Pregnant with #2 and having mixed feelings

[MDT]

I knew from the time I had my son, I wanted another baby.  Nine months down the road and I'm pregnant again.  I'm having mixed feelings about the whole situation.  When I'm having a bad day with my son (which has been A LOT lately), I can't help but wonder if bringing another baby into the mess is the best thing for me mentally.  I'm afraid to even tell family about the new baby because I don't want them thinking I'm irresponsible since I can't even care for the child I have already.  At the same time, though, why should I feel like I'm irresponsible for having family help me with the baby when my husband (a pilot) is at work, away from home for 4-5 days at a time per week?  I just don't know what to think right now.  I thought I would be happy to be pregnant again, but I can't stop thinking about how bad things could be once I'm responsible for two under two and my husband won't be around that much to help.  Sometimes I feel like I can't even handle one!  Have any of you had another child after having a fussy one?  How did you cope when the new child came into the world?  How did you keep your sanity while dealing with a fussy baby and a newborn?

[Hollyadmin]

First of all, having a baby under any circumstances is reason to celebrate, so CONGRATULATIONS!!!  I can definitely understand your fears and concerns. But you are not selfish or irresponsible to be having a family. You did not choose your son's temperament, and while the first while after your having your 2nd may be very difficult, in the long term, you'll be happy and so blessed to have 2 children...regardless of how difficult it may be when they're small.

Since Sammy was my 2nd, I can't speak to how to cope with an older HN toddler and baby. As the kids have gotten a bit bigger, though, I feel extremely lucky to have 2, particularly because HN kids seem to love having a sibling around to distract and entertain them. Aliya was SO good about keeping Sammy entertained from a very early age, and now they are best friends.

Trust me, it will all be worth it. In the short term, don't feel bad relying on family - perhaps you could even put your son in p/t daycare or preschool once the baby comes?

[MDT]

Thank you for the congratulations!

I wish my inlaws understood that I didn't choose my son's temperament.  It seems like the longer we go on like this, the less interested they are in helping me out when my husband is away.  My husband has to go away for training for two weeks starting the 21st of this month.  I knew this wasn't going to be doable for me without any help so I had him call his parnts about taking the baby for a weekend or 2 or 3 nights to give me a break.  Their lack of a response for several days followed by a "we can take him for a day or two" infuriated me (and my husband).  They said nothing about taking him for a few nights.  It just frustrates me because I know it's because my son is such a handful and they'd rather not deal with him.  I just don't want them thinking I shouldn't be having another baby because I need so much help with this one.  I just want to be happy about this pregnancy, but it's hard to when I'm surrounded by people like this.  You can't force people to care and quite frankly, if they don't want to help, I don't want their help.  They haven't done a thing for me since my son was born last December so I don't know why I expect that things might change now or when another baby is around.

I'm glad to hear that HN kids like having siblings around for entertainment.  That's something I never thought about but makes perfect sense.

I'm definitely going to look into p/t daycare when the new baby is here.  Preschool will be out since he'll only be about a year and a half old at the time.  I just don't want to feel like I'm giving up on one in order to take care of the other, but at the same time, I'm going to need to do what is best for my own sanity!

I'm sure a lot of my mixed feelings aren't being helped by wacky pregnancy hormones.  Hopefully once all of this settles in and I'm further along, things won't seem so impossible.  It's just so hard to comprehend what's going to happen when it's still so early on.  The pregnancy doesn't even seem real to me yet, but once that point comes, I',m sure all of my mixed feelings will be replaced with feelings of excitement.

[sombrabella]

Just want to say, congrats to you!     And you must be an angel, because if I were you I would've told off the in-laws by now.  They don't even deserve to see your son.  It's too bad, to, because it sounds like you definitely need some help.  Do you live in the states?  Have you looked into La Leche? They are a great resource.  Come on ladies, help her out...what are some other resources?

[MDT]

I honestly don't how how I haven't told off my in-laws by now!  My husband and I are definitely at the point where we're not even going to take our son to see them anymore, even if they want to see him.  I've completely had it with them.

Yes I do live in the United States.  How could LLL help?  I've not breastfed since my son was 2 months old so I'm not sure how they'd want to help out a formula-feeder.  Haha.

[sombrabella]

What about joining a mom's group, if nothing else, for a sympathetic ear and playmates for the older baby?

You could also check out your local job and family services--they may have some resources other than just financial help.

I know there have to be other resources--it will just take some searching.  I was hoping others on this message board would have some suggestions.

[Emma]

Hey!  I just wanted to put this out there for anyone who is struggling with their toddlers or isnt sure how to start setting boundaries with your infant/toddler - this site offers a great book with easy to use tips and routines!  It was a god send for me and I think most anyone could benefit from it! 

If you are having issues with your son, it's best to nip it in the butt sooner rather than later (I know easier said than done!) but it will make things so much better make you happier mom!  I got alot out of this book, and I just jumped over there now, and there is a free personality guide they are giving for free when you grab their book.  Something to consider - like I said, I just had the book, and it helped, so maybe that added thing will be godo too. 

She talks about this thing called baby talk, and no word of a lie, I did this with my son (8 months) and it has stopped a boat load of tantrums almost on the spot!  You literally talk to them like a baby, with the same emotions they have, and then give other options for them once they've stopped.  She explains it better.  Anyway, just something to consider.  Hang int here!  You'll do good I"m sure!!

[Emma]

LOL!  Sorry I forgot to put the site in - www.infanttoddlerdiscipline.com  and she doesn't advocate spankings at all.  She's into the gentle parenting style with a push on boundaries.  Ok, that's it!