How do you explain what you've gone through?

[Tiger Cub Tamer]

When people ask about the new baby, I always respond honestly.  Unfortunately, when you have an extreme baby, honesty doesn't make any sense to 95% of people.  At first, I didn't know that my son was an outlier, but now that I do, looking back, I can see why my responses probably sounded bizarre. 

For example, at my first ob/gyn follow up visit, the receptionist was disappointed that I didn't bring my newborn. Making small talk, I replied, "well, you know how they cry when you shove needles under their fingernails all the time."  She looked immediately concerned and said, "oh, I'm so sorry! Why do you have to do that?" I looked back at her like she was an idiot and said, "of course I don't -- it was a joke, you know how babies cry."  Well, apparently I was the idiot, because most babies don't act like they are being tortured all the time.

Once I figured out that I had an extreme baby, I started trying to EXPLAIN and CONVINCE people about what it is like.  I tried to put it in perspective: "I had 22 hour labor, 4 hours pushing, all natural, and that was easy compared to this!" That didn't seem to register.  I tried to provide testimonials: "within 6 hours of being around our son, both his grandparents said they had NEVER seen anything this extreme on both sides of their families."  That was often dismissed as grandparents forgetting how hard it was.  I tried to draw comparisons to TV show characters: "you know Tuco from Breaking Bad? The methamphetamine addict who is prone to unpredictable bouts of violent rage? Yeah, that's just like what our two-month-old is like!"  This, as you can imagine, gets me nowhere.

My husband thinks that it's pointless to try to explain what we've gone through to our friends, family, and co-workers, but I have this strong aversion to just nodding and smiling when asked about our "little angel."  What can I expect to communicate?  What understanding can I hope to get?  Any possibility of actual empathy?  A few people have at least confessed to me that babies are overrated, but I still don't think they grasp the hell that I've been through. 

(As an aside, the people posting on this website clearly get it!)

-- Tiger Cub Tamer

[MDT]

Finding ways to explain how difficult it is taking care of a baby like this is something I've been working at for 5 months now.  I've only come to the conclusion that, unless they've dealt with a baby like this, there's no way they can understand.  That's part of what makes dealing with a fussy baby so difficult.  You don't really have anyone to talk to because most people haven't experienced anything like it.  What stinks is that even though they try to understand, the comments they usually make (stuff like "babies do that", "all babies cry" and whatnot) only make you feel worse.  You just have to shake your head and walk off.

As much as I'd like for the people around me to understand what I'm going through, I know it'll never happen.  I've told them about it, I've written about it, but nothing can make them understand.  Not even having them watch the baby because unless you're with him all the time, it won't bother you as much as it does me because I'm with him 24/7.  That's why it's so nice to be able to come here and talk to other people who can relate and who can understand.  They're the only ones who DO get it.

[fbsurvivor]

Well put and I can definitely relate.  I have a tendency myself to see the glass half full and have a dark sense of humor, so in describing my baby, I think I shocked quite a few people.  Everyone thinks you're going to be overjoyed with a new baby.  At first I was overjoyed because I was over 9 months of morning sickness, but that quickly faded into absolute exhaustion.
I remember a woman at La Leche League describing how she instantly fell in love with her baby, admiring her in the hospital.  I could not relate at all.  In my daughter's first hour, the nurses were shocked at how loud she screamed and how red her face became.  By day 2 they were asking why she was hoarse.  So, I used that info as much as possible to relate to people what we were experiencing.  Then, when neither my mother or mother-in-law knew what to do, I was sure we had something different on our hands.  Then followed serious weight gain problems.  I thought I was in a nightmare.
We knew too, that it wasn't just colic because she was so reactive.  She hated diaper changes, carseats, clothing changes, just about every invasion.  So, I was also annoyed at everyone saying it was just colic and we were right when it didn't go away at 3 months.  At 20 mo, those 6 mo. are a long time ago, and yet I still have no idea what to tell people, how to describe what it was.  It is amazing to be around others who do know what you're talking about.  It's like listening to a fire alarm for months at a time.