from the beginning? Yes. The flipside is that people do differentiate colic from temperament. They are not necessarily synonymous.
In your experience, have you found that kids who have ‘spirited’ temperaments started out as colicky babies?
Many did. We don’t know what causes colic. One of the things I’m finding with my spirited babies is that they can be easily disrupted from their sleep, so lack of sleep may be an initial factor too.
In regards to ‘were spirited kids colicky as babies?’. Yes. But there is no direct correlation, at least not in the research.
Spirited babies don’t all scream a lot. What you’ll notice is that these are babies with a very strong startle reflex. You go to lay them down on their back and they wake themselves, because they’re so perceptive of that sense of being laid down. You’ll notice when you’re trying to nurse them that if someone talks to you, or if there’s loud noises, or if somebody walks by, they may stop nursing. You begin to recognize that they’re very perceptive and sensitive to their environment.
This doesn’t mean that they’re unsoothable. It just means that you get a strong, quick reaction many times.
What are the signs of a spirited temperament in an infant?
They like to be held, and they want to have that physical contact. Many of them also like or need to suck, because that’s soothing and calming to their system. If you’re nursing, they’ll stop nursing if someone talks to you, or there’s loud noise.
If this is your first baby, it’s hard to recognize he or she has a spirited temperament, because you have nothing to compare them to. What you might be thinking is, ‘Oh my gosh, I didn’t expect this to be so much work’, or you may doubt that you can even do this. There’s a questioning of yourself…because this baby is more reactive, and is more sensitive to everything in his or her environment.
In ‘Raising your Spirited Child’, you talk about infant tantrums. Are these different than the tantrums you would see in toddlers or older children? What do infant tantrums look like?
An infant tantrum is really a meltdown. In infants, it’s not because they’re not getting what they want. It’s like an infant saying, ‘I’m overwhelmed. I really need something to eat, or suck on, or to be held’. Infants don’t have power struggles.
What are the characteristics of a spirited temperament in a slightly older child? (1-2 years old).
When we talk about ‘spirited’, we’re referring to the intensity, the sensitivity, and the perceptiveness. You’ll see persistence in their state – that means that when they get upset, they stay upset. It does take more effort to calm them. That first reaction to new things is evident in the infant, but is also evident in the toddler.
What may become more clear in toddlerhood is adaptability. But even in the infant, adaptability is about transitioning from one thing to another. One thing you’ll find with the infant is that they’ll have trouble transitioning from one state to another. Like from awake to asleep, or asleep to awake.
With the toddler it’s getting them in and out of the carseat, getting them in and out of the door. That adaptability shows itself more. Energy level is apparent early on. This is the baby that, when I interview the parent, they say their baby crawled across the bed at 6 weeks old. Even in utero, they reported that this baby kicked more.
Do spirited babies tend to react more strongly than other babies to normal reflux?
We know that spirited kids actually have a lower threshold for pain. There have been studies showing that they actually need more pain medication after surgery than a child who has a different temperament.
Our son always seemed the happiest when there was a lot of stimulation around him. In fact, in the quiet of our home, he cried much more than when we were out in very loud, stimulating environments. Do you ever see this trait in spirited babies?
If I were doing a consultation with you, I would ask you, ‘after being in those situations, can he sleep? Can he eat?’. Sometimes it seems like it’s calming to him, but you pay afterwards. If you told me that afterwards you were able to bring him home, he could sleep, he could eat, he’s not fussy and irritable afterwards, then my standard statement is, ‘If it’s working for you, don’t mess with it’.
As spirited kids get older, they’ll crave TV and video. It seems to be very relaxing to them. They’ll sit completely engrossed in a show for 30 minutes or an hour. You’ll think, ‘Finally some peace!’. But then what you’ll recognize is that afterwards you’ll pay dearly. So what appears to be calming to them is actually the eye of the storm.
In those cases, I would try to look for other things that might calm and soothe him. One of the things I talk about in Sleepless in America is the bath. You always read that you should bathe the kids, then they’ll go to sleep. But for my spirited kids, I always ask, ‘Is it a fight getting him in and out of the bath?’, ‘Is it a fight washing his hair?’, ‘does he get really excited?’, and ‘does he like to streak afterwards?’. So with this child, instead of calming, you’re alerting. The bath keeps them busy, but what happens afterwards?
As parents, how are we to cope with our spirited babies?
With spirited infants, the key is that we’re the ones who have to adjust. As kids get older, we gradually begin to work with them…and teach them skills to live within the family more effectively. But in early infancy, we’re slowing down, we’re simplifying our lives, we’re turning off the background tv, we’re getting rid of the battery operated toys (because these are things that overstimulate the baby).
And we are the ones who need to deal with our own expectations of what we thought our child would be like, and what they are like in reality…
This is where labels come in, which is so important. ‘Fussy baby’ is very descriptive of what happens, but I think it’s also important to remember that behind that fussiness is a keen sensitivity, perceptiveness, and a finely tuned arousal system. I call them the kids with a Lamborghini engine inside them. I think it’s very important that we have that vision – this is not a flawed baby. This is a finely tuned human being, just like a finely tuned Lamborghini. It takes a little more skill. They accelerate more quickly. But in the long term, the ride’s a lot more fun.
Parental perception is the most influential factor in the interactions with that baby. It’s more powerful than the child’s temperament. It’s more powerful than how much that child does or does not sleep. How does the parent perceive this? Using those positive words, recognizing that underlying this sensitivity to the environment are traits that we value as adults. This kid has tremendous potential.
This is the way she came. She does have that more reactive system. She is more sensitive and perceptive. As a result of that, we need to be a little more protective of her. Even so, there will be times when she cries, or is upset. Maybe overwhelmed is the better word for her. It’s not because we’re bad parents, or ineffective in setting limits. There is nothing wrong with her, other than right now she’s overwhelmed.
What these babies teach us to do, which is very hard to do in this time and in our culture, is slow down, reduce the stimulation, and be intentionally focused. You don’t multitask, like sitting in front of your computer and check your email when you’re nursing this baby. This baby is going to react to the light, and to your lack of focus. This baby is saying, ‘I need you to focus on me’. Slow down, and discover who has come to live with you.
One of the things you have to be aware of with babies like this is that background noise matters. The TV’s need to go off. Music is fine, but the video with the flickering lights, the changing volume that occurs with video, impacts your toddler's focus and attention because they can’t process that background information and stay focused.
It can be very hard to get used to quiet, and dimming lights, and becoming very cognizant of stimulation levels and our own stress levels. These babies are absolute barometers of our stress levels. Giving ourselves permission to nap when they nap, instead of running around, checking email, and doing housework. Lay down for 20 minutes. Bring yourself back into balance and the baby will come back into balance.
