Feelings of guilt

[Hollyadmin]

Oh man, Amanda, I felt guilty about the same thing. We had good friends who had a baby 6 weeks before we did, and they lived a 10 second walk from our place, so we had the constant comparison. And he was an EASY baby by anyone's definition.

I felt guilty that I felt no connection with Sammy. This sounds terrible now...but when he was 4 weeks old he was hospitalized with a respiratory virus and had to stay for 4 days. He had all sorts of invasive tests, including a lumbar puncture, and a catheter. And I felt nothing...except sorry for myself that I had to stay in the hospital with him for 4 days. Given how much I KNOW I love him now, and how much I feel that love, it's so sad to think about that. All hooked up to monitors, and I was sad for myself for having to be stuck at the hospital. I think I knew I loved him, but at that point, it was only the 'I know I should love him b/c he's my flesh and blood. I'll do anything for him, even if I don't feel like it' kind of love. I'm SO SO glad we're past that stage!!!

And did I mention that I always thought he was a rather......homely baby? I felt guilty about thinking that too

[FebMommy]

Guilt, ah yes.  I feel guilt that maybe I am causing the pain, discomfort, fussiness and crying because as my mother in law so cruelly put "there is something wrong with" my milk.  My baby cries sometimes after feeding, during feeding, much later too.  Am I hurting him? Is this my fault? How could I have not restricted my diet earlier? Because I wanted to still have pleasure! And I feel guilty for the depressed thoughts.  How dare I feel so guilty with a healthy, beautiful baby at 40? I should be thankful, happy and see this as a stage.  But my baby's fussiness scares me and makes me feel out of control.  Oh I have plenty of guilt.  Does anyone feel guilt over their breastmilk?

[Hollyadmin]

Guilt, ah yes.  I feel guilt that maybe I am causing the pain, discomfort, fussiness and crying because as my mother in law so cruelly put "there is something wrong with" my milk.  My baby cries sometimes after feeding, during feeding, much later too.  Am I hurting him? Is this my fault? How could I have not restricted my diet earlier? Because I wanted to still have pleasure! And I feel guilty for the depressed thoughts.  How dare I feel so guilty with a healthy, beautiful baby at 40? I should be thankful, happy and see this as a stage.  But my baby's fussiness scares me and makes me feel out of control.  Oh I have plenty of guilt.  Does anyone feel guilt over their breastmilk?

Ah yes, guilt over breastmilk over here! I felt guilty because I didn't know if something I was eating was hurting him, felt guilty wondering if I should switch him to formula (which by the way, has been shown to NOT improve colic), guilty wondering if I was feeding him too much/not enough, guilty for supplementing with formula...

It's really hard to FEEL happy and blessed at your stage of the game. I think in your rational mind, you know you're blessed to have a healthy baby, but it's really, really hard to feel it when your baby is crying all the time. I didn't feel love for Sammy for quite a while...I knew I did love him, but we had built no positive memories together. I didn't want to be around him, I didn't enjoy him. I do now

[WitsEnd]

Hi all...I have a six week old and i hate him. I hate knowing that when he wakes up from his oh so rare naps, he is going to scream and complain and there is nothing I can do to stop itjavascript:void(0). I hate my husband ignoring my desperate pleas for help,a break...just please get this horrible creature away from me. My 4 year old daughter was an absolute joy as a baby.....I have no idea how to cope with my son or help him. I feel horribly guilty that I am always screaming at my daughter to shut up PLEASE PLEASE so he will stay asleep another minute...another second.... I am losing it and I have NO support. I try to make myself feel something for Ramius, but all I feel is despondent, hopeless.....always wishing I had not decided to have another baby. My hus is more worried about if the house is clean and his dinner cooked than than how I feel.
We sleep in different rooms so he has no idea how bad it really is. There has got to be an ending point..there has got to be.javascript:void(0) Ramius does not smile or coo or anything. If I could get a reaction from him, know that there is a person in there and not just a screaming demon...maybe it would be easier?

[Hollyadmin]

Hi all...I have a six week old and i hate him. I hate knowing that when he wakes up from his oh so rare naps, he is going to scream and complain and there is nothing I can do to stop itjavascript:void(0). I hate my husband ignoring my desperate pleas for help,a break...just please get this horrible creature away from me. My 4 year old daughter was an absolute joy as a baby.....I have no idea how to cope with my son or help him. I feel horribly guilty that I am always screaming at my daughter to shut up PLEASE PLEASE so he will stay asleep another minute...another second.... I am losing it and I have NO support. I try to make myself feel something for Ramius, but all I feel is despondent, hopeless.....always wishing I had not decided to have another baby. My hus is more worried about if the house is clean and his dinner cooked than than how I feel.
We sleep in different rooms so he has no idea how bad it really is. There has got to be an ending point..there has got to be.javascript:void(0) Ramius does not smile or coo or anything. If I could get a reaction from him, know that there is a person in there and not just a screaming demon...maybe it would be easier?

Oh man, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so, so hard when all there is is screaming, and no positive experiences. I felt the same way - at least if he would smile at me sometimes or just lay in my arms happily, it would have been easier. But to have no positive memories at all, that was hard. I knew intellectually that I loved him, but I didn't feel it at all.

It sounds like there is definitely some depression going on for you too. I'm not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure there is hormonal depression and then there's depression because of circumstances. You could be dealing with either or both. I took part in a local PPD support group when Sammy was 11 weeks old, and it was really helpful.

Your son is likely at his worst right now (6 weeks). From this point on, things tend to start getting better. I have heard some parents say that their baby suddenly woke up one day around 12 weeks old, smiling, a different baby. This could happen for you.

I know this is SO SO hard right now. Please know that you can come here anytime to vent, or also feel free to email me anytime: holly@thefussybabysite.com. You're NOT a bad mom for feeling this way. But you do need to get some support, whether that's a support group, this group, hired babysitter, something. Our kids outgrow this, and life DOES get better. It's trying to stay sane during this time that's key.

[fbsurvivor]

Witsend- I agree with everything Holly said.  I also think that you're going to have to ask (demand) more from your husband.  I don't know your relationship, but right now home cooked meals, cleaning are the least of your worries and your husband's going to have to face that reality. He may have to pick up dinner on his way home. This is likely going to last until at least 6 months and there's no way you're going to have the stamina to get through it without more help from your husband.  I think it's better to handle this head on now, because it's just not going to get easier in the immediate future.  Is there anyone else that could talk to him?  maybe read some of the posts and materials on this site and show him what you are facing?  I definitely agree with Holly that you need some help for what sounds like depression, at least someone else to hear you.  And don't let those thoughts in about how you shouldn't have had another baby, etc. This is a temporary stage.  Although, I completely understand having those feelings.
Also, I wouldn't worry so much about your daughter waking up your son.  In my experience high needs babies usually like a lot of noise.  Maybe if you had some white noise going, it wouldn't matter how loud your daughter was.  High needs babies are actually usually very alert, so the desire to get a reaction from him may be easier than you think.  These babies often like a lot of stimulation, being around other people, and the outdoors, so if you can include those that should help.  I remember that my daughter loved staring at the fan.  The other thing your post reminds me of is that we always had to snap my daughter out of her crying fits.  Even at that early an age we would try to distract and say "hey, hey" right in her face, kind of Dog Whisperer style.  If your daughter was easy, then you probably are going to have to use entirely different tools with your son.  In my experience these babies do not like to be gently patted and cuddled.  They like a lot of movement and often like loud more than quiet.

[WitsEnd]

You guys have no idea how glad I was when I found this site. I literally cried because I was glad to know I was not alone and other moms have survived this. Today is a resting day for him so he sleeps as long as I do not hold him or talk to him and plop a bottle in every two hours. These days,as rare as they are, are the only thing that gets me thru. He will rest for one whole day and night and then......48 to 72 hours of almost constant screaming,puking, straining, face scratching(himself) wriggling misery. He is 14 pounds now so he is putting on weight like a champ,so it is not affecting his growth. I am trying a trial of ALIMENTUM to see if that will help. My relationship with my husband is really strained and has been for some time. HE expects for me to cook all the time for him, but when I came home from the hospital after having had a c-section....I had to beg him to nuke me breakfast sandwiches all the time. I survived on those sandwiches and cold ravioli out of the can till I could get up and make something for myself. Then he would be mad that I had not made enough for him too! I do not really hate my baby... I just do not know what to do for him and he won't nurse so it's hard to feel really connected with him, you know? Being able to vent honestly on here is really a life saver. My husband calls me crazy and walks away or ignores me. He is addicted to that damn game world of war craft and will choose to play that over almost any thing else.My little quiet moments with my daughter are a sanity saver ,too. I appreciate ya'll replying with tips...I am in new water with this baby.

[fbsurvivor]

WitsEnd-  My husband is also a gamer and it is really really annoying when he retreats to his games.  For some reason he seemed to really hold onto this idea that certain things in his life weren't going to change once we had a baby.  At first I kind of gave in to some of it, and then I pointed out that it wasn't really fair.  He's gotten better, but I think he gets addicted.  Sometimes it is really hard to be assertive.  I know sometimes I feel like the whole baby thing is my idea and I have to deal with it.  But, I remember that he participated just as much as I did and he can take the responsibility. I am not in any way approving of the way your husband is treating you, but some it is probably a way of coping.  If there's any way to get him involved in taking care of your daughter or your son instead of retreating, it will probably help everyone out.  I can't believe he calls you crazy.  Name calling is not good.  I say, take some power back.  Is there anyone who can talk some sense into him, like his parents?  I know right now I'm constantly trying to get my husband to stop the obsenities in front of our daughter.  I told him that he can talk to daycare when she starts swearing at other kids. 
Your case does sound different in that it sounds like your son is kind of tiring himself out with all the crying.  I do remember that my husband and I thought our daughter was not on a 24 hour clock, that it was more like a 36 hour clock.  That's what your son sounds like from your description.  14 lbs at 6 weeks!  At least you don't have weight gain issues.   What does your doc say about the vomiting?  With my daughter some of the vomiting was from overfeeding.  On the Alimentum, we tried that but it didn't do much. 

[WitsEnd]

Yeah I think he overeats to pacify himself. He also will strain like he is trying to poop until he makes himself puke. The doc says as fat and big as he is(34 inches long) that he is obviously digesting his food so she is not worried about it. I should also put in here so ya'll don;t think he is a mutant that I am six foot three. Actually the alimentum does seem to be helping a little. He seems to be to be making more eye contact and his cries are a little less strident.

[fbsurvivor]

WitsEnd- Wow! 6'3".  Well, since you are so tall, I would suggest 2 techniques that my husband and I used, but are pretty physically tough.  1. We would lift our daughter straight up and down as high as we could.  This vertical motion would calm her right down.  It's arduous and the effects don't last very long, but you get a workout and it did seem to work.  Some other mothers have used an exercise ball, bouncing on it.  I didn't find that to be enough motion for my daughter, but might work for you.  2.  Also, we would strap my daughter in her infant carseat and my husband would swing her as high as he could.  Again, not always long lasting effects, but it did work.  My daughter needed something really dramatic to get her out of crying fits.

That's good that the Alimentum is helping.  I hear hope from you and that is a very good thing.  Like Holly said, this is the worst of the worst, so it will get easier.

[abbyColicRemedy]

I am new to this site and I have to reply to Wits End, even though it has been a few months.  I really hope things have improved for you since you posted in June.  I think it is more common than any of us realize for mom's with colicky babies to have these feelings.  And for all those mom's out there who have not had a fussy baby, don't judge!  I found it extremely difficult to talk about my screaming baby with my friends who had never experienced it because they could not understand or empathize with my feelings.  I could tell that they were thinking that they would never think negatively about their child if they were in my shoes.  As if they had any idea what I was going through.  What bothers me most is that colic is supposed to magically end after 3 months and, if you are lucky enough for that to happen, then everyone just assumes that all is fine.  But the scars from colic stick around.  It screws up your relationship with your child right at the most crucial bonding time and that can have long term effects.  Really good (read: non-judgmental) support is so crucial right now, for your mental health.  I really hope you are getting it!!

[pinkpanther400]

I am going through a major guilt feeling day right now. Long story short, we tried breastfeeding he vomited, we tried Enfamil Premium Lipil, he really vomited, we tried soy...he was good for awhile then at three weeks he really started screaming all the time (but no legs to chest). So at six weeks we put him on Nutramigen (hypoallergenic) as recommended by doctor. However, my son never had any symptoms of an allergy to soy, just really fussy. At 10 weeks we figured that the Nutramigen wasn't really helping so why spend the money. It also made his poops really really loose and almost like they burned him (acidic). Now I've switched him back to Soy and he is just as bad. He screams, calms down, only to scream again. He just can't calm himself down and even I can't calm him down. Sometimes he'll be crying and then just smile and then cry some more. I try to entertain him, I try to help him get naps in. I agree that people say he'll grow out of it but I'm not so sure. I feel so guilty for wanting him to grow up. I wish I could just skip this baby phase. Sometimes I wish God hadn't even given him to me because I obviously can't  keep him happy. I don't know what causes his outbursts but it doesn't really seem like pain (they are out of nowhere but no legs to chest, no passing gas, etc). Sometimes I think he's bored so I try to entertain him but even that doesn't work all the time. I hate sticking the pacifier in all the time but sometimes it works. He came down with a virus for about ten days he was so mellow and smiling and no screaming. Now he's back with a vengence. I keep questioning myself if it was the virus or the Nutramigen finally working that made him calm? It's so hard being a mom and I read on here that some toddlers are still fussy. I don't really have much hope left. My family tells me to suck it up and just take his screaming fits in stride.

[Hollyadmin]

Pink Panther....

I can feel that you're at the end of your rope. I can relate to almost everything you said below.

Re: being calm while sick...I thought that was just Sammy!  At 4 weeks old Sammy was hospitalized for 4 days with a virus, and he was like a 'normal' baby. We couldn't believe it. Once he was better, back to screaming. Even now, when he has a cold or the flu, even if it's just a little one, he's so much calmer. We joke that while we hate him being sick, it is kind of nice for a change!!

We too tried soy formula, regular formula, pumped breastmilk, breastfeeding...He did best on breastmilk, but only marginally so. It sounds like your little guy is likely not allergic, or else you would have noticed major improvements when switching. It sounds like he is 'just fussy' (I hesitate to say 'just'!!).

Don't feel bad AT ALL about using the paci...do what works!! Babies need to suck, and high need babies especially. If you find something that calms him, do it all the time if you need to.

Re: fussy toddlers. I know if you read posts on here about fussy toddlers, it looks like there's no hope. But HONESTLY, it really does get SO SO SO much better. OK, so it's not easy. But these little 'fussy babies' are the most fun, brightest little human beings, and I wouldn't trade Sammy for anything. I would do those first months again just to have him (and that's saying a lot). It's hard having a 'high maintenance' toddler, but it's a much different kind of hard than what you're going through right now. You're probably sleep-deprived, exhausted, feeling guilty, overwhelmed, alone....those things go away, at least mostly. It really, really gets easier, and a ton more fun!!!

Hang in there. I wish I could do more to help.

Holly

[sombrabella]

I had to read this thread today and try to take solace in knowing that I'm not totally alone with my guilty feelings. 

I've been posting here since my son was 4 mos. old and he is now 10 mos.  And I will say that he has definitely made some huge improvements in the fussy dept.  However--now that he is on the brink of toddlerhood, I am facing new challenges that are just as frustrating.  He is learning to walk, which is exciting for him and for me, and I hope it will bring him the independence we both so desperately need, but right now he is soooo needy!  He fusses and whines constantly unless I am helping him walk or actively engaging him in play.  I know that probably sounds like a mild complaint in comparison to a constant colicky scream, but it is still exhausting!  He is also teething like crazy, which unlike other babies he can't seem to do without an incredible amount of pain.  I feel like a bad mom for giving him Tylenol every night, sometimes more than once, just so he'll sleep.  I'm careful to not even come close to the maximum daily dose in a 24 hour period, but I still feel guilty, like if I were more patient or creative, I could find another way to help him.  But in the middle of the night, I'm too tired to get out of bed and get a teething ring, or rock him.  I still don't get great sleep, because we are still co-sleeping, so I cling desperately to what I can get!  In addition, he has started to willfully refuse napping during the day.  For awhile there, he was napping at least twice a day, a good 1 1/2 to 2 hours each time, and this is how I kept my sanity.  Now he is fighting his morning nap, and I'm terrified to see it go!  I need some time away from him during the day, and that is only possible when he is sleeping.  If he is awake, he is up in my face.  He will not play alone for more than 5 seconds.  Even when I'm eating dinner he is right there trying to grab my plate.

He is also sooo strong willed!  I feel like I fight with him alot.  Little things like diaper changes, getting socks/shoes/coat on to leave, etc., become battles.  I try to distract him by giving him my keys (which he loves), or singing him a song, but sometimes I just get so sick of trying.  I have been been losing my cool alot lately.  I don't want to be like that.  I don't know what to do though.  I try to take him to playdates, keep him entertained.  I've even started to learn sign language so I can teach him and comunicate with him earlier.  But I still feel like it's not enough.  I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough.  I'm worn out, I'm lonely, and I'm frustrated. 

[Hollyadmin]

(((HUGS)))!!!!!

You are doing everything you can do...you are only human. These little guys really do suck the life right out of us at times!  When the whole day (and night!) is spent entertaining, distracting, soothing, teaching, etc, etc, it's extremely draining. Then when you do want just 1 hour to yourself, you feel guilty...but sometimes parents of 'easy' babies just can't understand this desperate need for alone time, as they don't need to be CONSTANTLY coddling their babies.

I also feel like I fight with Sammy a lot. I hate it. It makes everything feel so negative, and that's not what I want in my home. I can't remember who said it, but either Mary Sheedy-Kurcinka or Linda Budd said the key to diffusing a high-stress confrontation with these little ones is to head it off at the pass...once they've reached the 'red zone', it's SO hard to get them back (same goes for us I think!).

The ONLY thing I find that helps with Sammy when he's being obstinate is using humour. Sometimes it's the last thing I feel like. But the harder I push (you HAVE to put on your boots or you get a  time-out!!) the harder he pushes back. If I make a joke, or pick him and swing him around, and then put his boots on, it seems to diffuse the situation.

I'm sorry you're still struggling. I think it's safe to say that most of us are to a greater or lesser extent. Hang in there!!