The other day, an acquaintance of Julie’s asked for help with her child’s sleep through a posting on Facebook. Instead of help, she got a link to Dangers of Crying it Out: Damaging children and their relationships for the long term, by Dr. Darcia Narvaez.

When Julie told me, I sighed, gritted my teeth, then swore under my breath (I understand Holly also had choice words for this article).

This wasn’t the first time I had seen such an article. In fact I’ve seen quite a few of them since our journey into parenthood began nearly 4 years ago. It also wasn’t the first time I’d seen them circulated between mothers as advice or “information.” They all have two things in common:

1. they tend to be pseudo science at best and unsubstantiated opinion at worst; and
2. they ooze self-righteous indignation (as though parents who let their children cry are somehow too lazy or unwilling to follow through with more humane alternatives).

Last winter I ranted about a similar article on my blog, and I would like to share an excerpt of that entry, as I believe it is pertinent to parents – especially mothers, of fussy babies:

Last week, Julie opened a message from the owner of her favourite baby store that read: “This article explains how crying-it-out leads to sleep in infants — it’s not because it ‘teaches’ them to sleep!”

The article, entitled, Why I no longer believe babies should cry themselves to sleep is a set of arrogant assumptions that, when read by new mothers, can greatly heighten anxiety and make their decisions more difficult.

I’ll let you read it for yourself, but it essentially argues, with no reference to supporting evidence, that “the implicit message an infant receives from having her cries ignored is that the world — as represented by her caregivers — is indifferent to her feelings.” He also writes that when parents allow their children to cry themselves to sleep, “the short-term goal of the exhausted parents has been achieved, but at the price of harming the child’s long-term emotional vulnerability.”

I won’t pretend for a moment that Julie and I don’t have a particular sensitivity to this topic. We were left with no choice with Chloe but to let her cry herself to sleep. She had had wicked colic, and at 5 months old it was the only way to allow her and us to sleep and to regain our sanity. Before sleep training, the girl looked like a wasted heroin addict (think Trainspotting).

After sleep training, her mood improved dramatically and she started to smile regularly. She was happier because we had managed to get her some sleep. As for co-sleeping? Great if it works for you. It didn’t for us.

One thing I’m confident of with both girls (and as a nail-biting, nervous father, believe me I looked for it), is that they very rarely cried because they felt abandoned or because they needed us in any real sense.

A mother and father get to know their child’s cries the longer they know their child, and although there were a few times we wish we had gone in sooner because we detected distress in a cry, most nights our children only cried in frustration at trying to fall asleep or out of frustration at being told they had to go back to sleep.  When I go in at night to tell Emily she must go back to sleep, she protests in anger. She knows what I’m asking, and she’d rather not. Yet every morning, Emily wakes up smiling and cooing. She is the happiest baby on the block.

Do I have any concrete evidence to back up my sense that my kids don’t feel abandoned when I let them cry? No, of course not. But fact isn’t apparently what counts in these battles. They are battles of “you think, I think.’ And, let’s face it. They are really battles of who thinks who’s a better mother.

As the good doctor has demonstrated, a man of science need not feel compelled to back his assumptions with evidence before sharing them with the world. Other doctors who, for example, argued that schizophrenia is the result of “refrigerator mothers” (or that hysteria could be cured with a vibrator) come to mind.

The danger this type of speculation poses can be very real when it is passed to new and sometimes vulnerable moms as fact. Julie opened the article, not just to stick her tongue in a sore tooth (which is unfortunately an all too human temptation), but to see if there was some new research that might make us take pause when it comes to our approach to sleep. What she got instead was a link to baseless opinion, cloaked in supposed medical expertise.

And the babyshop owner / mother who shared it? What was her motive? I can only guess some sort of self-gratifying vindication of her own mothering approach.

So why is it that some mothers feel the need to share their unsolicited opinions on parenting so openly and aggressively? (I’ve been harangued myself on the street and in parks by mothers too willing to tell me what I’m doing wrong) — I propose, and I invite comment on this, that mothers who tell other mothers how to parent do so out of a deep insecurity about their own parenting abilities — a sort of, see, I’m doing it right because you’re doing it wrong.

I suspect I’m not the first person to suggest this, but I’d like to suggest it, strongly, as a father, to mothers out there because I feel that this behaviour has led to a very unfortunate and detrimental environment for many mothers.

Just to be sure that the landscape hadn’t changed since the last time I’d written on this matter, I went through the torture of reading Dr. Narvaez’ article. But of course, nothing has changed. This article has nothing more to back it up than any of the others I’ve read. And yet these opinion pieces are passed on as gospel, seemingly without the least concern for the effects they might have on new mothers.

Dr. Narvaez purports to be a psychologist and yet she presents none of the scientific research that would normally be used to back up her conclusions. It seems that with this topic, conjecture is enough.

This issue is not just about the parents. Children need sleep to grow and develop. For those who pass these articles on to mothers of young children, you should ask yourselves for whom you are doing it.

Then ask yourselves, what if you couldn’t get your child to sleep properly anywhere – with you or in a crib, no matter how hard you tried?

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

Photo courtesy of pcioca

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I have been doing this parenting thing for just about three years now, and as I go along I realize that a lot of what people said to me before I had kids, often ad nauseum, seems to have turned out to be untrue, an exaggeration, or an understatement.

The number of cliches I heard or suggestions I was offered, while well intentioned, have proven to be misguided. I was sure I could navigate and anticipate so much more than it turns out I was able to, mostly because I banked on or assumed that things would unfold in a certain way.

Well, turns out no one passed my kids, or my body, the memo. It also appears a lot of my friends didn’t get the memo either.

So I’ll happily debunk these myths. Or at least qualify them. Every new parent should be armed with the best preparation and coffee pots possible.

One cup of coffee will be enough

I have friends who never touched a cup of coffee a day in their life until they had kids. Now they own a Keurig, a Tassimo, a 14 cup machine, and are on a first name basis with the local Tim Hortons and Starbucks employees. Chances are, if you didn’t like coffee before, it’ll be your best friend soon.

You will never sleep again

I can not count the number of times I’ve heard this one. Yes, sleep will be different, no doubt. And in the early days, it will be scarce. But eventually these 5am happy toddlers will become teens who need to be dragged out of bed and then we’ll be frustrated by that. You WILL sleep again. Eventually.

Boxes of wine are just for parties

I’m not saying you NEED to have wine. I am saying that after a long day entertaining and/or attempting to settle a child, it’s nice to have to have easy access to a tall glass of relaxation.

Nine months up, nine months down

Some people leave the hospital after having their baby wearing their pre-pregnancy jeans. Most though, do not. My son is past the nine month mark and I’m still trying to kick these last pounds. I’ll be 35 this week and my mother says she is still trying to kick the last pounds from me.

She who looks like you, will be like you

Look at this comparison shot:

The nifty 70s outfit and the super safe-looking car seat might give it away, but in case it’s not otherwise obvious, the picture on the right is my daughter and the left is me. We share a face, even more so now as she gets older, but that kid is her dad through and through.

Television is not there to be a babysitter

Except, sometimes, it is the best and cheapest one available.

A year of maternity leave isn’t enough

Okay, this one is a toughie. The reality is that for a lot of people it just isn’t enough. Lots of women would stay home if only money would allow. But what I didn’t realize is that I, personally, was a better mommy for my daughter when I was back in the work force. I have quite a few friends who chose to go back to work early, and a few who never planned on taking more than six months in the first place, and didn’t regret it.

I acknowledge that people in the United States would kill for the chance to have the leave we are granted in this country, and I am grateful for it. I also acknowledge that not everyone wants to take advantage of it.

Sleep training works in days, just do it already!

It is true, that for a lot of children, they just need to be shown how to sleep. What isn’t true, though, is that any kid can be sleep trained in three nights. Everyone told me that, and there was some truth to it for my kids, but for a lot of people I know it took a lot longer than that.

Last time I checked there wasn’t a one size fits all anything for any kid. Any method that doesn’t account for different personalities (read: ability to hold out and scream for HOURS) does parents a disservice and makes them think they’re doing something wrong, when in reality, their kids are just more persistent.

Newborns are adorable

All I’ll say about this is that one of my friends said it best when she said that she was glad mother nature blinded her from seeing how scrawny and wrinkly her baby was until the point when her baby was finally adorable.

Your baby will sleep soooooooooooooooooo much better when they start solids

…or if you give cereal before bed…or if you put cereal in the nighttime bottle…I only have anecdotal evidence to back me up here, but it’s mostly untrue. It can work. But more often than not, it doesn’t change a thing.

You will change a million poopy diapers a day

I had no idea that some little kids only go once a week! My son went every four days. One thing is for certain, sadly but truly, the focus on your child’s digestive system is borderline obsessively insane in the early days. I used to call my husband on poo day to advise him of the dirty diaper’s arrival. I also ended each of those phone calls with “I used to be cool.”

The car will be your saviour

If your baby is crying, just strap them in for a ride!” I honestly think the only place my child cried more than she did at home, is when I had the audacity to strap her into the car seat. It can work. But it is definitely not a miracle cure for all. Even though I was promised it was.

The Terrible Twos are the worst

Funny, but before I had kids I had never heard anything but that. Along comes my kids and all of a sudden all of my friends with older kids were all ‘oh, but wait until the Trying Threes!’ And I can’t share what the Fours are called in polite company. I think, as you navigate each wonderful stage of development, that they all have their challenges. They are challenging in different ways, and some will be more challenging on some parents than on others, and some kids will navigate some stages better than others. I was a great obedient, studious teenager. But I’m pretty sure my parents could have done without me from ages 18-22.

You will just somehow know what you’re doing

Everyone told me before my kids were born that I’ll just figure it out. Learn as I go. Meanwhile, almost three years in, I am pretty much flying by the seat of my pants. I don’t find parenting intuitive. I find it a big long practice of trial and error.

For all of the cliches, and there are many, so far I have only found one to hold true.

Blink and you’ll miss it! They grow so fast!

This is, of course, not to be confused with ‘”enjoy it while you can,” because that is sometimes impossible when you have a screaming newborn or a tantruming toddler. But it is true that the older they get, the faster time seems to fly.

In the early days of being a parent, when I was stressed and at my wit’s end, a good friend said to me the days are long, but the years are short. And while those days, at the time, seemed to have gone on forever, likewise, they were a lifetime ago.

So despite not just magically knowing what I’m doing, I do know this: Through trial and error, a heck of a lot of wine, and plenty of commiseration from other mothers, I think my children and I are figuring it all out – together.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.

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Some of my worst memories from when my kids were babies are related to sleep.

I’m pretty sure I have a tiny bit of PTSD from listening to them cry in their cribs and having NO CLUE what to do about it.

Now and again I find myself thinking, ‘I should have just relaxed and not made such a big deal out of it‘. But if I let myself remember for a moment what it was like holding and rocking a cranky, overtired, sleep-resisting, squirmy, sweaty baby, I remember why I couldn’t ‘just relax‘.

One memory comes back to me vividly and often: Aliya was about 6 months old, and as usual was resisting her nap. I had sat with her in the rocking chair for probably an hour, and the crying was just intensifying. Her little eyes were red and puffy, and it was obvious she was desperately overtired. But yet she fought.

Finally I put her in her crib, shut the door, and slid down the wall next to her room until I was in a heap on the floor. She was screaming in her bed, and I cried right along with her. After a while of this, our upstairs landlord even called to make sure everything was OK. No, it wasn’t OK at all…I was exhausted, at the end of my rope, and had no idea how to help her sleep.

So, I won’t say I have the answer for how to get your baby to sleep. There is no one answer. And with fussy babies, you all know that what works today often won’t work tomorrow.

That said, there are some basic strategies I believe often help, and can’t hurt to try. At the very least, it will give you something to try if you’re in that place of desperation.

Try an Ultra-Early Bedtime

My daughter sucked at napping until she was about a year old. But one thing she did well right from about 6 weeks on was to sleep well at night (maybe because she was so exhausted from not napping).

We noticed that the evenings were when she was at her fussiest, and really, she was just unmanageable at times. She was so obviously tired, but we were scared to put her down too early for fear she would wake up a couple of hours later, or wake up ultra-early the next morning.

What we found however, was that she usually went to sleep much easier, usually didn’t wake up several hours later, and actually SLEPT IN LATER the next morning. I have heard the same story time and time again from parents.

Marc Weissbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and Your Fussy Baby talks about giving your sleep-resisting baby a chance to catch up on sleep at the beginning of the night, rather than expecting them to sleep in later in the morning (because we know that just doesn’t happen).

Aliya’s standard bedtime was around 6pm AIC (ass-in-crib), or even earlier if she was extra-fussy. When Sammy came along, we used an early bedtime for him as well (not right at the beginning, but once he had a bit more of a routine).

He has always been an early-riser (sometimes 4-5am), so if we didn’t give him an early bedtime, he would have been even more sleep-deprived (Note: Sam is 5 now, and regularly sleeps in until 7-8am. There is hope!).

Shorten the Amount of Awake Time Between Naps

Especially at the beginning, you’d be surprised at how much sleep these little ones actually need to function properly.

Sure, if you have an ‘easy baby’, you can get awake with a few hours of awake time. But with fussy babies, I’d definitely say the shorter, the better.

As newborns, they may only be able to handle 20 minutes of awake, alert time, and then it’s time to soothe them back to sleep (especially if it takes a while to soothe them). As they get a bit bigger, 30-60 minutes, and even as older babies, some kids can only handle 1.5 hours of awake time before going down again.

It’s crazy, but true. At least this is the way it was with mine.

If your baby is resisting naps but is obviously overtired and needs to sleep, try reducing their awake time until you notice they fall asleep a little easier. Now you’re getting closer to figuring out how long they can comfortably be awake.

Cat-Napper? Put Him or Her Down More Often

Although Sammy was the ultimate fusspot, naps were one of his (few) strong suits. I knew that if I wore him in a sling and kept moving, he would usually get the sleep he needed.

Aliya on the other hand, would not sleep in a car, plane, train, carrier, sling, in my bed, or anywhere but her crib. By herself (one of the few exceptions is the picture above).

And during the day, she would nap 45 minutes – never a minute more, never a minute less. And when she would wake up, she was just as fussy as when she went down.

And basically because I couldn’t deal with being with a baby who was grumpy ALL DAY, I would put her down for 4 45-minute naps each nap. Mainly because I needed the break. It was torture having to go through our elaborate soothing routine 4 times a day, but I strongly believed that sleep begets sleep, and if I just gave up and let her stay awake, her sleep would spiral out of control.

I know if you have older kids, it may not be possible for you to do this. But I’d encourage to keep trying to help them get their rest, any way you can.

Which brings us to my last strategy…

Do Whatever it Takes to Help Your Child Sleep

Will your baby sleep beside you? On top of you? Attached to you? Let him.

What about in the car, stroller, or carrier? Do it.

Don’t worry about people criticizing you or saying you’re spoiling him. Fussy babies have trouble self-soothing, yet they need sleep more than other babies. Do whatever you have to do.

There comes a time when they’re a bit older when it’s time to help them learn to self-soothe, fall asleep on their own, etc, etc., but when they’re really little and fussy, you have enough to worry about. Don’t even worry about it until your baby is at least 6-8 months old (this is my personal opinion, I know some would disagree).

We laid down with Sammy until he was about 2.5, but you know what? He slept. We all slept. And then when we stopped being able to sleep, he was old enough that we could gently teach him how to fall asleep on his own.

While I know you can’t ‘just relax’, do try to remember that this stage will pass. It ALWAYS does.

Don’t feel guilty about ‘spoiling them’, teaching bad habits, or doing whatever it is your gut tells you is right. Sometimes these are the only ways to survive this stage of infant-hood.

Are you struggling with sleep issues? Have you tried any of the strategies above? Do they work for you?

Need personalized sleep-strategies for your baby? We recommend Rebecca Michi – She specializes in helping you help your fussy or high-need baby sleep, without crying it out. Contact her today!

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We’ve been on vacation in Florida now for about 2 weeks, which is why I haven’t posted lately.

(By the way, to any American readers, I am very jealous that you have Florida. Thank you for sharing it with us. The warmest we’ve got is Victoria, and it rains there all winter.)

We have travelled a fair bit with our kids, and this trip got me thinking about how it might be useful for us to share with other parents what we’ve learned from travelling with our young children.

If you have a colicky baby, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I even consider getting in a car or on a plane to go someplace different? I’m barely keeping it together at home, where everything’s familiar and I have all the equipment.”

Well, you know how they say that sometimes a change is as good as a rest? It couldn’t be more true when it comes to travelling with a high need child, especially since rest is out of the question. And we know from experience. We did it at the height of Chloe’s colic.

So what can you do to make life easier while travelling with a high need child? Well, if your child is colicky (i.e. less than 4 months old), not a darn thing. The kid’s not on a sleep schedule anyway. You weren’t sleeping at home and you probably won’t sleep on your trip either.

But hey, you’ll have lots to do to distract you from your chronic fatigue. It worked for us… and it was surprising how much sleep we were able to get Chloe while walking around a town or through a forest with Chloe snuggled up in a carrier. As for high need kids who are old enough to be on a schedule, here are some tips that might help make your trip as pleasant as possible.

Get a place where you can put the little one in his/her own room if that’s how they sleep at home.

This tip is pretty important. If you’re staying in a motel room with no extra room for a baby, what are you going to do during naps and in the evenings, huddle under a blanket with a flashlight and book?

But don’t worry, you don’t need to get a mansion in order to get baby his own space. Stay at B&Bs where there are common rooms for you to sneak away to with a monitor or make sure there’s a walk-in closet for the baby. We have used walk-in closets on many occasions. One time, we had no choice but to put Chloe in her portable crib in the ensuite bathroom… we didn’t drink much water that night.

Stay in one place

Believe me, as interesting as all of those places sound, this is not the time for a driving tour. All kids (and even adults) need consistency and regularity. But spirited children thrive on it. Remember, these kids are easily overwhelmed. Chloe loves adventures, but she needs a certain amount of predictability in order to cope and to feel secure.

Having a home base for the duration of your trip helps to provide this security. For example, the first couple of nights on this trip she had significant trouble settling at night as she was obviously nervous being in a new place. But after a few nights, she felt more at home and went to bed easily.

Try to stick to sleep schedules

This won’t always be possible, but you’ll have a much better time when you can. This tip applies to some extent to all kids, but with high-needs children, a change in sleep pattern can really throw them off. When there is something special you want to do, go ahead and put the little one down late. Just remember that you might pay for it in the middle of the night or early the next morning.

Also, be careful where you choose to go. If you have lots to do in close proximity to where you are, it will be easy to get out and do something and still make it back in time for naps. Where a longer drive is needed, try to arrange a nap in the car.

We’ve all heard of those people that take their little ones with them everywhere, even to a 9:00 o’clock dinner, with no problem. But we don’t have these kids, and it’s easier simply to acknowledge it. Even if we were to take Chloe now to a late dinner, it would be a miserable experience – she’d crash and burn by 7:30.

A lot of places have secure babysitting networks, and even hotels often offer this service. If you want to go out for dinner, try for an option that lets your child go to bed on time.

See if you can rent baby equipment where you’re going

Many cities have agencies that offer this service. You can get everything you need without worrying about how you’re going to carry it all through the airport. Sometimes renting equipment can be worth every penny.

Set realistic expectations

This isn’t your honeymoon. Don’t plan to see all of the best museums in Paris. Instead, get to know a few playgrounds too. We didn’t get to see everything when we were in Nice for three months last year, but we are confident that we know the area playgrounds better than any other tourists!

And Chloe does like art galleries and museums – but in very small doses. Most cities have free days for museums. Try dropping in on those days.

Be prepared to be surprised

One of the most interesting surprises from our trip to Nice was finding that Chloe has a fascination for churches. I wrote a post about it on my blog. Much to my delight, Chloe asked to stop at every church we passed. We’d go inside, look around, and I’d answer all of her questions. It was an unexpected joy we wouldn’t have known had we not gone away.

Don’t be daunted in the face of a trip. Be prepared and know what to expect from your children before you go. You may be surprised at how well things go.

As I mentioned, we took Chloe on a trip (to B.C.) during her most colicky period. We had a connection in Toronto and almost abandoned the trip there. We’re glad we didn’t. The trip was just what we needed to step back from our misery and see that the world was still turning and that there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that life still goes on after colic.

Travelling can remind you that the world’s still waiting for you and your family when you’re ready.

Sean Sutton lives in Ottawa, Canada with his wife and two children, Chloe and Emily. He spent much of this year on paternity leave following Emily’s birth and started a blog to document his experience.

Photo Credit: Michelle Meiklejohn

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Whether you are a mommy or a daddy, you have an unexplainable inner knowledge of what is best for your child as well as what is absolutely NOT.

Sometimes it is a tiny whisper in the back of your brain that suggests you need to talk to your pediatrician. Sometimes it is a lion’s roar screaming, “This is not right for my baby!”

My Mommy Gut sounded off loudly when my son was an infant because his constant crying communicated to me that something was wrong. And there was.

I just found out last week at his first chiropractor appointment that some vertebrae in his neck were twisted sideways most likely since birth. He’s two now!!!

All the ear infections he had were most likely caused by this. Some of his crying was in response to a literal pain in the neck. I found out I was taking him to the wrong place, but my guts were correct in believing there was more going on with my baby than colic.

Dominic has also been fussy into toddlerhood, which obviously isn’t colic at this point. He has a significant speech delay where he tries to speak but does so with his mouth closed.

He can say eat, Baba (Momma), Da Da, sissy (thirsty), unk (milk), ep (help) and sit.

He tried to speak entire sentences but mostly it comes out in a series of muffled vowels with no approximation involved. We see a speech therapist who thinks his stubbornness and low stress tolerance are impeding his ability to speak.

I agree to a point, but my Mommy Gut was telling me to dig further. Looking up speech delay had me reading articles about dairy and gluten sensitivities. As I read more, I discovered that Dominic’s symptoms fit very well into the category of food sensitivity or allergy, specifically symptoms of a dairy issue.

As I am part of a parenting partnership, I have to run these ideas past my husband who doesn’t always see eye to eye with my theories. Our parental guts aren’t always in sync and that is okay.

After taking my son to the chiropractor and discussing my theory with her, she validated my suspicions and suggested we try eliminating dairy for three weeks. She explained how it can take that long to see a difference.

I am elated to be noting an improvement in his speech over the last week! Could this be coincidental? Yes it could. Only time will tell. I’m hoping to see an improvement in his stress tolerance and irritability too so he can be that happy tot I see bits and pieces of every day.

On the subject of fussy behavior, which we’ve been dealing with to a greater or lesser degree for Dominic’s two years of existence, it seems everyone has an opinion on how to handle it. Most of the time, to my shock, people have suggested that my child is manipulating me purposely and that I should, as his mother, practice some ignoring.

My Mommy Gut has always had, and will always have, a huge issue with that. The core of my being, every cell of my body, every belief I have tells me to be here for my child even if he’s flailing around on the floor in fury and won’t stop crying for a half hour straight.

I have tried popular theories like ignoring his tantrums. I have news – My kid has little legs that run right after me if I walk away from him. And he gets even more upset! He will escalate without help. I know this about him. That method might, and probably does work with some toddlers, but not mine.

I believe without question that Dominic has feelings behind his actions that need attention. I don’t give the behavior attention. I focus on his feelings. This is how I will always parent and I think it will be an asset to him as he gets older because he will always know he has someone in his corner.

Not every child grows up feeling like that and trust in others can’t be replaced easily once it is lost.

I will never regret holding my baby too often. That is not going to damage him. That is what my gut tells me and I trust that more than anyone else’s opinion because I have a connection with my child that no one else will ever have. I carried him inside of me, which gives me the right to trust my insides when his needs are concerned.

We all have that innate knowledge- our Parental Gut. I write this to inspire you to trust what you know in your heart is right, and to distrust others advice if you feel it to be wrong for your little one.

Children are not “one-size-fits-all.” I think a holistic approach is the best way to investigate any issue a child is having. Nutrition, nurturing and naps….That’s how I roll with my little guy.

Some days are easier than others, but I will continue to practice what I believe and to trust my gut unless I have a damn good reason not to.

Amanda is the owner of Ready or Not – A Baby Planning Service. She is in love with her toddler and her husband and derives much of her writing inspiration from her family experiences. To learn more about Amanda and what she does to help pregnant and new parents, please check out her website at www.readyornotbabyplanning.com.

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Parenting is hard. Being a mom or a dad, is hard.

Pulling that battery out of your 8 month old’s mouth? Easy choice.

How to handle epic tantrums? Not so easy.

The thing about parenting is that most decisions we make are fraught with indecision, weighing pros and cons and, ultimately, uncertainty about whether or not we are doing the right thing.

When my daughter cried non-stop, I wasn’t sure if I was making a bad decision opting to co-sleep. When I was concerned that maybe my milk was low in supply or had something in it that was upsetting her, I wrestled with whether or not I should wean. And when I chose to give my daughter formula, I struggled with whether or not I made the right choice.

What I didn’t understand then, is that the choice I end up making, the one I’ve come to terms with, IS the right choice.

It doesn’t need to be the right choice for someone who chooses differently, but that doesn’t make it the wrong choice for me.

I try to be laid back about other people’s choices. I am a very ‘live and let live’ kind of person. If you enjoy sharing your bed with your husband, two young kids, a dog and a cat, more power to you. It’s not wrong if it is okay with you.

All I ask in return is that I’m not made to feel like I’m doing something bad by my children by insisting they sleep in their cribs.

I have yet to meet a parent who makes a choice that I wouldn’t personally make, where they said ‘I don’t’ really care if this seriously screws up my child for life.’

I’m pretty certain that most parents who opt for breast feeding until their children are 2.5 or older, or parents who confidently give a bottle from day one, both love their children equally and are doing what they feel is right and best.

Neither are weird, neither are neglectful and neither should judge the other for their choice.

And yet, as often happens, both moms will get judged, sometimes by each other, and often by onlookers. It happens all too often. I’ve witnessed it many many times. You can’t win. You can’t please everyone.

Co-sleep, you’re indulgent. Insist on the crib from day one, you’re not respecting your child’s need to be close to mommy and daddy. Let your child cry it out, you’re neglectful. Refuse to let your child cry it out, your masochistic. Breastfeed, you’re glued to your baby. Bottle feed, you’re feeding your baby poison (yes, I’ve actually been told this before).

The list, sadly, goes on and on. The number of ways we can ignore or indulge our children’s needs never ends.

So how on earth are we expected to know what the right answer is?

Dr. Spock has it right. He may have written in a very different generation, a very different reality, but his insight is timeless. Because it is true, every parent is different and every child is different, and every circumstance is different.

A mother isn’t better off breast feeding if she resents it.

A parent isn’t better off at home full-time with their child if they don’t enjoy it and prefer being out in the paid work force.

Leaving your child to cry isn’t best if it’s impossible for you to stomach.

No choice is the right choice if it feels wrong. So I chose to make my decisions based on what is right for me.

When I broke out my bottle while my girlfriends broke out their breastfeeding pillows, I stopped feeling guilty and realized we were all feeding our children. And I stopped caring that I was doing it differently.

I’m sure I’ll mess things up along the way. I know I’m not a perfect parent. But I also know that there is no such thing. Every parent makes decisions for themselves and their children that they feel are best for them. We all love our children and want to do what’s right.

My choice might not be yours. And I might even find your choice weird. But as long as you think it’s right, who cares what I think? I might not always be 100% confident in the choices I make, but I am 100% confident that I am making my choices with the best of intentions.

Once I realized there is no such thing as a perfect parent, I released some of the pressure to keep trying to be one.

I don’t have to be perfect.

I just have to be good enough.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.

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“The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new.”
- Rajneesh

I’d like to say I’m the boss. I’d like to say that after almost three years, I am finally getting the hang of this whole parenting thing.

Truth is, every day is a new challenge. And every day I find myself trying to decide if I should laugh or cry.

I have children who are full of spirit. They laugh and cry with more emotion than most other kids I’ve met. That results in the highs being really high, but the lows being really low.

Yesterday, for example, my older child, my wonderful daughter, was being incredibly disobedient. She was disobient to the point where I wanted to cry from frustration. She wouldn’t listen. She wouldn’t co-operate. Threats and punishment meant nothing to her.

So, while we drove home from the library where she had just made a scene, I said, full of anger, ‘Mommy is very dissapointed in you! You would not listen to me and you would not behave!’

In response, in her sweet 3 year old voice, she said “I’m sorry mommy.”

What am I supposed to do with that? Be okay with the craziness that happened just minutes before? Forgive all? Move on? Or, should I remain angry?

Regardless of whatever my head was saying I should feel, my heart melted. And as my heart melted, I got even more frustrated.

How can someone I love so much make me so frustrated?

I survived colic!  So shouldn’t this be easy? I should have the patience of a saint, but I don’t.

What I do have now are those sweet moments to temper the frustrating ones.  Which I’m grateful for. Which I rely on. The thing about parenting a spirited kid, or any child for that matter, is that they have a full hold on your emotions.

A great day can be ruined by your tantruming kid. But, at the same time, a horrible day can be saved by your child’s hug.

At the end of each day, I go to sleep knowing I’m a parent. Whether it was disciplining or playing, reprimanding or hugging, being frustrated or having my heart melt, I was a parent.

And, because I’m a parent, I fall prey to all of the associated frustrations and the trying times. But, because I’m a parent, I’m also privy to all of the rewards, the joys, the smiles, the hugs and the love.

That’s why my heart melts through the frustrations.

Because I’m ‘Mommy’.

Leslie lives in Toronto with her husband, her 2 and a half year old daughter and 6 month old son. She is presently on maternity leave and enjoying the hectic and harried life with two young children.

Photo Credit: Simmbarb

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