daddies and fussy babies

[Mbrown602]

I'm wondering what kind of support you guys get from the fathers. My husband works a lot and works till about 11 pm so I spend a lot of days with my fussy 6 week old alone. Yesterday, he had off and I asked him to take care of her while I got in the shower around 1. Just like she does any other time, she screamed her head off for him. When I came out of the bathroom, she was screaming, red-faced and balling up her fists. He sits there holding her and wants to hand her back to me right away, saying I don't know what to do. I hear him talking to her in an angry stern voice too, and that's when I know someone has had enough and I take her back.

When he does have off, I want more than a 20 min shower break. I try to explain to him it's not just him, but she does this for me too. Lately, it seems that early afternoon has been a peak fussy period in addition to night time. I'm nervous about him watching her in the mornings when I go back to work. He swears she acts up because she doesn't like him, and feels she prefers me.

This type of thing has caused up to snap out at each other lately

[civano]

I think I probably attend to our baby more even when my husband is home. Since I am a SAHM, I think at times he takes for granted that I take care of our son. When I do become completely frustrated and/or feel like I'm just going to snap...I think that's when he will try and intervene. He doesn't always realize that I need a break before I'm at my breaking point. I think he just sees me put on a neutral face and assumes all is good. What he doesn't realize is that being with the baby all day (and my almost 3 year old) that I just get really worn down. I think he also thinks the baby prefers me. I tell him it doesn't matter if he does, I need a break. I also find that unless I actually leave the house or he leaves the house with the children (at least the fussy baby), I don't really get a break because I'm too busy listening to everything that is happening, answering questions, helping, or intervening.

My 4 month old has been a terrible sleeper as well and since he's underweight and we can't really do any sleep training as of yet, I've been usually getting up every 1-2 hours at night. It started to take a really bad toll on me and I just lost it verbally on my husband telling him that I needed more from him and how I felt. He surprised the heck out of me a few days ago and decided to go away with the kids to his mother's house (1.5 hours away) so I could actually get some undisturbed sleep and just be without my kids.

I do think that having 2 fussy babies has put a strain on our relationship and really tested it at times.

[Hollyadmin]

I am convinced that men come up with the excuse 'she/he just doesn't like me', or 'I'm just not good with him/her' to get out of their responsibilities!!!

My husband was one of the few who really stepped up to the plate when Sammy was a baby. He took a whole month off to help...I can't imagine what would have happened if he hadn't!!  We would often take turns with him in the evenings...one of us would pace around the living room with him, while the other went in the other room for a breather. And to this day, when we are out in public and Sammy needs entertainment/distraction/discipline, Derrick handles it.

I will say that the calming/soothing stuff didn't come as easily to him. He needed some guidance. Sammy would be sitting on his lap crying, and my husband would sit there saying 'shhhh, what's wrong? what do you need?', all the while SITTING on the couch.  Come on!  Get up off the couch and WALK with him for Pete's sake!!! Does this really not occur to them??!!

[Mbrown602]

lol! Holly, my husband does the same thing. He just sits on the couch with the baby and looks at her and asks her what's wrong. I've tried to tell him you have to walk around with her, or put her in the swing, or give her a pacifier, etc, see what works. You can't just sit there and ask them questions!!

[first time mom]

LIke they are going to suddendly start talking!!! it's like when someone ask's you: are you sleeping? when you are JUST about to sleep!

[first time mom]

You have to talk to your husband. Up until last week when my baby was 6 weeks, I held it all in and it was making it worse. I almost preferred him not being home since he was making it worse. I was going through the same thing you are and he was responding in the same ways, making me so angry. He's working 12-15 hour days plus Saturdays right now so I understand he's tired, but I had to explain to him I need that little break to shower or do whatever so that I can recharge and not loose it, literally. And I explained that the baby is going to cry regardless whether she's with me or with him, and that he needs to try harder at calming her. After talking to him, it's been much better and he doesn't show his frustration anymore like he used to, even though I know he is. But he now knows it makes it worse when he shows it, because then I get frustrated and then we all just end up crying and upset. So yes I would definitely make a point to talk to him, even though it might be a hard conversation. I know mine was, since this is the first time my husband and I have ever had any sort of conflict.

[fbsurvivor]

My husband could not handle it.  He has a temper and he would always hear my daughter's screaming as anger.  However, he understood that after dealing with it all day, I needed him when he came home.  I think men also think that since we have the breasts we're the only ones who can calm the babies.    I was terrified when my husband took paternity leave when I first went back to work, that he would just leave her screaming, but in the end it worked out and they bonded.

There were a few things that my husband could do that I couldn't, or couldn't do for very long at least.  We would put her in the carseat and strap her in, and then my husband would use big arm swings to swing her in the carseat.  These were much more powerful swings than a mechanical swing.  Also, one thing that helped our daughter was the up and down motion and we would take turns doing reps of holding her in our arms and doing vertical lifts.  My husband could do these much longer than I could.

[Hollyadmin]

ohhhhhhhh those up and down moves!!!! I lost allllllll my preggo weight doing that for hours at a time ahahahahahahah!!!!! I remember on really bad night...... my husband said ok, go to bed, I will take care of him.... 20 min later he came running in the room, saying: pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase take him I can't take this anymore !!! ahahahahha!!! one day we will look at this and laugh about it. We just have to tough the ride!

It's hard to believe now, but you will laugh about it someday!  In the moment, it is all consuming, and exhausting, and depressing, and hopeless. It's hard to believe this will ever be something you can laugh about. And maybe parts you won't ever be able to laugh about, but some you will. We like telling Sammy stories now about how difficult he was...we have even asked him why he cried so much. I think his response was 'because you wouldn't give me a cookie'

[nursemommy]

ahahahahah!!! a cookie!!! cute!!! oh now I look at my little man and I see him scream of joy when he see's his dog and I forget all the screaming!!! I can now say I want other kids!!! I know it passes and I've come to terms with the fact that I have a special child! I always say to people I have a future doctor in my hands because he can work long hours and will never sleep!!! ahahahahah!!!

[fbsurvivor]

Oh, one more thing that dad's can do better.  There's that arm hold that Harvey Karp recommends where the baby rests on your forearm.  My husband could do that one much better than I could, and do serious pumping with his arm at the same time, especially once my daughter got older.

On the whole up and down movement--We hired this sleep consultant and she said that the only other baby she had taken care of that was that fussy, she did the same.  She said she did huge movement, from a squat on the floor to standing straight up and down.  I just wondered if somehow that is like being in the womb and jostling up and down.  And it's kind of interesting that none of the swings or bouncers do this.  I'm sure there's some kind of liability with the head moving up and down like that.