How My Marriage Survived Colic

Sometimes I really wonder how we made it through. Sometimes I look back on those days and wonder how I managed to come out on the other side with my sanity and my marriage intact.

But here we are, 2.5 years and another child later and we’re still together, so obviously we did something right.

I remember when I was in the thick of it, asking my mother how in the world she and my dad survived. She looked at me like I was nuts, but then she understood. It’s not that I don’t think a marriage can survive colic. It’s just that I was sure that 37 years ago when my mom was dealing with it, there were far fewer resources to help her, and back then, men didn’t commonly take the brunt of child rearing. I knew that handling my colicky brother fell almost completely on my mother’s shoulders.

I couldn’t imagine how she wasn’t resentful, or how she didn’t feel isolated and alone. How did they survive?

She flat out told me how difficult it was for her. My father was just in the early days of a career that involved shmoozing so he was out ‘networking’ when she’d be home with her screaming son.

In fact, my mother had to give up her career because back then, you were only entitled to 6 weeks of maternity leave and she didn’t trust anyone would be able to ‘love’ her son through the colic and care for him the way he needed to be cared for.

My mother said she just did. That was her response to my question. “We just did.” Because ultimately that’s what getting through those days are about. Survival.

37 years later, my parents are still married, the colic a distant memory. They survived.

And so did my husabnd and I. I credit many things for helping us get through. Mostly, I think it was that my husabnd understood that I was in hell, and picked up as much slack as he physically could. He did take hours on the night shift. He did help organize a ‘kidnapping’ by my friends to get me out of the house.

But we did hit a wall. We did get to a point where we were both so physically and emotionally drained that sometimes I wondered if he’d go out and to pick up milk and never come back.

He always did come back though. Maybe he knew that it wouldn’t always be so hard. Maybe he believed there was a light at the end of the tunnel that I just couldn’t see. Maybe it was his committment to our family.

Whatever it was, I’m glad he gave us a chance. I’m glad he didn’t run, arms flailing.

It is so hard parenting a high needs kid. Especially when it’s your first and you’re still negotiating being a parent for the first time and you’re thrown into a situation where you need to learn new roles and new coping mechanisms.

The new demands of a little being are hard enough; the sleep deprivation, the dependance, the feeling that you don’t have any clue what you’re doing. Throw into the mix a screaming child and it can try even the strongest marriage.

It is naive to say that coping with a high needs baby won’t put a strain on a marriage. The key is to find a way to try to remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. But how can you remember to care for your marriage when it’s hard enough to find time to care for yourself?

I think what got us through was leaning on each other, rather than fighting each other. Not that we didn’t fight. I’d be lying if I said it was all rainbows. It was anything but. But we did take shifts, constantly. I’d hold my screaming kid until I was at my wits end, and then pass her off. My husband would do the same. We tried hard to never let the other burn out.

We also asked for help. We weren’t too proud to say it was as hard as it was.

I remember once calling my mother at 7:30 in the morning saying that I didn’t care how many people she and my dad needed to bring with them to help but that we NEEDED them to watch our daughter so that we could get and have some private time together. We needed it individually. We needed it as husband and wife.

That Saturday my parents, my brother, sister in law and then 4 year old niece showed up to watch my daughter, and my husabnd and I sat on a patio at 3:30 in the afternoon and shared the best pitcher of beer either of us had ever had. We felt human. We felt like a married couple.

I am forever grateful that we had family around to help. But if we didn’t, we would have called friends. We would have called anyone who was willing to give us what we so desperately needed.

There are no magic words, and no magic method that will keep you from letting a high needs child get the better of you and of your marriage. The goal is to survive, endure and perservere and to remember that you’re in this together.

Love created that blessed child. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that when said blessing is screaming in your face. They key is making the remembering a priority.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.