Feelings of guilt

[Hollyadmin]

I have so many questions I want to ask all of you, but I am holding myself back and trying to ration myself to a couple a day   

The question I really want to know today is this: Have any of you experienced feelings of guilt over having a colicky/high need baby?  If so, what in particular made you feel guilty?  I have heard from SO SO many parents who are absolutely overwhelmed with guilt over a number of different things: Not being able to calm their baby, not feeling like they loved their baby, over feeling anger (and even rage) at their baby, etc.

For me, it was guilt over not giving my older daughter enough attention. I'm not normally the kind of person that feels really guilty about stuff, but I think the sleep deprivation, constant crying, and hormones just really got to me. I carried this constant, overwhelming sense of guilt...my daughter was 2.5 when Sammy was born, and I felt so incredibly guilty that what should have been a special, fun time for her was clouded by all the crying. I also felt guilty that I wasn't able to give her more love and attention; we were just so focused on Sammy (the squeaky wheel). Of course, she's just fine now, and loves her little brother more than I thought possible. When he cries, she's the first one next to him, stroking his hair and hugging him.

I can remember feeling so much guilt at times that I was physically incapable of standing. I didn't know guilt could feel so....physical.

Maybe I'm weird, I don't know. I'm curious if anyone else has felt guilty...

[sunshinebaby]

Yes.  Lots of guilt, over many things.  The most recent is over my lack of desire (i.e. terror) over having any more children. I always wanted children, certainly not just one, if anything I figured my husband would have to beg me to stop.  I feel guilty that so many people around me have these wonderful memories with their babies and the development of their children as they grow and want more kids so badly.  I just don't think I could do it again, what are the chances I'd have another like her?  I'm afraid that I'd resent her if another child was easier going.  She is still SO dependent on me and demanding of my time and energy that I just can't imagine pregnancy and taking care of a newborn. 

[Hollyadmin]

Ah, I had forgotten about the guilt over not having those nice, warm memories with my son!  I have always been *so* happy to get to the next stage with Sammy, as each one seems to get easier. I have found myself lately wishing we could freeze time right now...that's a sign that things will get easier for you!

I can totally understand your hesitation to have more kids. I can only imagine having to deal with a high need toddler/preschooler and be pregnant at the same time, especially if you have any morning sickness. Chances are pretty good your next baby would be easier...it couldn't get much harder, right??  I wonder if having a baby around might even be a good distraction/entertainment for her?

[sunshinebaby]

Ah, I had forgotten about the guilt over not having those nice, warm memories with my son!  I have always been *so* happy to get to the next stage with Sammy, as each one seems to get easier. I have found myself lately wishing we could freeze time right now...that's a sign that things will get easier for you!

I can totally understand your hesitation to have more kids. I can only imagine having to deal with a high need toddler/preschooler and be pregnant at the same time, especially if you have any morning sickness. Chances are pretty good your next baby would be easier...it couldn't get much harder, right??  I wonder if having a baby around might even be a good distraction/entertainment for her?

My mom told me early on to cherish each stage and not to always be wishing for the next stage.  It is hard to do, but it really does help.  I do figure that the next baby can't be any harder, lol, it has got to be better, right?  My sil has a 4 month old and my daughter is totally fascinated by him (as long as it is not ME who is holding him) and sometimes I think the distraction would be good...I just haven't gotten brave enough to try yet.  I was really sick when I was pg too, I barely got out of bed the first 4 months.  There are so many things...

[andreea]

This is exactly what I feel right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and a baby girl which is 11 weeks old. She is crying so much that I can barely make it to the bathroom during the day. I feel so guilty that I can not play with my son and give him the attention he needs, that I constantly cry just thinking about it. But what make me stronger is that I have to take care of both of them, she needs me as much as he needs me too,actualy now even more. I feel powerless and I don't know how to make the day better, but I still find power to wipe my tears and dress them up and go outside,even though I still can not give him much attention because I have to push the stroler so she won't start crying again. I wish I had 4 hands and 4 legs that's it!

[Hollyadmin]

This is exactly what I feel right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and a baby girl which is 11 weeks old. She is crying so much that I can barely make it to the bathroom during the day. I feel so guilty that I can not play with my son and give him the attention he needs, that I constantly cry just thinking about it. But what make me stronger is that I have to take care of both of them, she needs me as much as he needs me too,actualy now even more. I feel powerless and I don't know how to make the day better, but I still find power to wipe my tears and dress them up and go outside,even though I still can not give him much attention because I have to push the stroler so she won't start crying again. I wish I had 4 hands and 4 legs that's it!

Andrea, I feel so sad for where you're at right now!  It sounds though like you are a really strong person...your kids are lucky to have you.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but I found something that was good for my daughter and eased my guilt somewhat was to set aside some special time for her. Even now, she sometimes feels like she gets the 'short end of the stick', because she is more easy going than Sammy, so gets less attention. She used to act out when Sammy was acting out, b/c she figured negative attention was better than no attention!  Once we figured that out, we told her to instead come tell us she needed attention. So now when she feels left out, she'll actually come and say 'I need attention too Mommy'.

How old is your son?

[civano]

Andrea, I feel for you two. I have fussy baby number 2 (who will be 18 weeks Tuesday) will usually scream unless being held. Even will held he is often being fussy just not as loud. DS1 (who can be high needs) will often act out and/or feel left out because the baby gets so much attention. I hope I can channel his energy in a less destructive and/or acting out way...it's been such a challenge.

As for guilt...I feel a lot but I think for me I feel guilt over the many negative feelings I have. I feel guilt for feeling so angry at the baby when he's being fussy. I feel guilt for feeling disappointed that I have another fussy baby and that DS2 seems more difficult than DS1. I feel guilt for feeling as tender as I would like because of the constant screaming and/or crying. I feel guilt for not wanting to take or do things with my children often in public because they just seem to fuss more when out and about. I feel guilt for not giving DS1 as much positive attention as I should because I feel overwhelmed and/or just spent from DS2. I feel guilt for not being as available to my family of origin (while my Dad is going through ongoing medical issues that had him in the hospital for a month). I feel guilty for being jealous of all the people with easier going babies that I see when I go out. I feel guilty for being cranky and full of anger and resentment when I feel those feelings. I feel guilty for wanting the early time in my children's lives to be past so that I can get past this difficult time period. I have never been as angry, grumpy, cranky myself as I have since having children who are colicky/high needs.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children dearly and I know there are many positives. But with the colic, reflux, fussiness and high needs comes so many negative feelings of my own that sometimes it's hard to see the positive while going through it.

I am sure I feel guilt for other things...but that's what comes to mind right now but that's a lot of guilt and it saddens me just to type it. 

[Hollyadmin]

Andrea, I feel for you two. I have fussy baby number 2 (who will be 18 weeks Tuesday) will usually scream unless being held. Even will held he is often being fussy just not as loud. DS1 (who can be high needs) will often act out and/or feel left out because the baby gets so much attention. I hope I can channel his energy in a less destructive and/or acting out way...it's been such a challenge.

As for guilt...I feel a lot but I think for me I feel guilt over the many negative feelings I have. I feel guilt for feeling so angry at the baby when he's being fussy. I feel guilt for feeling disappointed that I have another fussy baby and that DS2 seems more difficult than DS1. I feel guilt for feeling as tender as I would like because of the constant screaming and/or crying. I feel guilt for not wanting to take or do things with my children often in public because they just seem to fuss more when out and about. I feel guilt for not giving DS1 as much positive attention as I should because I feel overwhelmed and/or just spent from DS2. I feel guilt for not being as available to my family of origin (while my Dad is going through ongoing medical issues that had him in the hospital for a month). I feel guilty for being jealous of all the people with easier going babies that I see when I go out. I feel guilty for being cranky and full of anger and resentment when I feel those feelings. I feel guilty for wanting the early time in my children's lives to be past so that I can get past this difficult time period. I have never been as angry, grumpy, cranky myself as I have since having children who are colicky/high needs.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children dearly and I know there are many positives. But with the colic, reflux, fussiness and high needs comes so many negative feelings of my own that sometimes it's hard to see the positive while going through it.

I am sure I feel guilt for other things...but that's what comes to mind right now but that's a lot of guilt and it saddens me just to type it. 

Kim, I think it's good for your verbalize all the things you feel guilty for...if nothing else, to get it out of your head for a few minutes. I so feel for you. I know it feels horrible right now, but believe me when I say your kids won't remember any of this, and the most important thing is just to get through this time in one piece. Your lot right now is much different than someone with an 'easy' baby...try not to compare yourself to them. You have a very full plate, so please be gentle with yourself.

[sheeshoo2]

I was just talking to my mom about this exact subject yesterday.  I feel guilty for comparing Cole to all of the other kids his age, both the ones I know and the ones I simply pass by in the mall or at the grocery.  I feel guilty for literally wishing away all of the time I had with him early on, in his first six months of life.  I feel guilty that I literally have zero happy memories of him as a newborn.  I feel guilty that I am jealous of all of my friends who keep having these seemingly perfect babies.  I feel guilty that sometimes all I can think about is having another child so that I can prove to myself and everyone around me that I am capable of carrying, giving birth to, and raising a "normal" child.  I feel guilty that I complain 24/7 about Cole's temperament, especially when I know it is a blessing to have a healthy child, much less a child, when many do not.  I feel guilty that I spend so much time angry at him for things that I know he can not control or fix at this point.  I could go on and on...it makes me incredibly sad to think about all of it. 

[andreea]

This is exactly what I feel right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and a baby girl which is 11 weeks old. She is crying so much that I can barely make it to the bathroom during the day. I feel so guilty that I can not play with my son and give him the attention he needs, that I constantly cry just thinking about it. But what make me stronger is that I have to take care of both of them, she needs me as much as he needs me too,actualy now even more. I feel powerless and I don't know how to make the day better, but I still find power to wipe my tears and dress them up and go outside,even though I still can not give him much attention because I have to push the stroler so she won't start crying again. I wish I had 4 hands and 4 legs that's it!

Holly my son is 2 years and 7 month and my daughter is 12 weeks tomorrow.Thank you all for your nice words i really need someone to talk with and make me going.I have no friends here and it's really hard to keep it for myself.I had a very hard day(crying all day) and what makes me angry is that I don't know what it's wrong with her,why is she crying is she colicky or she has other medical problems,she looks so much in pain and I have to wait 2 more days until we see the pediatrician.I am prying for her health and for a better day tomorrow.

Andrea, I feel so sad for where you're at right now!  It sounds though like you are a really strong person...your kids are lucky to have you.

I'm sure you've thought of this, but I found something that was good for my daughter and eased my guilt somewhat was to set aside some special time for her. Even now, she sometimes feels like she gets the 'short end of the stick', because she is more easy going than Sammy, so gets less attention. She used to act out when Sammy was acting out, b/c she figured negative attention was better than no attention!  Once we figured that out, we told her to instead come tell us she needed attention. So now when she feels left out, she'll actually come and say 'I need attention too Mommy'.

How old is your son?

[Hollyadmin]

Andrea, your kids are exactly the same age difference as mine!

I'm so sorry today was such a hard day. If you had friends in the area that would help so much!! I have always found that making plans was key in maintaining my own mental health...I remember at one point deciding that I would just make plans, and we would keep those plans no matter what. So we would go to a playgroup, whether Sammy was fussy or not, tired or not, etc. I love routine, and for me, I needed to know what was happening throughout the day, not just wait to see how Sammy was that day.

Does your daughter have any physical symptoms, or 'just' the crying? (I hesitate to say just, but you know what I mean!!)

[Chel]

I have a lot of feelings of guilt and it makes me sad every time I think about it.  I mainly feel a lot of guilt when I am unable to console my baby, I feel like such a bad mother.  I see her in so much pain & no matter what I do or buy (happi tummi/gripe water/mylicon/sling/swing/bouncer) seems to help.  Everyone keeps on telling me that she'll grow out of it as she gets older & I feel guilty for wanting her to BE older.  I feel guilt for wanting her to sleep more because when she is awake, I know she'll be crying.  It's hard to take her out in public without people staring and making remarks when she's so fussy. 

[Mbrown602]

I feel guilty too when I can't console my baby. I feel guilty for losing my cool with her at times. I feel guilty for thinking at times, that I'm in a living hell.

Why does it seem many other women gush about being with their babies all day when I have moments where I just want to get away? I go back to work in a few weeks. My daughter will be 9 weeks then. In a way, it will be nice to get away but I know it will be hard to be away too.

[sheeshoo2]

I KNOW!  All of my friends gush over their newborns 24/7...one of them made the comment "We just love him SO much and could not imagine life without him!"  Meanwhile he just LAYS THERE...quiet as a mouse...I can not relate to these people at all.  I do NOT have warm, fuzzy memories of Cole's early days.  It is hard enough getting through each day even now as he is over 8 months old.

[fbsurvivor]

I felt guilty that sometimes my daughter would cry because I simply did not have the physical stamina to keep bouncing her, or to stay awake.  I felt guilty about going to the bathroom, or grabbing something to eat.  I felt guilty about having to put her in a bouncy chair while I pumped to increase my supply and build up an inventory for going back to work.  I felt guilty that I wasn't faster at changing diapers or putting her in her carseat.