sombrabella
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« on: July 03, 2010, 11:51:52 AM » |
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I'm a SAHM of a 5.5 month old high-needs boy. I'm one of those weird people who likes to clean and organize my home and am a total homebody, so I thought staying home with my baby would be a dream come true...until Elliot came along!
Now most days it's all I can do to keep enough ahead on the laundry to have something clean to wear and load/unload the dishwasher. All my waking hours are spent trying to entertain/soothe my baby. My husband comes home from work around 5:30-6pm and takes Elliot while I make dinner. After we eat it's time for the baby's bath, then I have to try to put him to bed which involves nursing and eventually laying down beside him on our bed so he'll sleep. Sometimes I can sneak away and get up to get something done, but he's a very light sleeper, and anyway I'm usually too tired. But do you think my husband could lift a finger to clean? NOOO!
I hardly get any time to myself. I have to ASK my husband to watch Elliot-he never volunteers. I am getting soooo burnt out and I know it's affecting my ability to be a good mom. The last time I got out of the house alone, I was gone 2 1/2 hours. When I got home DS was screaming bloody murder. As soon as I got in the door DH handed him over and retreated into his workshop...he didn't say 'hi' or ask me if I had a good time or anything. I felt like punching him. He only had him 2 1/2 hours and I have him all day every day!!!
This morning DS woke up at his usual time, about 6:15. When it was time for his morning nap he wouldn't sleep. But do you think DH woke up to help me? Nope. After trying every other soothing method, I finally put him in a sling and went sleepwalkng around the neighborhood.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm feeling desperate. I know I need to deal with my emotions and get some help with DS. Help!
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Hollyadmin
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2010, 05:42:02 PM » |
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Oh man, this all sounds very familiar!! I have to say that my husband was very helpful with Sammy, though, when he had time. I do remember getting calls from him when I was out more than an hour or two though...[screaming in the background]: "When did you say you were coming home again??". So, there was never truly a break until he outgrew the crying.
It sounds like you really do need a break!! I wish I lived close and could help out! Have you tried sitting down with your husband and telling him how hard this is for you? That you need him on board? I have a friend with a HN 18 month old, and the husband still tries to avoid helping. She's totally losing it. Don't wait that long to really lay it all out for him!!
Can you afford to hire a sitter part time? If you can at all swing it, I would make that a priority. Give up something else so that he can go to a sitters a few times a week. Maybe a teenager off for summer?
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sombrabella
Newbie
Posts: 49
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« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2010, 11:22:32 AM » |
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Thanks Holly I'm glad to know I'm somewhat normal  After I posted that I re-read it and thought, "wow, I sound like such a whiner!" But I really needed to vent, so I left it up. I think DH noticed how bad I was feeling because he has been helping out more these last few days, doing little things like unloading the dishwasher or picking up toys. Still, I wish family lived closer. Maybe I'm just overprotective, but I can't imagine leaving my baby with a teenager. Anyways a sitter just isn't in the budget right now because I'm not working, and probably will only return part-time maybe this fall. So until then, I'll have to manage with my little 2 hour getaways! |
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sunshinebaby
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« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2010, 01:09:53 PM » |
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I felt very similarly to you when my daughter was young (now almost 3). I was nursing her and by 2.5 months she recognized dh and I and wouldn't go to anyone else without hysterics. Dh really struggled when she was young to help out because he felt like he couldn't do anything right. She was certainly happiest with me, which made him feel inadequate. It wasn't until much later that we really talked about all of this and I realized why he always withdrew from helping me with her. The older and more responsive she got, the more he interacted and helped me. It was hard, but I would really sit down communicate what/why you need from him, and ask him what his feelings are on the situation. I knew that our daughter would likely cry (more) with dh, but I NEEDED just a little time for myself. Also, praise your dh whenever he does something right with the baby and/or offers to help in some way. I know how exhausting it is, and maybe he doesn't get all of that being away at work.
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sombrabella
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Posts: 49
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« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2010, 12:06:28 PM » |
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You're totally right. We've had a few short discussions about me needing more time to myself, but I think part of me still feels a measure of guilt about staying home full time. I guess I feel like since I'm not bringing in any money, I should be mostly responsible for our son's care (as well as all the housework and cooking). I never planned on staying home this long, but I also didn't plan on having a high-needs/fussy baby! I know I'm doing the right thing for him (and me), and I'm incredibly grateful to my husband for supporting us. I know he doesn't completely understand what it's like to be with Elliot all day...and I shouldn't expect him to read my mind. But sometimes I wish he would just offer to take care of him for an evening, or do a load of laundry, etc!
I also realize that he needs his own time to unwind from work, and we need time together as a couple (that one's REALLY difficult). How do you find the right balance and keep everyone happy and sane?
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gubble
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« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2010, 12:20:54 PM » |
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Oh my goodness, I am so sorry!!! I know exactly how you feel and I am going through it right now. My husband is going to school AND working full-time, which means I only see him from 9:30PM at the earliest when he comes home until we go to bed every night. On the weekends when he is home he tries to take care of the baby but our 7 mo, high need son just bawls his little heart out in the arms of anyone except me, so I always end up coming to his rescue (after about ummmm... 5 min? lol). It is so hard and I get upset with both my husband and the baby, but it's not their fault. It's just the way things are right now. Although I am staying at home, I also work from the house and sometimes I am resentful that my husband isn't here to give me a break from the baby so that I can actually focus on my job for an hour or two. Just last night I snapped at him and we got into an argument and I feel so bad. :-(
I think maybe part of the answer is that I have to change my expectations. I was expecting to have an easy baby (both myself and my husband were easy babies) and I was expecting to have more time for myself, but that's just not the reality and the sooner I can adjust my thinking the easier things will be.
Have you read Dr. Sears's Fussy Baby Book? I am reading it now and it is really encouraging. Good luck and hang in there!
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Hollyadmin
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« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2010, 08:41:31 PM » |
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Oh my goodness, I am so sorry!!! I know exactly how you feel and I am going through it right now. My husband is going to school AND working full-time, which means I only see him from 9:30PM at the earliest when he comes home until we go to bed every night. On the weekends when he is home he tries to take care of the baby but our 7 mo, high need son just bawls his little heart out in the arms of anyone except me, so I always end up coming to his rescue (after about ummmm... 5 min? lol). It is so hard and I get upset with both my husband and the baby, but it's not their fault. It's just the way things are right now. Although I am staying at home, I also work from the house and sometimes I am resentful that my husband isn't here to give me a break from the baby so that I can actually focus on my job for an hour or two. Just last night I snapped at him and we got into an argument and I feel so bad. :-(
I think maybe part of the answer is that I have to change my expectations. I was expecting to have an easy baby (both myself and my husband were easy babies) and I was expecting to have more time for myself, but that's just not the reality and the sooner I can adjust my thinking the easier things will be.
Have you read Dr. Sears's Fussy Baby Book? I am reading it now and it is really encouraging. Good luck and hang in there!
I think you hit the nail on the head re: expectations! If you hang on to the hopes and expectations you had of what your life would be like, it's like constantly being disappointed every time your baby doesn't live up to your expectation. It's really like a grieving process...learning to let go of what 'could have been', and making a conscious effort to focus on the good and unique traits your little one does have. |
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sombrabella
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Posts: 49
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« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2010, 01:06:18 PM » |
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Well, I definitely have let go of my expectations where my son is concerned...and I try hard to make allowances for other areas of my life (like learning to deal with little time alone, doing most of the housework, etc). What I'm having a hard time with is finding a balance I can live with. I still need some free time, and some help with chores would be nice! And I'm dying to just go on a date with my husband! I see him every day, but I miss him! But I don't have anyone to watch our son, and I can't afford a babysitter. I struggle every day wondering if I should get a part time job, whether or not it would be worth it or just complicate things. I hope I can find some answers soon.
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