Why It’s Not “Just” Colic or Fussiness
I loved Sophie’s last post on how parents of fussy, colicky or high need kids are part of an exclusive club.
Without having thought of it in those terms before, that’s exactly what it’s like: The club that no one ever asked to join.
And while I’m the first to acknowledge that we need to feel thankful and blessed to have a healthy baby, simply shoving down our frustrations and covering them over with a ‘well, at least my baby is healthy’, or ‘things could be worse’, is just not helpful.
Glossing over the very real, very frustrating, very life-changing circumstances of having a fussy child doesn’t do anyone any good.
Not acknowledging how very hard it is leads to very angry, very sad, very isolated moms and dads. And I don’t think anyone thinks that’s a good thing.
How many times has someone said to you, “it’s just colic”?
Or how many times have you felt judged because you were ‘spoiling’ your child, or ‘letting’ your child call the shots?
Well if you find anyone saying these things to you, please send them to me.
I’ll set them straight.
I’ll explain exactly why it’s not ‘just’ colic or fussiness.
The Sleep Deprivation
I have heard almost-unbelievable stories of sleep deprivation among parents of non-sleeping babies.
Many, many fussy, colicky or ‘spirited’ babies and toddlers tell me that there child wakes up to 12 times per night.
12. times. per. night.
In my mind, this is pretty much akin to torture. When Sammy was a newborn, he slept in 45 minute increments. Feed for 45 minutes, sleep for 45 minutes.
Do you think I slept peacefully for those 45 minutes? No, I lay there, my stomach in knots, wondering when he was going to wake up screaming.
But I could catch up on sleep during the day? I was lucky in that my son napped. Many high need babies do not (or if they do, sleep only very short stretches). But with a 2.5 year old toddler? No naps for me.
The sleep deprivation (and I don’t use this term lightly) alone is enough to make a grown man cry.
But combine that with any or all of the other circumstances that emerge from having a high need baby? (see # 2-10 below).
It’s simply put, crazy-making.
And even for those who don’t have another child, ‘napping while the baby naps’ isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
With dishes piled sky-high in the sink begging to be washed, or the chance to squeeze in a quick shower, nap time doesn’t necessarily mean ‘free time’.
The Isolation
When you have a fussy baby, it feels like everyone else has an ‘easy baby’.
Although an estimated 1 in 5 babies are colicky, and an estimated 1 in 5 older babies or toddlers are ‘spirited’ to some degree, it often feels like you’re the only one who has ever had a baby that cried THIS much.
You may try to attend playgroups or mom’s groups, and find yourself having to comfort, soothe and distract your baby the entire time while the other mom’s sip their Starbucks and watch their child play.
When you try to talk to someone about how hard things are, you may get blank stares, or comments such as, ‘I know how you feel. Little Billy fusses almost every night before bed for at LEAST 30 minutes’.
It’s hard enough having a fussy baby, but feeling like you’re in this alone makes it doubly hard.
The Crying
This is especially difficult during the early months when your little one can’t tell you what’s wrong.
Some ‘colicky’ babies have been known to cry during all their waking hours (I had one of these. The first time Sammy was awake and not crying was when he was 4 weeks old. It lasted about 10 minutes. We took a picture to commemorate the occasion).
Our primal instinct as mothers is to soothe and comfort our crying baby. If we have a baby who cries occasionally when he’s hungry, tired, or sick, we feel deep empathy for him. Our heart breaks as we listen to him cry and try everything to make him feel better.
When you have a baby who cries ALL THE TIME, this empathy can be difficult to drudge up. While we may feel it at times, the crying may trigger feelings of frustration, helplessness, anger, and even rage.
Is this how you pictured motherhood?
The Being Judged
It’s SO easy to look in from the outside and know what someone’s doing wrong. Or what they ‘should’ be doing.
It’s SO easy to think things like
“She [the mom] is so stressed out, the baby’s feeding off her anxiety”.
Or, “If she would just let him cry it out, the sleep problems and fussiness would disappear”.
Or, “If she would just stop coddling him all the time, he would learn to entertain himself”.
Do you think we haven’t thought each and every single one of these thoughts already?
Do you think we don’t beat ourselves up on a daily basis over what we ‘should’ be doing and what we’re doing wrong?
We’re doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. We’re tired. We’re frustrated. We’re alone. We may not even feel like we love our baby [It’s true].
Give us a break. Give us a hug! Tell us we’re doing great and to hang in there. Better yet, offer to babysit, take our baby for a walk, or bring us a coffee.
We expect judgement from strangers, maybe even friends at times. We can deal with that.
Judgement from our family? From our own moms? This can feel unbearable.
The Unpredictability
Some babies sleep at regular intervals, feed 5-7 times a day, with some playtime thrown into the mix.
High need babies are notorious for resisting any kind of routine or schedule. Here’s what that means for you: You can’t plan anything. ANYTHING. Oh, you can try. And sometimes it might actually work out. But don’t count on it.
Naps happen when naps happen. Bedtime tends to be when bedtime is. Plans change from minute to minute depending on how Miss Grumpypants is feeling about life.
Finally found a formula or a food that your baby will tolerate? Enjoy it while it lasts. Tomorrow he could be spitting it out, if he even swallows it in the first place.
Figured out a sleep routine that actually works? Well I hate to tell you – but it may not work tomorrow.
The Feelings of Failure
As moms, we have this belief that we should know our child inside and out. We should know their likes, their dislikes, what calms them, what upsets them.
With high need babies or spirited toddlers, things just aren’t this cut and dry. I truly believe that they themselves often don’t know what they want or need. So how are we to know?
But yet if we don’t know how to help our OWN CHILD, we feel like a failure. We look at other parents, so competent and confident, soothing their child.
What’s wrong with us that we can’t do that? What are we doing wrong? Were we really meant to be parents at all?
The No Down Time
This one is often tied into #5 above, unpredictability.
With ‘easy’ babies, there is usually a period of time during the day you can count on to get things done, take a nap, check email, etc.
And if your baby doesn’t nap much, at least you have some time off at night, right?
See #1 above, sleep deprivation.
With no predictable sleeping routine, it can be nearly impossible to have any true ‘down time’.
You put your little one down for a nap and FINALLY have the chance to sit down with a cold drink and catch up on your favorite TV show.
Yet one ear is always open, listening for that cry or scream coming from the crib (that is, if you’re lucky enough to have a baby who will actually sleep in the crib).
Many high need babies and toddlers have great difficulty staying asleep. If your child does nap, 20-45 minutes is pretty typical of these spirited kids. And this is usually after a long and elaborate soothing routine that can last as long as the nap itself.
Short naps and unpredictable nighttime sleep means no down time for mom. Think about it: Not even 1 hour in a 24 hour period where you’re ‘off duty’.
No time to recharge your batteries, have a chance to think about and miss your child. No time to be proactive in terms of how you’re parenting and how you’re coping.
You’re constantly reacting, operating in survival mode.
The Second-Guessing
Your baby cries. A lot. You may have other children, but have no idea why this one cries so much.
Your doctor has said it’s ‘just’ colic, or perhaps diagnosed her with reflux.
But a part of you isn’t sure.
What if it’s something more serious? What if this isn’t simply colic, or a temperament issue at all? What if there’s something medically wrong with my child?
Even if you’re satisfied there’s nothing seriously wrong with your baby, it’s easy to fall into the trap of second-guessing pretty much everything you do:
Did I feed him enough?
Did I feed him too much?
Am I eating something that’s causing him pain?
Is he overtired?
Have I been letting him sleep too much?
Should I let him cry it out?
Should I respond to his cries quicker?
Even those who typically don’t have problems making decisions may find themselves becoming indecisive, or making decisions and then feeling guilt and/or regret over those decisions.
The Impact on Marriage and Family
Imagine having no time for your partner…and when you do have a few minutes alone, you’re too exhausted to carry on a coherent conversation.
Some parents say having a fussy baby brought them even closer to their spouse or significant other, but many others talk about quick tempers, lack of communication, and resentment for the spouse who gets to work outside the home.
Perhaps even more challenging is the impact on the other children in the family. Many parents tell me they feel profoundly guilty over the lack of time and energy they’re able to give their other kids.
Parenting a colicky or high need baby is all-consuming, and it often feels like there’s nothing left for anyone else. When your baby is crying, it’s pretty hard to say, ‘Now baby, you’re going to have to wait. I need to spend time with your sister’.
It just doesn’t work like that. When your baby is crying, you drop everything else in an effort to soothe him, regardless of the impact on others.
The Lack of Bonding
When your baby cries all the time, it’s really, really hard to form any positive memories with him.
You know how people remember back to the newborn days and say wistfully, “Enjoy every moment. It goes by so fast!”?
Well parents of colicky or high need babies CANNOT WAIT for their littles ones to grow up.
When my Sammy was a newborn, he spent every waking moment crying or screaming. We didn’t have those calm, peaceful moments cuddling on the couch. I never watched him sleep and thought about how blessed I was.
What I did think about was, “What kind of a mother am I that I don’t know if I love my own son?”.
Although it pains me to say it now, I didn’t even think he was cute. He had a permanent crease between his eyes and a frown lines on his forehead from all the crying.
I imagined that he wished he had never been born. And truthfully, sometimes I wished the same.
What kind of a mother thinks these things?
Many mothers of fussy, colicky and high need babies, that’s what kind of mother.
I’m hoping if you’ve been sent to this post by a daughter, friend, or family member with a fussy, colicky or high need baby or toddler, you’re starting to understand a little bit about what they go through on a daily basis.
If you take anything away from this post, please let it be this:
We don’t need more judgement. We judge ourselves far more harshly than you ever can.
Offer to help us. Love us. Give us a hug. Tell us “I can only imagine how hard this is for you“.
Remind us we’re not alone. That we’re in this together.
Category: Colic, General Parenting, High Need Babies, Personal, Spirited Kids, Temperament
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Thank You! I have a spirited little 16th month old firecracker. As we reach toddlerhood, she has found new and interesting ways to challenge me but she is still the love of my life. I have felt everything that you described and still do feel a lot of it (especially the indecisiveness-I second guess every decision I make). Now, if we can only get through these temper tantrums to a place of normalcy I would be extremely happy.
Keri, thanks for your comment. I STILL feel some of these things from time to time and Sammy is 5.5 years old! The tantrums are very hard…a close second to this newborn phase. Hang in there, they do go away and get better as they get more verbal!
I’m showing this post to everyone in my life. Thank you SO much for writing it. For the past 7 months, I’ve felt so alone. I could have written this exact post. Friends and family don’t understand why we don’t have a schedule, why I’m so tired, and why he’s never happy. It is so, so hard.
Jen…and it’s sometimes hard to articulate properly how you feel when you’re so exhausted and drained!! I hope this post gives your friends and family a little glimpse into why life is so hard for you right now. ((HUGS))
My first son is almost 6 years old now and was a “high need” baby. What I have discovered about him is that is his temperment. It was not “a phase”. He doesn’t cry as much now but he is still highly sensitive and needs lots of touch time and understanding. He still wakes once a night but takes comfort when his dad lays with him (and usually spends the rest of the night with him in his bed). It’s who he is. We have accepted that. But trying to get others to understand that is a different question. I think you might be one of those few people who truly understand, or at least won’t judge us for trying to meet our child’s needs. I hear you…thank you for sharing.
Hi Wendy, thanks for your comment. Our Sammy is still sensitive as well…but now at 5.5 years old, it’s easy to see how great that really is! I wouldn’t change him at all….his spirited temperament makes him such a sweet, special boy. I’ve had people tell me we need to be tougher on him. I hope they get a spirited child some day!
I can’t say that my son was high needs, per say. He rarely cried, but he was one of those children who needed constant physical contact. As long as he was being held, he was happy. This lasted until just before his first birthday, when he realized that being held inhibited his exploration. However, he is 3 now, and still will not fall asleep on his own, and will only sleep through the night if he is in the bed with me. I will not pretend to know how hard it is for parents of high needs babies, but I do know how tired I was just from his needs for physical contact. I can’t imagine how hard it is for parents with high needs children. I, at least, was able to sleep. I have a friend with a high needs baby, and from my conversations with her, everything you’ve written applies. I’ve sent her a copy of this article. Maybe it will bring her comfort, and allow her a way to express her situation to those around her. Thank you for writing it!
Thanks for commenting, April, even though you don’t have a high need baby! I’m sure you can relate on some points though, having a child who needs a lot of physical contact. My son is like that as well, even at 5.5 years old. But at this point, I LOVE that he’s like that
Thank you so much for this post. It is so difficult to express the bewilderment, exhaustion, loneliness, and desperation of this experience, and you’ve said it all. My now 15 month old cried all day every day from 6 weeks until 4 months, and was up every two hours at night until 8 months old. Whatever it was– high needs, colic….in the end he just needed time, and a LOT of love and patience. He is still sensitive and particular, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a mild, “easy” baby, but I wouldn’t trade my exceptionally bright, cuddly, delicious, challenging, beautiful and spirited boy for anything. Thank you again. It is the most difficult, isolating experience and reading this website and knowing that others were experiencing this as well was a huge comfort to me.
You’re welcome Sarah! It’s a post that’s been brewing in me for a long time. I’ve found it hard to get across to people what a life changing experience this was for me/us. I hope this post gets across a little bit of the reality of having a high need child!
OMG this just made me cry. It’s exactly how I feel everyday. You just made me feel so much better.
Tammy, I’m so glad this helped
I cannot tell you how thankful I am a friend linked this post on facebook! I relate to SO much of this and feel like it is impossible to talk to anyone about it. Even when I say/think the things to myself I feel bad, so I know someone else (not in a similar situation) would also think they sound awful. I get so frustrated some days that I really do wish I had never had my second or I just keep saying…I can’t WAIT til he is 1….like everything will magically be better then. I feel guilty for getting upset/frustrated and I also feel guilty because i can’t really spend much quality time with my 2yr old. I used to go out and do lots of things with my first child…but now I hate going anywhere because (a) I am exhausted…and look like it! (b) I don’t want to force others to listen to the super loud, inconsolable crying.
It is nice (and sad at the same time) to know that there are others out there that know how I feel and to know that I am not in fact going crazy!
Hi Jess, No, you are NOT going crazy!
I felt the same way when I had Sammy…my daughter was 2.5 when he was born. I constantly felt guilty about not giving her enough time and attention. I worried that she would grow up resenting him. I honestly couldn’t picture a quiet, calm, joyful life while we were in the midst of this. It felt like life would never be normal again. But I can say now that I LOVE my life and Sammy is a pleasure and a joy to have around. I wouldn’t change a thing about him, even if it meant getting an ‘easy’ baby!
I am so glad I found this website! I can’t tell you what a relief it is to hear from other moms that the (sometimes awful) feelings and responses I am having are shared by others. I keep thinking ” What kind of mother am I that I don’t feel only empathy when he is crying?”. I have had a difficult time bonding with my 3 month old son, because honestly, I feel like I spend my whole day taking care of someone who, no matter what I do, just yells at me. He is a little better now that we started him on reflux meds. I just keep telling myself, it will get better in a few weeks. Not sure if that is true, but it helps to think it
Thanks for your comment, Casey. I know, it’s really hard to bond with a baby with whom you have no positive memories! Hang in there…it WILL get better
Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting into words many of the things that I have felt but never said. While I adore and feel blessed to have my high needs toddler, it was REALLY hard to have my first child “spirited.” I doubted myself in every way and felt so isolated. I can’t tell you how many times when she was an infant that I thought I should never have become a mother because I couldn’t handle my own child. Now that she is older, life is much easier in many ways but still challenging in others, but the good moments are starting to occur more than the bad even with dealing with the toddler tantrums.
Yes, those first months really are the hardest aren’t they? I’m glad you’re finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It only gets better from here
Thanks again for another amazing post. I seriously don’t know where I would be of I hadn’t found your web site and Facebook group. You have articulated the experience perfectly. I feel like such a failure a lot of the time and knowing that other people have these same struggles is so comforting. My almost-15-month-old has been a roller coaster ride at every stage but the newborn stage was definitely the worst. But the intensity of the love I feel for him is staggering. It does get better but it may never be what you expected.
Heidi, you’re right! Even thought my Sammy is almost 6, his big personality is not at all what I expected! It takes a different, more flexible parenting style, but I wouldn’t trade him for anything!
Thank you SO MUCH for writing this. I wholly relate to everything you articulated. You’ve inspired me to write and share my experience with others, so hopefully I may help someone as you’ve done for me.
I’m so glad Emily. Feel free to email me at holly@thefussybabysite.com if you’d like to submit your story here!
oh how I wish I had read this post 3 years ago! My son was born via emergency section (I was under GA) and I found his birth very traumatic. He then spent the first 3 months of his life screaming almost constantly. He was diagnosed with severe reflux and still suffers now. It was awful. He would sleep for 40 minutes at a time, scream for hours and then sleep again for 40 minutes, both during the day and at night. I had another daughter too so sleeping when he slept was never an option, not to mention the fact that I suffered PTSD after his birth… so yes, I wished he would grow up fast. I felt so isolated and alone and so ashamed of the fact that I wanted to get away from him! I was also told that it was ‘just’ colic- turns out it wasn’t but the comments still got me down. Thanks so much for sharing this post
xx
Ooh my goodness!! This post, is identical to how things went with our little guy! He’s 14months and things are much easier than the newborn stage, but this still is so encouraging to me! Although so so sleep deprived for so many months, it’s nice to know I wasn’t crazy! Thanks
Wow, I wish I had read this when my daughter was going through this. She is now almost 2 and WONDERFUL but I thought I was going insane when she was born. Her older brother had been a breeze as an infant and I was not prepared for a fussy baby at all. She didn’t want to sit in a swing, she had to be held constantly (even when sleeping) until she let me swaddle her (best thing that ever happened). And all the doctor did when I told him about it was look at her and say in a baby voice, “Aw, are you just a fussy baby?”…… I wanted to knock him out. lol. Now I am expecting another baby boy and I have no idea how he is going to be but I’m glad I found this website so I don’t feel like such a horrible mom. =) Thank you!
My first-born cried non-stop for several months, and never slept through the night for the first year. She is now almost 5, and reading this post made everything come rushing back to me. That was the hardest, loneliest, most exhausting year of my life and I remember that I would often wish time would just speed by and she would be older and more content. She still does cry the loudest if she falls and gets hurt, but is now a beautiful healthy little girl. We are now expecting our 3rd, and as with my 2nd baby, I just pray and pray each day that we get a happy content baby, because I don’t know if could do that again. The worst thing people kept saying to me during that time was that I was too nervous and she was feeding off of my energy…. oh how I hated to hear that. To this day, hearing a baby cry like that when at a store or wherever, I feel like I want to run away, however, I try to give the mom a smile and say, I have been there, I know it’s hard, just keep on doing what you’re doing, but don’t be afraid to take a break.