Some of my worst memories from when my kids were babies are related to sleep.

I’m pretty sure I have a tiny bit of PTSD from listening to them cry in their cribs and having NO CLUE what to do about it.

Now and again I find myself thinking, ‘I should have just relaxed and not made such a big deal out of it‘. But if I let myself remember for a moment what it was like holding and rocking a cranky, overtired, sleep-resisting, squirmy, sweaty baby, I remember why I couldn’t ‘just relax‘.

One memory comes back to me vividly and often: Aliya was about 6 months old, and as usual was resisting her nap. I had sat with her in the rocking chair for probably an hour, and the crying was just intensifying. Her little eyes were red and puffy, and it was obvious she was desperately overtired. But yet she fought.

Finally I put her in her crib, shut the door, and slid down the wall next to her room until I was in a heap on the floor. She was screaming in her bed, and I cried right along with her. After a while of this, our upstairs landlord even called to make sure everything was OK. No, it wasn’t OK at all…I was exhausted, at the end of my rope, and had no idea how to help her sleep.

So, I won’t say I have the answer for how to get your baby to sleep. There is no one answer. And with fussy babies, you all know that what works today often won’t work tomorrow.

That said, there are some basic strategies I believe often help, and can’t hurt to try. At the very least, it will give you something to try if you’re in that place of desperation.

Try an Ultra-Early Bedtime

My daughter sucked at napping until she was about a year old. But one thing she did well right from about 6 weeks on was to sleep well at night (maybe because she was so exhausted from not napping).

We noticed that the evenings were when she was at her fussiest, and really, she was just unmanageable at times. She was so obviously tired, but we were scared to put her down too early for fear she would wake up a couple of hours later, or wake up ultra-early the next morning.

What we found however, was that she usually went to sleep much easier, usually didn’t wake up several hours later, and actually SLEPT IN LATER the next morning. I have heard the same story time and time again from parents.

Marc Weissbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and Your Fussy Baby talks about giving your sleep-resisting baby a chance to catch up on sleep at the beginning of the night, rather than expecting them to sleep in later in the morning (because we know that just doesn’t happen).

Aliya’s standard bedtime was around 6pm AIC (ass-in-crib), or even earlier if she was extra-fussy. When Sammy came along, we used an early bedtime for him as well (not right at the beginning, but once he had a bit more of a routine).

He has always been an early-riser (sometimes 4-5am), so if we didn’t give him an early bedtime, he would have been even more sleep-deprived (Note: Sam is 5 now, and regularly sleeps in until 7-8am. There is hope!).

Shorten the Amount of Awake Time Between Naps

Especially at the beginning, you’d be surprised at how much sleep these little ones actually need to function properly.

Sure, if you have an ‘easy baby’, you can get awake with a few hours of awake time. But with fussy babies, I’d definitely say the shorter, the better.

As newborns, they may only be able to handle 20 minutes of awake, alert time, and then it’s time to soothe them back to sleep (especially if it takes a while to soothe them). As they get a bit bigger, 30-60 minutes, and even as older babies, some kids can only handle 1.5 hours of awake time before going down again.

It’s crazy, but true. At least this is the way it was with mine.

If your baby is resisting naps but is obviously overtired and needs to sleep, try reducing their awake time until you notice they fall asleep a little easier. Now you’re getting closer to figuring out how long they can comfortably be awake.

Cat-Napper? Put Him or Her Down More Often

Although Sammy was the ultimate fusspot, naps were one of his (few) strong suits. I knew that if I wore him in a sling and kept moving, he would usually get the sleep he needed.

Aliya on the other hand, would not sleep in a car, plane, train, carrier, sling, in my bed, or anywhere but her crib. By herself (one of the few exceptions is the picture above).

And during the day, she would nap 45 minutes – never a minute more, never a minute less. And when she would wake up, she was just as fussy as when she went down.

And basically because I couldn’t deal with being with a baby who was grumpy ALL DAY, I would put her down for 4 45-minute naps each nap. Mainly because I needed the break. It was torture having to go through our elaborate soothing routine 4 times a day, but I strongly believed that sleep begets sleep, and if I just gave up and let her stay awake, her sleep would spiral out of control.

I know if you have older kids, it may not be possible for you to do this. But I’d encourage to keep trying to help them get their rest, any way you can.

Which brings us to my last strategy…

Do Whatever it Takes to Help Your Child Sleep

Will your baby sleep beside you? On top of you? Attached to you? Let him.

What about in the car, stroller, or carrier? Do it.

Don’t worry about people criticizing you or saying you’re spoiling him. Fussy babies have trouble self-soothing, yet they need sleep more than other babies. Do whatever you have to do.

There comes a time when they’re a bit older when it’s time to help them learn to self-soothe, fall asleep on their own, etc, etc., but when they’re really little and fussy, you have enough to worry about. Don’t even worry about it until your baby is at least 6-8 months old (this is my personal opinion, I know some would disagree).

We laid down with Sammy until he was about 2.5, but you know what? He slept. We all slept. And then when we stopped being able to sleep, he was old enough that we could gently teach him how to fall asleep on his own.

While I know you can’t ‘just relax’, do try to remember that this stage will pass. It ALWAYS does.

Don’t feel guilty about ‘spoiling them’, teaching bad habits, or doing whatever it is your gut tells you is right. Sometimes these are the only ways to survive this stage of infant-hood.

Are you struggling with sleep issues? Have you tried any of the strategies above? Do they work for you?

Need personalized sleep-strategies for your baby? We recommend Rebecca Michi – She specializes in helping you help your fussy or high-need baby sleep, without crying it out. Contact her today!

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(By the way, to any American readers, I am very jealous that you have Florida. Thank you for sharing it with us. The warmest we’ve got is Victoria, and it rains there all winter.)

We have travelled a fair bit with our kids, and this trip got me thinking about how it might be useful for us to share with other parents what we’ve learned from travelling with our young children.

If you have a colicky baby, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I even consider getting in a car or on a plane to go someplace different? I’m barely keeping it together at home, where everything’s familiar and I have all the equipment.”

Well, you know how they say that sometimes a change is as good as a rest? It couldn’t be more true when it comes to travelling with a high need child, especially since rest is out of the question. And we know from experience. We did it at the height of Chloe’s colic.

So what can you do to make life easier while travelling with a high need child? Well, if your child is colicky (i.e. less than 4 months old), not a darn thing. The kid’s not on a sleep schedule anyway. You weren’t sleeping at home and you probably won’t sleep on your trip either.

But hey, you’ll have lots to do to distract you from your chronic fatigue. It worked for us… and it was surprising how much sleep we were able to get Chloe while walking around a town or through a forest with Chloe snuggled up in a carrier. As for high need kids who are old enough to be on a schedule, here are some tips that might help make your trip as pleasant as possible.

Get a place where you can put the little one in his/her own room if that’s how they sleep at home.

This tip is pretty important. If you’re staying in a motel room with no extra room for a baby, what are you going to do during naps and in the evenings, huddle under a blanket with a flashlight and book?

But don’t worry, you don’t need to get a mansion in order to get baby his own space. Stay at B&Bs where there are common rooms for you to sneak away to with a monitor or make sure there’s a walk-in closet for the baby. We have used walk-in closets on many occasions. One time, we had no choice but to put Chloe in her portable crib in the ensuite bathroom… we didn’t drink much water that night.

Stay in one place

Believe me, as interesting as all of those places sound, this is not the time for a driving tour. All kids (and even adults) need consistency and regularity. But spirited children thrive on it. Remember, these kids are easily overwhelmed. Chloe loves adventures, but she needs a certain amount of predictability in order to cope and to feel secure.

Having a home base for the duration of your trip helps to provide this security. For example, the first couple of nights on this trip she had significant trouble settling at night as she was obviously nervous being in a new place. But after a few nights, she felt more at home and went to bed easily.

Try to stick to sleep schedules

This won’t always be possible, but you’ll have a much better time when you can. This tip applies to some extent to all kids, but with high-needs children, a change in sleep pattern can really throw them off. When there is something special you want to do, go ahead and put the little one down late. Just remember that you might pay for it in the middle of the night or early the next morning.

Also, be careful where you choose to go. If you have lots to do in close proximity to where you are, it will be easy to get out and do something and still make it back in time for naps. Where a longer drive is needed, try to arrange a nap in the car.

We’ve all heard of those people that take their little ones with them everywhere, even to a 9:00 o’clock dinner, with no problem. But we don’t have these kids, and it’s easier simply to acknowledge it. Even if we were to take Chloe now to a late dinner, it would be a miserable experience – she’d crash and burn by 7:30.

A lot of places have secure babysitting networks, and even hotels often offer this service. If you want to go out for dinner, try for an option that lets your child go to bed on time.

See if you can rent baby equipment where you’re going

Many cities have agencies that offer this service. You can get everything you need without worrying about how you’re going to carry it all through the airport. Sometimes renting equipment can be worth every penny.

Set realistic expectations

This isn’t your honeymoon. Don’t plan to see all of the best museums in Paris. Instead, get to know a few playgrounds too. We didn’t get to see everything when we were in Nice for three months last year, but we are confident that we know the area playgrounds better than any other tourists!

And Chloe does like art galleries and museums – but in very small doses. Most cities have free days for museums. Try dropping in on those days.

Be prepared to be surprised

One of the most interesting surprises from our trip to Nice was finding that Chloe has a fascination for churches. I wrote a post about it on my blog. Much to my delight, Chloe asked to stop at every church we passed. We’d go inside, look around, and I’d answer all of her questions. It was an unexpected joy we wouldn’t have known had we not gone away.

Don’t be daunted in the face of a trip. Be prepared and know what to expect from your children before you go. You may be surprised at how well things go.

As I mentioned, we took Chloe on a trip (to B.C.) during her most colicky period. We had a connection in Toronto and almost abandoned the trip there. We’re glad we didn’t. The trip was just what we needed to step back from our misery and see that the world was still turning and that there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that life still goes on after colic.

Travelling can remind you that the world’s still waiting for you and your family when you’re ready.

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

Photo Credit: Michelle Meiklejohn

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Sometimes it is a tiny whisper in the back of your brain that suggests you need to talk to your pediatrician. Sometimes it is a lion’s roar screaming, “This is not right for my baby!”

My Mommy Gut sounded off loudly when my son was an infant because his constant crying communicated to me that something was wrong. And there was.

I just found out last week at his first chiropractor appointment that some vertebrae in his neck were twisted sideways most likely since birth. He’s two now!!!

All the ear infections he had were most likely caused by this. Some of his crying was in response to a literal pain in the neck. I found out I was taking him to the wrong place, but my guts were correct in believing there was more going on with my baby than colic.

Dominic has also been fussy into toddlerhood, which obviously isn’t colic at this point. He has a significant speech delay where he tries to speak but does so with his mouth closed.

He can say eat, Baba (Momma), Da Da, sissy (thirsty), unk (milk), ep (help) and sit.

He tried to speak entire sentences but mostly it comes out in a series of muffled vowels with no approximation involved. We see a speech therapist who thinks his stubbornness and low stress tolerance are impeding his ability to speak.

I agree to a point, but my Mommy Gut was telling me to dig further. Looking up speech delay had me reading articles about dairy and gluten sensitivities. As I read more, I discovered that Dominic’s symptoms fit very well into the category of food sensitivity or allergy, specifically symptoms of a dairy issue.

As I am part of a parenting partnership, I have to run these ideas past my husband who doesn’t always see eye to eye with my theories. Our parental guts aren’t always in sync and that is okay.

After taking my son to the chiropractor and discussing my theory with her, she validated my suspicions and suggested we try eliminating dairy for three weeks. She explained how it can take that long to see a difference.

I am elated to be noting an improvement in his speech over the last week! Could this be coincidental? Yes it could. Only time will tell. I’m hoping to see an improvement in his stress tolerance and irritability too so he can be that happy tot I see bits and pieces of every day.

On the subject of fussy behavior, which we’ve been dealing with to a greater or lesser degree for Dominic’s two years of existence, it seems everyone has an opinion on how to handle it. Most of the time, to my shock, people have suggested that my child is manipulating me purposely and that I should, as his mother, practice some ignoring.

My Mommy Gut has always had, and will always have, a huge issue with that. The core of my being, every cell of my body, every belief I have tells me to be here for my child even if he’s flailing around on the floor in fury and won’t stop crying for a half hour straight.

I have tried popular theories like ignoring his tantrums. I have news – My kid has little legs that run right after me if I walk away from him. And he gets even more upset! He will escalate without help. I know this about him. That method might, and probably does work with some toddlers, but not mine.

I believe without question that Dominic has feelings behind his actions that need attention. I don’t give the behavior attention. I focus on his feelings. This is how I will always parent and I think it will be an asset to him as he gets older because he will always know he has someone in his corner.

Not every child grows up feeling like that and trust in others can’t be replaced easily once it is lost.

I will never regret holding my baby too often. That is not going to damage him. That is what my gut tells me and I trust that more than anyone else’s opinion because I have a connection with my child that no one else will ever have. I carried him inside of me, which gives me the right to trust my insides when his needs are concerned.

We all have that innate knowledge- our Parental Gut. I write this to inspire you to trust what you know in your heart is right, and to distrust others advice if you feel it to be wrong for your little one.

Children are not “one-size-fits-all.” I think a holistic approach is the best way to investigate any issue a child is having. Nutrition, nurturing and naps….That’s how I roll with my little guy.

Some days are easier than others, but I will continue to practice what I believe and to trust my gut unless I have a damn good reason not to.

Amanda is the owner of Ready or Not – A Baby Planning Service. She is in love with her toddler and her husband and derives much of her writing inspiration from her family experiences. To learn more about Amanda and what she does to help pregnant and new parents, please check out her website at www.readyornotbabyplanning.com.

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Parenting is hard. Being a mom or a dad, is hard.

Pulling that battery out of your 8 month old’s mouth? Easy choice.

How to handle epic tantrums? Not so easy.

The thing about parenting is that most decisions we make are fraught with indecision, weighing pros and cons and, ultimately, uncertainty about whether or not we are doing the right thing.

When my daughter cried non-stop, I wasn’t sure if I was making a bad decision opting to co-sleep. When I was concerned that maybe my milk was low in supply or had something in it that was upsetting her, I wrestled with whether or not I should wean. And when I chose to give my daughter formula, I struggled with whether or not I made the right choice.

What I didn’t understand then, is that the choice I end up making, the one I’ve come to terms with, IS the right choice.

It doesn’t need to be the right choice for someone who chooses differently, but that doesn’t make it the wrong choice for me.

I try to be laid back about other people’s choices. I am a very ‘live and let live’ kind of person. If you enjoy sharing your bed with your husband, two young kids, a dog and a cat, more power to you. It’s not wrong if it is okay with you.

All I ask in return is that I’m not made to feel like I’m doing something bad by my children by insisting they sleep in their cribs.

I have yet to meet a parent who makes a choice that I wouldn’t personally make, where they said ‘I don’t’ really care if this seriously screws up my child for life.’

I’m pretty certain that most parents who opt for breast feeding until their children are 2.5 or older, or parents who confidently give a bottle from day one, both love their children equally and are doing what they feel is right and best.

Neither are weird, neither are neglectful and neither should judge the other for their choice.

And yet, as often happens, both moms will get judged, sometimes by each other, and often by onlookers. It happens all too often. I’ve witnessed it many many times. You can’t win. You can’t please everyone.

Co-sleep, you’re indulgent. Insist on the crib from day one, you’re not respecting your child’s need to be close to mommy and daddy. Let your child cry it out, you’re neglectful. Refuse to let your child cry it out, your masochistic. Breastfeed, you’re glued to your baby. Bottle feed, you’re feeding your baby poison (yes, I’ve actually been told this before).

The list, sadly, goes on and on. The number of ways we can ignore or indulge our children’s needs never ends.

So how on earth are we expected to know what the right answer is?

Dr. Spock has it right. He may have written in a very different generation, a very different reality, but his insight is timeless. Because it is true, every parent is different and every child is different, and every circumstance is different.

A mother isn’t better off breast feeding if she resents it.

A parent isn’t better off at home full-time with their child if they don’t enjoy it and prefer being out in the paid work force.

Leaving your child to cry isn’t best if it’s impossible for you to stomach.

No choice is the right choice if it feels wrong. So I chose to make my decisions based on what is right for me.

When I broke out my bottle while my girlfriends broke out their breastfeeding pillows, I stopped feeling guilty and realized we were all feeding our children. And I stopped caring that I was doing it differently.

I’m sure I’ll mess things up along the way. I know I’m not a perfect parent. But I also know that there is no such thing. Every parent makes decisions for themselves and their children that they feel are best for them. We all love our children and want to do what’s right.

My choice might not be yours. And I might even find your choice weird. But as long as you think it’s right, who cares what I think? I might not always be 100% confident in the choices I make, but I am 100% confident that I am making my choices with the best of intentions.

Once I realized there is no such thing as a perfect parent, I released some of the pressure to keep trying to be one.

I don’t have to be perfect.

I just have to be good enough.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.

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I’d like to say I’m the boss. I’d like to say that after almost three years, I am finally getting the hang of this whole parenting thing.

Truth is, every day is a new challenge. And every day I find myself trying to decide if I should laugh or cry.

I have children who are full of spirit. They laugh and cry with more emotion than most other kids I’ve met. That results in the highs being really high, but the lows being really low.

Yesterday, for example, my older child, my wonderful daughter, was being incredibly disobedient. She was disobient to the point where I wanted to cry from frustration. She wouldn’t listen. She wouldn’t co-operate. Threats and punishment meant nothing to her.

So, while we drove home from the library where she had just made a scene, I said, full of anger, ‘Mommy is very dissapointed in you! You would not listen to me and you would not behave!’

In response, in her sweet 3 year old voice, she said “I’m sorry mommy.”

What am I supposed to do with that? Be okay with the craziness that happened just minutes before? Forgive all? Move on? Or, should I remain angry?

Regardless of whatever my head was saying I should feel, my heart melted. And as my heart melted, I got even more frustrated.

How can someone I love so much make me so frustrated?

I survived colic!  So shouldn’t this be easy? I should have the patience of a saint, but I don’t.

What I do have now are those sweet moments to temper the frustrating ones.  Which I’m grateful for. Which I rely on. The thing about parenting a spirited kid, or any child for that matter, is that they have a full hold on your emotions.

A great day can be ruined by your tantruming kid. But, at the same time, a horrible day can be saved by your child’s hug.

At the end of each day, I go to sleep knowing I’m a parent. Whether it was disciplining or playing, reprimanding or hugging, being frustrated or having my heart melt, I was a parent.

And, because I’m a parent, I fall prey to all of the associated frustrations and the trying times. But, because I’m a parent, I’m also privy to all of the rewards, the joys, the smiles, the hugs and the love.

That’s why my heart melts through the frustrations.

Because I’m ‘Mommy’.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.

Photo Credit: Simmbarb

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My husband and I dragged our screaming infant to the pediatrician about once a week for a while…pleading for her to do something to help him. Was she sure babies couldn’t have opiates? Absolutely sure?

I never thought I’d feel angry at my baby but to my horror, I did.

I was alone with him a lot and when he would go on one of his jags, it felt like he was yelling at me specifically. With every “WAAAAAAAAH,” I heard “You are missing what is wrong with me. You aren’t helping me. I don’t feel safe. What you are doing isn’t enough! You are a bad mother.”

It was not Dominic’s fault at all and rationally I knew that. I felt such grief for him…that I couldn’t figure out his baby code…that he had to suffer instead.

There was also exhaustion, anger, fear and confusion. I had an overwhelming amount of murky emotions to trudge through each day in my role as Dominic’s mommy and I never knew when my anger switch would flip.

It seemed that when my frustration, fear or hurt got too intense, it would turn to fury instead, as if that were more appropriate – to be angry at my own helpless child. As you may also have experienced, feeling resentment toward Dominic led to an excruciating form of mommy guilt.

Mommy guilt sucks. It fed into the whole cycle.

You would think I would have gone to a counselor with all this darkness inside me, but I didn’t. I barely mentioned it. It was so wrong, I told myself, to feel anything negative toward this innocent baby. But yet I did.

I thought of hurting him sometimes. I would be holding him and feel my whole body tense up with frustration from his cries. And I would think of throwing him. Obviously I didn’t.

I loved my son more than anything, screaming or not. I still do. My emotional response to his crying was a warning sign that I needed more help than I was getting.

What kept me from getting that help was shame.

I was ashamed of how I felt. I thought maybe someone would decide I wasn’t a fit mother or at least not a good mother. I wondered about this myself. Was I a good mother when I was capable of feeling so angry with my newborn?

Looking back on those first few months, I can say, Yes, I was a good mother. I did the best I could. I didn’t harm my son. I researched on the internet everyday and tried all sorts of techniques, swaddling products and food sources.

I slowly, but surely, began to talk to other parents about how I felt, which was validating. I found out that others before me had thought about harming their baby during a crying spree. It is actually during crying spells that most babies are shaken or harmed by frantic parents pushed passed their limits.

Some things that really helped me to get through this “blue period” of parenthood were:

• Doing research on crying, causes, and calming methods.
• Getting empathy and camaraderie from other parents of fussy babies via The Fussy Baby Site.
• Purchasing The Happiest Baby on the Block program and using the 5 S’s (Praise God! Something that actually worked!)
• Talking with my husband about it. We found that we were both feeling angry with him and were able to help each other when one was sounding a little overwhelmed.
• Focusing on the positives of Dominic’s sensitivity. He has an innate sweetness and tenderness to his character and he just draws people to him when he is happy. He has a beautiful soul and  has a lot of passion.
• Getting out of the house with him. It usually distracted him from crying and often he’d fall asleep in the car. Amen to that.
• Singing to him. He would almost always love that- and I will say this confuses me because I am no Janet Jackson. Not even Janis Joplin. I would sing and he would smile at me with such a tenderness like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. And that would make me smile. It calmed both of us.
• Date night. We had a baby sitter come almost every weekend to spring us so we could go out to a movie/ dinner. It was something we longingly looked ahead to when in the midst of a difficult week. I would highly suggest this to any families who aren’t currently getting out as a couple. Our fussy baby inadvertently fried our nerves like it was his job which often ended up turning us on each other. When we were out together minus the mini, there was time to reconnect and HAVE FUN. It was like vacation.

My intention in this post is to let you know that you are not a bad parent if you are feeling angry with your little one.

It is normal to wish you could trade your baby in for the silent model or to feel resentful at your spouse for leaving you along with him again. It is common to become furious at your baby when the crying won’t stop. You aren’t alone.

And you shouldn’t keep yourself isolated. Keeping all those volatile thoughts inside is the worst thing we can do as parents of challenging babies. It does nothing for the bonding process or the parents/baby as individuals. No one is getting what they need with all that resentment in the way.

Talk to someone about how you are feeling. See a therapist or find a good friend who won’t judge you. I was so surprised how UN-shocked people were when I would tell them how I was REALLY feeling!

A very good mom I know once told me she once fantasized about throwing her colicky son out of his nursery window one sleepless night.

I was so empathetic to that and we actually laughed a little. Thoughts are just that. Thoughts. What counts is that they don’t turn into actions.

Amanda is the owner of Ready or Not – A Baby Planning Service. She is in love with her toddler and her husband and derives much of her writing inspiration from her family experiences. To learn more about Amanda and what she does to help pregnant and new parents, please check out her website at www.readyornotbabyplanning.com.

Photo Credit:  m_bartosch

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For Chloe, the world has no off switch and no tuner.

In my last post I talked about perceptiveness. It’s one of the most impressive traits of a spirited child. They don’t miss anything, and it can be a wonder to watch.

But the flip side of seeing everything is being overwhelmed by it all, and a number of doctors / researchers have commented on this trait (see, for example, The Happiest Baby on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp).

They believe that colic is caused primarily by a child’s inability to tune out the world around them. Baby takes in everything, makes connections all over the place, and before you know it, overheats, looses it, and screams bloody murder.

Their ability to observe and to perceive at that age is impressive, but their ability to have a complete meltdown and throw a whole home in crisis… well, that’s impressive too.

Chloe’s always going to be easily overwhelmed. It’s in her nature. The good news is that she’ll learn to cope. And we are two very proud parents when we see daily how Chloe has adapted to her environment already. Here are just a couple of examples:

First time skating – Since last winter Chloe has wanted to learn to play hockey. She’s been obsessed with it ever since she saw kids at the park passing the puck (it had nothing to do with me – I don’t even watch hockey).

Well, we told Chloe that in order to play hockey she’d have to learn to skate. This was fine with her until she discovered that parents weren’t allowed on the ice during lessons. Chloe had always refused to be left at activities by herself.

But for skating, she was willing to give it a try. This lasted until her first fall, after which she begged to go.

Daddy: “Chloe, you can do this. You want to do this. You want to play hockey.”

Chloe: “I can’t Daddy. I fall down. I’m no good at skating. I want to go home.”

(By the way, fear of failure and a drive for perfection are common traits for spirited children).

Daddy: “Chloe, falling is normal. You won’t hurt yourself. I promise.” (I know, big gamble). “Just go out there and know you’re going to fall. And each time you fall, just laugh and get back up. You can do this Chloe. I know you can.”

Chloe: “O.K.”

Well, Julie and I had the best time watching Chloe the rest of the lesson. Every time she fell, she’d start laughing her head off – and it was the fakest laugh in the world (picture Chandler smiling). The instructors must have thought she was nuts. But it worked. She found a way to deal with her intense emotions.

Skating on a big rink full of lots of new people was a huge step forward for her.

Christmas 2011 – Our Christmases are not quiet events (whose are) and it’s a lot for Chloe to take. She finds the noise alone unbearable. She can’t seem to tune it out.

So before long, with a house full of people, Chloe was asking us to go home.

“Mummy,” she’d say, “it’s too loud. Can we go home to our house?”

At these moments Julie would take Chloe to another room so she could calm down and regain her composure. It’s not that she wasn’t having fun. It was actually too much fun.

She couldn’t decompress with so many people around. She needed an escape.

Julie told her, “Chloe it’s fun to be with other people, but there are a lot of people and it’s o.k. if you find it too much sometimes. When you find it too much, just go to a quiet place for a little while.”

Well, before long one of us would ask, “Where’s Chloe?” only to find that Chloe had taken a break in a room by herself. She had learned that this was a good coping skill and she used it whenever she felt like she’d had enough.

Talk about mature! How many three year olds know how to find tranquility when they’re overwhelmed?

Of course these are just a couple of many hundreds of examples – some big, some too small to describe, of Chloe learning to cope with the situations in which she finds herself.

She’s passionate, social, creative… I could go on. But she’s also quite introverted. She needs to be able to sooth herself when she’s over-stimulated, and sometimes we still need to help sooth her, just as we did when she was a colicky baby and during her difficult toddler moments.

But more and more, she’s handling it herself. As a result, the meltdowns are fewer and far between, and most of the time we have Chloe at her best, which is a special experience.

If you have a colicky baby and you haven’t checked out Karp’s book, I highly recommend it. The 5 S’s may just have saved our sanity.

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

Photo Credits: David Castillo Dominici

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Kayah was born in May, 2008, in all of her red-headed screaming glory. We felt blessed – The first days appeared to bring us enough joy that neither of us could sleep. Or, so we thought.

She was a cluster-feeding fussy little one, her poops were green, she was gassy…we had kind of figured out ways to justify what was happening.

My nipples were quite raw from the cluster-feeding and we were reasoning that maybe she needed to feed longer on each side, maybe it was what I was eating, and that maybe we just weren’t going to sleep for some time.

It seemed like all we were doing was rocking, bouncing, driving, swinging, and basically keeping our child in motion. For weeks. Everyone was asking us if she was “a good baby“, if she “slept through the night”- All of the cliche questions that a parent gets in the first few weeks.

I’m sure the dark circles under our eyes told a million stories.

We probably wore a path between the living room and the bedroom doing the circuit every day, several times per day. It was nice to know that I had an entire year off of work – But I’m pretty sure I would have taken the job over the baby at any point over that year.

We. were. tired.

We were grumpy.

We wanted answers.

Well, I wanted answers. I am part of the revolution of mommy-researchers. The army of women turning to the internet – chat rooms, forums, websites, products, and basically anything that claimed some sort of answer and one-size-fits all solution for our screaming bundle.

Labels made it easy to explain what was happening. Being fussy was one thing – but when people would ask if it was colic it definitely worked to just answer “yes”.

All of our appointments with health care professionals gained us the same answer -

“Mrs. P, you have a happy, healthy baby girl. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!“.

She was growing. The green poops eventually worked themselves out, the gas was worked out with leg pumps, bum taps, and bouncing. Our baby was growing, thriving in fact. She rolled over with gusto at 8 weeks, she crawled very quickly as well. We were dealing with a climbing and almost walking baby at 7 months.

The needs for attachment and the “fussy” child really didn’t ever leave. I started to turn my thoughts from digestion to high-needs. Our baby had quite a bit of attachment anxiety. We couldn’t leave her for very long through that phase, strangers would trigger some pretty rank crying episodes.

We learned to just keep on truckin’ when the episodes hit at the grocery store, while driving, and at family events.

Kayah is just Kayah. We still have troubles with sleep and with fussiness times. She was happily breastfed until she was three years old.

Her little brother Jonas arrived in June 2011 and is taking us on a new journey of fuss (although, I will say with baited breath that we only have yet to experience day time fuss and a few hours of sleep in the night).

Having a high need preschooler and a fussy baby, however, is a whole other experience. I’ve learned to safely bring my screaming baby into the bathroom while bathing Kayah and I.

I’ve had to purchase quick snack foods for myself and for Kayah so that we both get to eat. We lovingly babywear Jonas as well as Kayah as needed. Just a few weeks ago we moved Kayah to her own bed, which isn’t going well but since adding a king size bed it makes the bed sharing less painful usually (when it’s needed – because, lets face it… parents of high need children deserve to sleep in style after losing two years of meaningful sleep).

We have survived – I will attribute it to a few nights away donated by grandparents (which is how Jonas arrived, ha ha), making it a priority to have our own projects away from children, some wonderful friends, and the support when we needed it.

Many people had the “solution”, and in the end we had to ride it out with much frustration. There was no miracle product, although being able to wear our children with our mei tie and ring sling made it possible to get out.

Breastfeeding did help, and being able to feed and soothe the baby while we were out of the house was helpful. We are learning now that playgrounds are our friend. I can wear Jonas and let Kayah go – we pack good snacks and plenty of water and we’re able to spend a few hours out of the house. I’m nursing the baby anyway, why not do it somewhere outside, enjoy the weather, and commiserate with other mommies?

I also created a local network of moms who were learning to wear their babies, and in that process met and have been mentoring and supporting others with fussy babies and with healthy and happy babies. We are currently trying to use probiotics to see if it helps Jonas with his tummy troubles (so far we’ve had two excellent days in a row!).

I keep my friends who are in the birth industry close by, as well – it is handy to have lactation experts close by.

They aren’t the best children, but they are my children.

They are beautiful in their own ways.

And, the marriage thing… going strong! I keep wondering how it works, but I think we’re both invested in the kids and we keep each other in check.

Rhonda Young-Pilon, RN, BScN
Momma to Tai Lin and Kaya Lily
Wife to Jeremy

Photo Credits: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot | Stuart Miles

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Through my learning process, I’ve learned that I made some mistakes. I made them because I didn’t know. That’s what happens when we are parents:

We do the best we can based on what we know.

I encourage you to try not to fault yourselves or feel guilty if you’ve made mistakes too. I call my son the experiment baby.

I am very committed to building on my knowledge of health and safety in my home, foods and products every day. I drive my husband nuts as a matter of fact.

But this is the fact: Babies are born with upwards of 200 chemicals in their cord blood. This is mainly due to what we are exposed to before and during our pregnancies.

One thing I really regret giving up on was breastfeeding. I did it for six weeks and wasn’t given the necessary support to keep trying. Instead it was suggested that he go on Nutramagen. Now that I am out of the rabbit hole so to speak, I can see things for what they are. The best way to nurse a fussy baby is by not giving up.

That being said I do recognize…trust me, I do…that it is very hard not to give up when your baby is screaming way more than smiling.

So I am writing this to you as your personal cheerleader and to let you know that there is more to consider when feeding a fussy baby.

If you are breastfeeding, it is best to live like you are pregnant. Taking care of your body will most often result in proper nourishment for your babe.

As parents of high need children our doctors oftentimes come to the conclusion that our babies are sensitive to our milk. Many times this is true but not for the reasons we may think. It is usually because of what we are consuming rather than because our bodies aren’t able to make milk properly.

They may tell us to remove dairy from our diets, etc, but a lot of us, myself included, end up switching to a hypoallergenic formula with easily digestible proteins.

As nursing mothers, If we notice our babies are struggling, maybe it is dairy. Or maybe there is something else we could be eliminating from our diet. There are still a lot of food sensitivities to consider.

But what about the genetically modified organisms, pesticides and other impurities most of us eat on a daily basis? The best thing we can do for baby while pregnant AND breastfeeding is to eat whole foods that are as organic or locally grown. It makes sense but few of us are being educated on the dangers found in your local grocery store. I think that needs to change. So do many others.

If you take a peek at the Environmental Working Group’s Dirty Dozen list provided here, you can get an idea of what produce should absolutely be organic like apples, strawberries, spinach, celery, blueberries and grapes.

If possible, some things breastfeeding mommies should consider avoiding are:

• Canned foods
• Mercury-rich fish like salmon
• Non-organic commercial dairy and meat
• Produce on the Dirty Dozen List
• Extremely processed foods
• Aspartame
• Splenda

You can also think of these suggestions as a good model for what to feed your infant once you begin feeding solids.

Getting in a variety of nutrients is very easy on a whole foods diet when you consider how many whole foods are ready to eat as is:

• Nuts
• Seeds
• Produce
• Green smoothies (a sure-fire way to get your vitamins and antioxidants in making both of your immune systems unstoppable. I personally love them despite their sinister green appearance.)

While making these changes will likely not ‘cure’ your fussy baby,  at the very least, your bodies will both be less burdened by pesticides and food additives. Because we feel such a lack of control in regards to our babies’ reactions and mood, it is important to focus on things we can do.

I look forward to helping you further on this journey by sharing my experiences with my little screamaholic as well as things you might try to calm yours.

Keeping baby safe from physical stressors like chemicals is a step toward a calmer and happier baby….naturally.

“Action is the best antidote to despair.” ~ Joan Baez

For more information on what I’ve shared with you in this article please see these resources.

http://www.westonaprice.org/childrens-health/recipes-for-homemade-baby-formula

http://www.ewg.org/foodnews/summary/

http://www.epa.gov/pesticides/factsheets/kidpesticide.htm

http://www.nap.edu/openbook.php?record_id=2126&page=323

http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/marapr2007p37.shtml

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1519860/pdf/envhper00375-0020.pdf

http://www.healthychild.org

http://www.afhh.org/chil_ar/chil_ar_why_children.htm

http://www.neha.org/position_papers/PositionChildren.html

Amanda is the owner of Ready or Not – A Baby Planning Service. She is in love with her toddler and her husband and derives much of her writing inspiration from her family experiences.  Being a mother of a formerly fussy baby, Amanda is very excited to share her story and contribute the Fussy Baby Site’s blog. To learn more about Amanda and what she does to help pregnant and new parents, please check out her website at www.readyornotbabyplanning.com.

Photo Credit: Gammeana

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Forgive me for saying, but I liken a spirited child to a smart dog.

Yes that Border Colly will delight you alright with his amazing intelligence, but unlike the dummer breeds, he’s going to drive you absolutely mad with his intense energy and need for stimulation.

I know, because we have a Portuguese Water Dog. We should have bought a Bulldog.

But I digress.

One of the amazing personality traights of a formerly fussy baby (i.e. spirited child) is their acute awareness and perceptiveness. At three, Chloe is so perceptive that we have to be very careful what we say around her. She knows when what we say doesn’t jive with what she knows, so we can’t lie to her.

She’s acutely aware of when anyone says anything critical about her. And she understands what seem to us to be relatively complex concepts – like life and death.

One day, for example, I decided that it would be a good idea to be honest with her about where some of her relatives have gone. She asked, so I said:

“They died honey. We all live and we all die at some point. We don’t live forever.”

She broke down in tears and said,

“But that means I’m going to die too. I don’t want to die.”

In one move I had just gotten my 3 year old child thinking about her own mortality. Way to cut short her innocence Dad! I had no idea she would make the connection to her own life that easily. Kids aren’t supposed to be concerned about dying, right?

But connections are what perceptive children are all about. It’s not the noticing that matters – although that helps. It’s making the connections to everything else they know that makes them perceptive. Which leads me to yesterday.

Chloe was at her skating lessons with Mommy and, it being close to Christmas, Santa made a surprise appearance. Except, this wasn’t the Santa she was used to seeing. He had, as Chloe put it “dark cheeks.”

“Mommy,” she said, “Why does Santa have dark cheeks?”

She was the only one staring at Santa, giving him an uncomfortable look. The other children didn’t seem to pay any attention.

Julie, caught off guard and not knowing what to say, just said she wasn’t sure and quickly distracted her.

I didn’t know any of this little story when I put Chloe to bed that night. I asked her about her skating lessons, and she told me that Santa had come to visit, but that he had had dark cheeks.

“Really?” I said. “Well that’s nice.”

“But Daddy,” Chloe said, “it couldn’t have been Santa if he had dark cheeks. I’ve already met Santa and he didn’t have dark cheeks….”

Then there was a pause (where I didn’t have a clue what to say) and Chloe went on,

“There must be more than one Santa. There must be lots of Santas.”

My cue: “Chloe, I think it’s just that sometimes Santa has helpers because he can’t do it all by himself. This must have been one of his helpers.”

“Oh,” said Chloe, looking only semi convinced.

Meanwhile I’m thinking, great, I just made Santa’s helper the visible minority – how white of me!

Julie and I have resigned ourselves to accepting that when it comes to Santa and Christmas, Chloe’s not going to be one of those kids who still believes at 10 years old. I think we’ll be lucky if she makes it to 5. She’s just too quick at adding 2 and 2 together. She likes to know how everything fits so her world makes sense.

And as colour blind as we all pretend to be, let’s face it, we’d know if our biggest hero just up and changed colour one day.

Merry Christmas everyone!

If you have your own stories about your child’s spirited personality I’d love to hear them, and so would others on the blog, I’m sure. As parents of fussy babies, we could all use to hear a few anecdotes from time to time.

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

Photo Credits: Luigi Diamante | Ashley Cox

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