Feeling misunderstood

[Sofiasmom]

Does anyone else have a difficult time getting their family/friends to understand what having a high-needs baby means?  Sometimes we get invited out of town to visit with aunts and uncles, etc.  Most of my husbands family lives about 2 hours away and we have made the trip a few times.  Sofia does not nap in cars, she just cries until it sounds like she is choking on long trips like that.  It results in numerous pull-overs and generally a huge hassle.  My in-laws DO NOT get this!  They keep saying things like - all babies sleep in the car and you must be exaggerating. Then once we arrive I tell them we MUST have Sofia take even a short nap before she gets overexcited seeing everyone resulting in the evil overtiredness (at 8 months I have learned not to mess with overtired!).  So many times I have ended up alone in a room with her crying inconsolably while everyone socializes so we don't often go for visits out of town.  The relatives blame all of her crying on stomach issues or gas but I know my daughter and she get overstimulated and overtired very easily.   How do you explain to people so that they understand your baby and why you do the things you do? 

[Hollyadmin]

Oh, most definitely!!!

I wouldn't say my daughter was high need, but she was actually much more particular in terms of needing sleep (I think because my son was cranky whether he slept or not, so I didn't protect his naps in the same way). But for my daughter, I knew if she didn't get a nap, she would melt down, and it just wasn't worth it to me. We missed a lot of church her first year, because it was right at nap time. I took some flack for that. One guy at church said, you should just teach her to sleep at church. HAHAHA!  Feel free to teach her for me!

When she was 10 mths old, we flew to Germany, and she was awake for 12 hours straight!  She never fell asleep in the car, and the plane was no different. What a nightmare.  She was so over the top tired.

With both my kids, (moreso my daughter) I hated driving anywhere long distance. There's nothing worse than driving on the freeway listening to a blood curdling scream for hours on end!

[Hollyadmin]

I just reread your post. To answer your question more fully, yes, I did feel misunderstood. With Sammy, he was  usually really good when we were out and about, so people tended to (I think) dismiss what I said about his behaviour at home. Those who really knew us, knew how he was though, so that helped.

[sheeshoo2]

We are in a very similar boat---it is INCREDIBLY difficult to explain to anyone exactly how Cole behaves 24/7.  Even if friends/relatives happen to see him being incredibly difficult in public (which is less likely to happen compared to when he is in the house with me all day long), they too will attempt to blame it on probable "stomach issues."  At this point I simply tell them "Yeah, unfortunately that is just Cole's temperament..." and leave it at that.  No one seems to understand that I have already been through almost 7 months of trying to "figure out what is wrong with Cole."  Only in the last month or so have I actually come to grips with the fact that there is actually really nothing "wrong" with him but instead this is just his personality, at least for a time.  I would never wish this experience on someone else, even my worst enemy, as it has really taken a toll on myself and my husband.  But when people say the same things over and over to you and act like you must have never tried x, y, or z and THAT is why your kid screams like a banshee, it makes me want to hit something, lol.  I am very much a "fix it" person and have researched all sorts of different issues that could account for Cole's distinct personality, but unfortunately I and all of the physicians I have consulted with have come up empty.  It is strange that other people, most with zero expertise, try to tell you what you are doing wrong or that you must be exaggerating your child's sometimes insane behavior.  I am right there with you!  Having people who DO understand, even just 10% of what you are going through, really helps!

[Reflux Mom]

Hello!
I am so sorry-
My little ones had severe reflux and I felt so misunderstood too. I
wrote about feeling misunderstood in a series of articles on "Parenting Sins".
Here is the link to the first parenting sin- "spoiling" the baby:
http://www.healthcentral.com/acid-reflux/c/96/59341/parenting-part-1
third parenting sin is being "overprotective":
http://www.healthcentral.com/acid-reflux/c/96/64820/3-overprotective
Best wishes,
Jan
The Reflux Mom
www.refluxmom.com

[fbsurvivor]

I did feel somewhat bewildered by the responses of family members, but I think what really made me see that my daughter was different was: 1. Both my mom and mother-in-law coming to town and having no idea what to do.  They would ask at my husband and I, new parents, what to do. 2. having my mother take the night shift while she visited (she found my daughter different than what she remembered and was completely exhausted by the end of the week) 3. having the strong reactions of the nurses at the hospital to my daughter's apparent rage (obviously she wasn't like all of the other babies). So, we knew our daughter was different kind of let that be our shield.

I think because my husband and I have never really been people who fit in, it was a little easier to weather what people had to say.  I just figured that the advice givers had no idea what they were talking about.  So, it just went in one ear and out the other.  And once you start ignoring people's advice, they stop giving it.  But, I also found the attitude, of "You think you can do a better job?  Sure thing, here, give it a try." helpful.  It gives you a break and proves your point.

[Sarah]

Luckily my family understands pretty well.  My father and brother helped us move from our old house to theirs (we lived with them for a year to save money) when DS1 was 6weeks old (he is now 2.5) a normal 8 hour trip took 14 hours...so...they get it, plus they lived with me for a year and they could see it.  My Sister in law has THREE high needs kids, oh I feel for her, so my in laws get it too. 

The people I struggle with are my friends.  One of my close friends has 4 kids, all of them generally very easy babies and no where near high needs so she often makes comments that imply it is my parenting that makes DS1 this way and not just his personality.  It is starting to become clearer to them though I think since I have had a second baby who is not high needs.  I parent the same way (attachment parenting) and he is just a whole lot different and "easier"(though still not as easy-going as some babies I know). 

I don't know if I could handle another high needs baby but the one thing I will say is that with DS1 (high needs baby) the answer to his cries was always holding or nursing.  DS2 (4.5 months now) is different, sometimes he is so upset and I just can't help him, holding doesn't help, nursing doesn't help, he isn't wet, or hungry, it is actually pretty stressful.  But then he can fall asleep without nursing and allows me to put him down occasionally and will play by himself so that is a huge blessing.

[fbsurvivor]

Sarah, wow, playing by himself at 4.5 months is great.

[nursemommy]

Ohhhhh the things people have said to me in the past 4 months!!! I still can picture me walking with my screeming overtired 1 month old and my mother in law walking behind me saying: he's hungry, he has a tummy ache, give him his pacifier ( he gags when he has it and right now, he is screaming bloody murder, and dosent need a paci!) the best of all was « you are too stressed out, leave him alone»..... as if i'm going to leave my son screaming..ALONE! My mother has suggested from : give him cereals he's hungry ( at a few days old) to dip his paci in honey ( of course I didn't do that!!!)!!! I knew at day 2 that my baby was colicky.... I just wish I knew Dr Karp's technique before!!!  I had NO support besides my sister who had a colicky baby too... she was the only one who could calm him down besides me!

I saw myself driving around at 4 in the morning to calm him down... or just hopping in the bathtub with him...... People who haven't had a colicky baby/ high need's baby don't understand how it is. They presume babies are like groundhogs the first few months of their lives and if they are active babies before «they should be»... then they are not normal!

This site is a godsend! the more you talk with parents who had or have babies like ours, the better it gets!

[beth2000]

Yes, I definitely can relate to constantly being misunderstood.  My best friend and family also thought I was exaggerating when I tried to explain how hard it was to deal with my DD on a regular basis.  They always would say, “all babies fuss a bit”, etc.  I would try to explain the intensity of my DD's temperament, her constant need for attention, her demanding nature, her near-nuclear meltdowns...they just didn't get it.  They would give me that blank stare like I was talking in a foreign language or something.  Ughhhhh...

My father came to visit when DD was 6 weeks old and he realized right away that I was telling the truth.  He kept telling me how difficult my daughter was.  He tried to help but found it very hard to deal with her.  In fact, when I came out to visit him when DD was 3 ½ months, he didn't want to help me with her at all (DH couldn't make it out with me...getting through the airport on my own with a high need baby wasn't fun!!).  I had to force him to watch her while I ate dinner and took a shower every night.  

What really irritates me is the advice people try to give me regarding sleeping/naps.  You know, “just let them cry it out”.  CIO does not work with a high needs baby (at least not with mine)!  Most of the mother's that try to push CIO on me have calm, happy babies that very rarely fuss.  They have no idea what I'm going through and it really ticks me off when they push CIO on me or make me feel guilty that I've never been able to get my baby on an actual sleep/nap schedule.  

[sunshinebaby]

Yes, all the time I felt misunderstood (still do today).  Thankfully our families were usually pretty supportive, even if they didn't know what to do.  Any time I found information I would send it to them to read as well.  I tried to share and be open with them.

It is very difficult to deal with "strangers" or those not close to your family.  Our struggle now is that my daughter has sever stranger anxieties and people just don't understand why we don't just leave her in the nursery at church (she WILL scream the entire time), gets hysterical when people she's uncomfortable with are in our home or if she's in a close environment with them and she feels trapped.  I think the comment I hate the worst is when people "blame" her anxieties on the fact that I am a stay at home mom and she isn't exposed to day care.

[Hollyadmin]

It's amazing the things people blame their behaviour/temperament on!  In most cases, I've learned, how they are is just how they are, and it's WHO they are. It's not anything we've done to them, or anything that we could have prevented, they're born like that. Your daughter's stranger anxiety seems to just be something she was born with. I know my daughter was born with a fear of men (right from the beginning, she was afraid of men....at almost 6, she is totally over that now!), a fear of animals, etc. She didn't have any bad experiences, we didn't make her that way, it's just who she is...

[nursemommy]

My son is afraid of his paternal grand parents aahahahahahah!!!! he just wont be held by both of them!!!! TRUE that they are always ultra nervous around him ( because he fusses)..... I always thought that my son was my sponge for some things aka: my inlaws bug me ++++ since I got pregnant..... we actually had to tell them « no you are not going to be there when he is born ( they wanted to wait outside the room!!!» and they got annoyed by that!  and when they are around, he fusses and fusses probably because they still bug me !!!

[sheeshoo2]

I have had the same experience with being blamed for my son's temperament...people have said that it is simply because I am a stay-at-home mom and that he doesn't go to day care each day.  Sometimes I start believing it myself, but then I realize that NOTHING would have changed his temperament.  It was there from the moment he took his first breath.  I know now that even if I had fed him formula and taken him to day care each day, he would still be Cole.

[civano]

I have had the same experience with being blamed for my son's temperament...people have said that it is simply because I am a stay-at-home mom and that he doesn't go to day care each day.  Sometimes I start believing it myself, but then I realize that NOTHING would have changed his temperament.  It was there from the moment he took his first breath.  I know now that even if I had fed him formula and taken him to day care each day, he would still be Cole.

I really relate to this. It's been suggested to me that DS1 is the way he is because he doesn't go to daycare. I've also been encouraged to give up breastfeeding DS2 because maybe I just do not provide enough milk for him. Recently, I gave in to trying formula and while it seemed to work the 1st 24 hours, he went back to his fussy temperament and now I'm trying to boost my milk supply and a baby who would likes the flow of nipples more than the breast.

Both of my kids' temperament was obvious either right after birth or within 48 hours.

Other people seem to minimize what I mean when I say my kids are fussy. People don't understand what a challenge it is to go somewhere knowing that my infant is going to scream bloody murder the entire time. His screams aren't soft ones either. Both of my children have been loud...very loud children.