mother-in-law debacle

[FebMommy]

So last night I had gone out with my husband for a couple hours while his parents babysat our three-month-old baby boy.  When I arrived home, my mother-in-law was sitting in the dark with the baby asleep on her lap and she had a strange expression on her face.  I asked "Is everything okay? Did you have fun? Was he difficult?" She responded, "No he wasn't difficult..i think there is something wrong with your (breast)milk" and she basically went on at length to say that my breastmilk was causing my baby's colic and that he is has a negative reaction to this. I was furious and hurt, but I couldn't stop thinking about what she had said.  Today I went to the pediatrician who upped my baby's Zantac and suggested I cut out dairy and nuts ( my two staples).  I am in love with my little boy, but colic or whatever this is...is overwhelming and depressing.  I feel helpless and exhausted.  I tend to my baby's cries all day and some of the night (strangely, nights are much better for him; days are really, really hard).  I hate having to change my diet, but of course will do whatever it takes to make him feel better.  I feel furious at my mother-in-law for her righteous, insensitive remarks and have not decided how to address this.  I had so hoped my baby would be past colic at three months but no such luck .  He is three months, one week.

[Hollyadmin]

First of all, babies act totally different when they're with someone else - sometimes worse, but usually better!! There is NOTHING wrong with your milk...that's ridiculous. Yes, there may be something you're eating that's bothering your son, but that doesn't mean that his colic is your fault, nor does it mean you should stop breastfeeding. Can I make a guess? Did she breastfeed her kids or bottle feed?

Don't lose hope that he will be better soon - colic is sometimes gone by 3 months, but the range is actually 3-4 months, so don't give up. Worst case scenario, colic is gone by 6 months. I've heard moms say their baby woke up one morning and their baby was smiling and happy and the colic had magically disappeared. Don't lose hope that that will happen!

[MDT]

As Holly said, there is nothing wrong with your breastmilk!  Please don't let your MIL discourage you from breastfeeding.  He probably just has a reaction to something you're eating. He's much better off on your milk than formula.  Trust me!  One of the worst things I did was give my son a bottle.

I would be angry, too.  I hate the insensitive remarks certain family members make or have made about what is wrong with my son.  People who never had to deal with a  colicky baby just don't understand.  At least you have plenty of support from people who DO understand here!

[fbsurvivor]

My mother made some suggestions in this regard as well, saying I had to stop eating anything that caused gas like onions and what not.  I did discover later that garlic was a big problem, but even that only made the level of fussiness different.

I think our mother's generation was told that everything was the mother's fault.  It is totally not your fault and feeling guilty and bad about it is not going to help your baby.  Did your MIL have any reasoning for her theory?

People said all kinds of things to me, but the fact that the nurses commented on my daughter's extreme temper within the first hour after her birth, I was pretty sure that if anything, my dd was pissed that she had been removed from the womb, not that anything we were doing was the problem.

Also, like Holly said, dealing with it day in and day out is a totally different experience than just a few hours.  Hang in there.

[FebMommy]

Thank you all for your supportive words.  It is wonderful to find others who understand..and to Holly's question, you are totally right.  She bottle-fed my husband and the reason was back in Russia where she gave birth she was told she had a low milk supply and to stop breastfeeding within a few weeks of his birth.  What a nightmare! I don't even think she realizes that this was completely WRONG and her supply could have easily been increased.  And though I knew all of this, her words still bore through me.  I have spent the last three months doing everything for my baby - bearing all manner of plugged ducts, nipple thrush, and shooting pains in my breasts - hearing those words negated all I had done, or even worse, turned all my gifts for my baby into poison.  I am not sure how nutty to get with respect to the elimination diet though.  Since all I eat is dairy, nuts, fish and soy..its a toughie.  I know I need to stop all milk, cheese, ice cream..but do I really need to check all the bread labels for whey?

[Hollyadmin]

Re: stopping all whey, etc., I don't know.  I'm on the fence. I would say stop all obvious dairy, and see if there's any improvement. If there's even a bit of improvement, it may be good to do the elimination diet for a week or two and see what happens.

Does your son have any physical symptoms, besides the crying?

[fbsurvivor]

My husband and I pretty much knew that it wasn't anything in the milk because my daughter came out of the womb screaming.  So, at the doctor's suggestion I did try taking out dairy, but it didn't do anything. The only thing I ever found, and just by luck really, was garlic.  That pretty much made my daughter go from crying to inconsolable.

Does your son have a lot of gas?  It might be helpful to determine if your son has colic, is high needs, or both.  Dr Sears "The Fussy Baby" book pretty much outlines the high needs description and Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Baby on the Block" deals with colic.

You are a hero for everything you've done to keep on breastfeeding.  It's crazy how hard it is and how hard we have to fight against societal pressures to do it.

[FebMommy]

Thank you both for your comments. 

Yes, my baby seems to have a lot of gas and can burp several (big) times after he nurses, will pass gas often and typically has noisy explosive liquid stools while he nurses that don't seem to upset him at all...months ago they were drier, mustardy, seedy, but progressively got more liquidy which didn't seem to concern the doc or the breast consultant who came once to my home for thrush. 

Sometimes there is mucous in the stool, though never blood.  He sometimes sounds a little congested and can have the most mild pink puffiness around his eyes (I read this is a symptom of milk allergy).  He can be fussy frequently and when he screams his belly feels hard and bloated and he draws his legs up as if in pain.  He occasionally spits up a large or tiny amt, but neither are that frequent.  I usually can soothe his cries, tho others have a lot of trouble/time doing so.  Still he does have periods of alert, smiley, interaction.  And sometimes there were easy days with little fuss (I thought he was a different baby and that we had left colic behind) but mostly he needs to be held and bounced, startles and awakens from naps easily and quickly, gulps when he nurses at least in the beginning.  Nights have always been the easiest and days the hardest..nights he nurses, sleeps and smiles with hardly any fuss or crying.  I have no idea what the difference is..maybe more milk ingested in the days and more irritation? We usually have one late night feed and one middle of the night..last night was nice....730pm, 1:30am and 6am.....with sleeping for much of the time in between.  Does this sound like colic or high needs? I will need to buy those books!

I also heard goat's milk is okay, but have heard conflicting info on this.  Any thoughts?

Thank you, Liza

[zavaldez]

It is horrible to hear people make negative comments about you because your baby has colic.  I was told something similar yesterday, but look at it this way, people who have never had a colicy baby will not understand that colic doesn't really have a cure, it's just present.  Your mother-in-law is very insensitive, but you have to deal with it because she is your mother-in-law.  Just be reassured that it is not your fault and if you are trying your best to calm your baby as best as you can, then you are doing a great job!

Stay positive!

[fbsurvivor]

My dd had bad gas, which I guess is typical of colic.  We researched gas a lot.  One thing that can cause gas is that gulping you're talking about.  I would check with La Leche League or a lactation consultant, but if your supply is pretty good, you might try expressing some milk first so that you aren't so full when your son first gets on to nurse.  We were also told that the pacifier and the screaming lead to gas. 

Apparently some people have had success with probiotics. I didn't know about this at the time. Others suggest bicycling their legs while on their back or baby massage.  We were also told to try a hot water bottle on her stomach, but we were never able to find a small one.  The bicycling and baby massage didn't work for us, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work for your baby.  We used Mylicon for awhile, but it didn't work all that well.  Honestly, we weren't all that successful with the gas, but I think the bouncing is helpful.  Some people like to use an exercise ball.

I think the goat's milk was OK, but I can't remember.  Your doctor should know.  You should definitely investigate the milk allergy.

[sunshinebaby]

   I HATE when people who have no clue think they can make comments about what is right/wrong with bfing.  It is hard not to question yourself when you have a fussy/high needs baby.  Sounds like you have a  lot of good suggestions.  I would highly recommend you contacting the Le Leche League.  They can be a great resource, in my opinion, even more so than a lot of pediatricians (mine seemed to make it worse.  Good luck!  You are a great mom and obviously care very much for your baby, keep doing what you are doing.

[Tiger Cub Tamer]

Hi FebMommy, my son was also born in February. My mother in law kept haranguing us that our baby must either be hungry or have gas.  I would bristle when listening to her in the other room as she tried to fit the behavior she was witnessing into what made sense in her framework.  She even said that she thought her son had had colic as a baby (and gave him goat milk formula), but our son Mr. Cub was way more extreme than anything she had seen or dealt with before. 

My husband and I kept trying to explain to her that we had already eliminated those explanations.  For example, I stopped breastfeeding directly and instead pumped milk and supplemented so that I could be sure it wasn't hunger.  My son has rolls of fat on his thighs but my mother in law still kept muttering, "maybe he's hungry...?" 

Also, I think there's a limit on how far the whole gas/reflux/allergy/fissure issues go to explaining this behavior.  There were a few times that Mr. Cub was upset by gas, and we would pump his legs and help him fart, but those cries were different than the tantrums we're all talking about.  Besides, if gas was the reason, then why would he stop his meltdown the second we took him outside?  For a little while I eliminated everything objectionable from my diet (and discovered that I actually like rice milk, btw) but that didn't do anything to fix the raging.  Mylicon didn't change it either.  After a while it just doesn't make sense -- if beans and dairy were really the sole cause of this behavior, then why isn't the whole subcontinent of India known for inconsolable babies?

Bless anyone who is able to help their baby by eliminating foods and giving them medicine, but based on our observations, Mr. Cub was not reacting to a physical cause.  But it is a bitter pill to swallow when your own family continues to insist otherwise.

--Tiger Cub Tamer